There’s no doubt that supportive friends and family members play an essential role in our lives, especially during challenging times. However, even with the best intentions, some people cross boundaries in their attempts to help. The line between supportive and intrusive can be surprisingly thin, and many well-meaning individuals step over it without realizing. That’s why becoming more aware is so important. Recognizing these behaviors, both in others and potentially in ourselves, can make space for healthier support systems to emerge. So what are some common behaviors of people who frequently cross the line?
1. They offer unsolicited advice when someone just needs to vent.
For many people, particularly those who love to help, jumping in with solutions becomes second nature. It’s particularly common in parents offering “sage” advice to their adult children, but it happens in friendships and intimate relationships with alarming frequency, too.
But often when people speak of their woes, there is a subtle request hidden in their words: “I just need someone to listen.”
Many people process emotions through verbal expression. They are seeking validation rather than solutions. The opportunity to articulate their frustrations without interruption is often far more healing than your most brilliant advice. When someone shares challenges, they’re not necessarily asking you to fix them. And what’s more, Very Well Mind tells us that trying to fix them can actually cause further stress for the individual.
If you’re unsure, you can always try asking, “Would you like my thoughts on this, or do you just need me to listen?” You might be surprised how often people choose the latter.
2. They make everything about their own similar experiences.
When done appropriately, connecting through shared experiences builds genuine rapport. However, unfortunately, many supportive conversations quickly transform into one-sided sessions that focus entirely on the listener’s past struggles or experiences. According to Dr. Nate Regier, an expert in social-emotional intelligence, the line between empathy and one-upping is surprisingly small.
I’ll admit I struggle with this. For me, sharing my experience is a demonstration of genuine empathy and connection, but sometimes I struggle to know at what point I’ve crossed the line into conversation hogging and overshadowing.
I try to remind myself that a brief mention of my related experience shows understanding and validation, but launching into a detailed account of my journey redirects attention away from the other person’s immediate needs and makes it seem like I’m story-topping.
3. They show up uninvited because they “thought you needed company.”
For some, particularly those with old-fashioned values, surprise visits might seem like the ultimate gesture of care. So they arrive with food or comfort during someone’s difficult time. However, for a lot of people, these unexpected appearances create additional stress rather than relief.
Home is our safe space, and this is never more true than when someone is experiencing emotional upheaval or illness. Our personal space becomes particularly precious during this time.
These “helpers” may think they’re easing a burden, but having to manage another person’s presence by making conversation, appearing grateful, or tidying up adds labor to an already taxing situation. Most people need predictability and control during a crisis, which surprise visits inherently disrupt.
This can be overcome by sending a simple text saying, “I’d love to drop by with dinner tomorrow—would 6pm work? If not, that’s no problem.” This way, you’re demonstrating your willingness to help whilst respecting their personal space.
4. They insist on specific solutions that worked for them.
Personally, I experience this one on a frequent basis and find it particularly infuriating. Many people believe that their personal experience of successfully overcoming an issue means it’s simple and easy to apply to all people. “Oh, your autistic child with significant sensory issues won’t eat vegetables? Just make them sit at the table until they do, that’s what I did with my (neurotypical) kid!”
The reality is, solutions rarely transfer perfectly between different people’s circumstances. If they did, no one in the world would have any problems.
Someone struggling with work stress likely cannot immediately quit their job without financial consequences. Meditation might have transformed your mental health, while being entirely impractical for someone with three young children and no childcare. Someone who struggles to control their eating because they are fighting against their genes and brain wiring cannot just “eat healthier.”
Pushing solutions that worked for you without consideration for the other person’s circumstances reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of human diversity. And it also makes you exhausting to be around.
5. They dismiss someone’s feelings with toxic positivity.
When someone is suffering, many people feel tempted to rush in with phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or “just focus on the positive.” They use these phrases with good intentions, believing they’re lifting spirits, but what they are really doing is invalidating someone’s legitimate feelings.
Psychology Today tells us that bad stuff happens, and our negative emotions are a natural and important response to that, which shouldn’t be suppressed with toxic positivity. We don’t always have to be strong or positive. When you rush someone toward artificial positivity, you deny them the opportunity to fully acknowledge their reality and work through necessary emotional stages. And often, when you think you’re doing this for their benefit, you’re actually doing it for theirs. You find their emotions uncomfortable, and you don’t want to sit with that.
