Most of us will experience situations in which we’ve had to play a role that’s quite different from who we are authentically.
In fact, a lot of us probably experience such things at family get-togethers or in the work lunchroom, where we nod along when someone regales us with something we have no interest in.
Of course, occasional small pretenses like these don’t cost us much, but when we have to maintain false facades for months or years at a time, that pretension takes its toll — often in ways we don’t realize except in hindsight.
Here’s what inauthenticity may be costing you right now:
1. Your time.
Young people may spend time as though they’re drawing from a limitless well, but those of us in midlife and beyond are more aware of its finite nature.
We only have so much time to work with, and every minute spent living inauthentically is a minute that won’t be spent doing what we actually like instead.
Most of us have “killed time” at some point in our lives, for example while waiting for an appointment, a flight, etc., instead of spending those moments doing things that were more meaningful.
Some might have read a few pages of a book or worked on a craft while waiting, but mostly we just fill those minutes with irrelevant, shallow pursuits.
Now imagine that, all the time.
When you’re living inauthentically, nearly all of your time is wasted because you don’t sincerely care about what you’re doing. You’ll never get that time back, nor will you benefit much from having spent it so frivolously.
2. Your peace.
When you are living a lie, you have no real compass to return to in order to keep you grounded when you feel emotionally lost or distraught.
Instead, you may go for the nearest source of stimuli or amusement in order to distract you. This distraction doesn’t actually calm you, however. It simply draws your focus away from what’s been upsetting you and shifts it elsewhere.
You may still feel anxious, unsettled, even angry, but those emotions are left to percolate on the side table instead of being dealt with.
Later, once the screens are turned off and you’re alone with your thoughts, you may have difficulty sleeping or anxiety attacks when the reality of your inauthentic life circumstances comes crashing down on you all at once.
3. Your personal comfort.
How often have you smiled instead of telling someone what you really thought, or remained in a situation you despised in order to keep up appearances?
When I was working in PR and events, I attended countless functions where I would have preferred to tear my hair out than pretend to laugh at one more obnoxious joke.
I wore clothes that everyone admired, but I couldn’t wait to peel off when I got home, and I had constant skin issues from all the hair dye and makeup.
I switched careers after about eight years of that, and was astonished to discover how much better I felt when I made more authentic lifestyle choices.
Furthermore, it was only by distancing myself from that life that I realized how damaging it had been to me. Years of wearing high heels permanently damaged the bones in my feet and ankles, and I had chronically inflamed lymph nodes from all the chemicals I’d been using.
Since I was working in the entertainment industry, I was also expected to drink socially. It took a few years of sobriety and eating better after I moved to the mountains, far from the city, before my body started to feel healthy again.
Your experience will be different than mine, but if you’re living inauthentically, you will find it’s costing you your own personal comfort in one way or another.
4. Sincere relationships.
When you’re being inauthentic, none of your relationships are actually real.
They’re all a pretense.
You make friends strategically, cultivating acquaintanceships with those who can further your goals. Similarly, you date people who hold a certain degree of status, or will impress those around you.
These individuals may offer benefits for your desired lifestyle or personal aspirations, but there’s rarely authentic love between you.
Over time, you may realize that there isn’t a single person in your life whom you trust sincerely.
Furthermore, if something truly awful were to happen to you, most of the people in your social circles would probably disappear rather than standing by you.
It’s hard to accept, but coming to terms with that can make you reconsider your entire social life, and start seeking out genuine connections instead.
5. Real weight and purpose behind your actions.
When you live inauthentically, you tend to make choices that serve specific goals rather than because you sincerely care about them.
Just like with your friendship and dating choices, your other life actions are those that will make you look good, rather than having sincerity or true purpose.
An example of this would be a person who volunteers for a few minutes at a soup kitchen so they can get some good photos for their social media profiles, but then runs away in disgust when the clients try to talk to them.
This is a far cry from someone who spends hours packing backpacks full of food, water bottles, and hygiene kits, and then drives around the city at night to distribute them to those in need without documenting their behavior for “likes”.
One approach may photograph well, but the other is what really feeds the soul.
6. Your sense of self.
If someone were to ask you who you are, could you answer that question?
For instance, let’s say a person was blind and couldn’t see your appearance. They didn’t use social media, and placed little value in expensive, high-status items. How would you describe yourself to someone like that?
Would you be able to talk about the books, films, music, and art pieces that affected you on a soul-deep level? How about the things you create that bring you joy? Which subjects fascinate you? Where do you love to travel? What did you want to be when you grew up, and would your younger self be proud of where you are now?
When your life is an inauthentic performance, you tend to lose track of who you are in pursuit of what others approve of. You forget who you are underneath the carefully cultivated facade you’re working so hard to maintain.
7. Your money.
Consider for a moment how much money you have invested in maintaining the facade you’ve been curating.
If you were to go through all of your expenses in recent years, how many of them involved things that actually made you happy?
For example, do your clothes reflect your authentic style, or have you been buying items you’re expected to wear to gain others’ approval? How about the foods in your fridge? The golf clubs you use twice a year?
If you were to take all the money you’ve spent on things you don’t actually give a damn about and instead redirect it towards things that make you sincerely happy, what would you have spent it on instead? Do you even know what would make you truly happy anymore?
Your answer will reveal the cost attached to living inauthentically.
8. Your health.
Living an inauthentic life can wreak real havoc on your health — physical, mental, and emotional.
I mentioned the long-term damage I suffered from wearing high heels for years, but living a contrived existence can be far more damaging than that.
High cortisol from the stress of masquerading like this can affect everything from your mental health to your cardiovascular function and hormone levels.
Additionally, depending on how you handle stress, you might further damage yourself through unhealthy coping mechanisms.
For example, both stress eating and undereating can cause real harm. Similarly, self-soothing with alcohol or other intoxicants can hurt your organs as well as damage your relationships.
When your life and relationships are inauthentic, there are few bastions of health and stability where you can retreat in order to regroup and center yourself at all.
Final thoughts…
If you’ve been living performatively for years, you may not remember who you are beneath the pretense.
As such, you’ll need to figure that out one soul-searching question at a time. Guided workbooks that ask a lot of questions may help, as well as spending some time alone so you can get back in touch with the real you, without having to keep up appearances with anyone who expects you to behave a specific way.
Although this may seem daunting, it’s an ideal way to find the real you and determine how you want to live the rest of your life.