But to truly support someone means making space for their authentic feelings—even when those feelings create discomfort for everyone involved.
6. They take over tasks without asking if help is needed first.
It’s a common response for overly helpful types to try and take over the handling of responsibilities for someone experiencing difficulty. After all, it seems inherently supportive, so why wouldn’t you? Perhaps you might reorganize their kitchen, manage their calendar, or take charge of their projects—all without consultation about whether these interventions are actually desired. To ask them would be to bother them, and you don’t want to do that.
The issue here is that for many people, agency and independence often become even more crucial during challenging periods.
A lot of people find comfort and stability in maintaining their routines or responsibilities despite difficulties. It helps them feel in control and useful. Therefore, a takeover, well-intentioned though it may be, might actually remove important anchors that provide structure and purpose during chaos. Additionally, the assumption that someone needs rescuing can feel infantilizing rather than supportive.
Of course, there are some people who will appreciate this support, but you can’t know for sure unless you ask. Saying “Would it help if I handled the grocery shopping this week?” is a good way to acknowledge the potential need, whilst honoring the person’s right to decline.
7. They make major decisions on someone’s behalf “for their own good.”
There are very few situations where removing someone’s decision-making power constitutes genuine help.
Even during a crisis, most adults need some involvement in choices affecting their lives. Making unilateral decisions such as cancelling someone’s commitments, changing their living arrangements, or making healthcare decisions for them creates a dangerous precedent where someone else’s judgment replaces the individual’s autonomy.
Of course, some emergencies occasionally necessitate a designated person to make quick decisions without full consultation. However, these are rare exceptions rather than standard practices for supporting someone through a difficulty, and they should not be used lightly.
8. They contact family members or friends behind someone’s back out of “concern.”
To people who overstep boundaries, whether inadvertently or not, it can seem like reaching out to someone’s support network is simply assembling reinforcements. For example, they might notice some concerning behavior and immediately contact the person’s parents, partner, or friends to share their observations without first discussing their intentions with the person directly.
But it rarely ends well. Contacting others creates a complicated dynamic where the person feels monitored, discussed, and potentially even betrayed by someone they trusted with their vulnerability. While genuinely dangerous situations may warrant an exception, most concerns should be addressed directly with the individual first, before involving others.
And if this is something you do, it’s worth exploring your reasons for it. Many people justify these behind-the-scenes conversations as necessary to safeguard the individual. But this behavior often actually reflects their own discomfort with direct communication about difficult topics. If you really want to be supportive, you need to get comfortable with transparent conversations rather than creating hidden networks of surveillance disguised as care and concern.
9. They share personal details on social media to rally support without permission.
These days, social media provides a powerful platform for gathering community support during difficult times. When someone posts details about another’s illness, job loss, or family struggles, it can quickly mobilize practical help and emotional encouragement from wider networks.
But without explicit permission from the person directly affected, these public announcements fundamentally violate privacy boundaries.
Someone might share personal struggles privately while having no intention of making their situation public knowledge. A well-meaning social media post exposes their vulnerability to audiences they never consented to include in their difficult journey. The resulting flood of messages, however supportive, can create an overwhelming pressure to respond during an already taxing time.
Genuine support protects someone’s right to control their own narrative. It’s crucial to always seek specific permission before sharing anyone’s personal information online, regardless of how helpful you believe the resulting attention might be.
10. They force physical comfort (hugs, touches) when it’s unwanted.
For many people, physical touch provides powerful comfort, especially during difficult times. For others, however, personal space becomes even more essential during emotional distress. Unfortunately, we often determine what contact someone else wants and needs based on our own preferences.
Many people automatically embrace friends who are crying or place “comforting” hands on their shoulders during difficult conversations. But if you don’t know whether someone enjoys physical touch, these well-intended but boundary-crossing gestures can create additional stress for someone already managing difficult emotions.
Physical boundaries vary widely between individuals and may shift depending on the circumstances. The most respectful approach involves either asking directly—”Would a hug help right now?”—or waiting for the other person to initiate physical contact.
11. They violate boundaries with excessive check-ins and monitoring.
Of course, regular communication shows genuine care during someone’s difficult times. Text messages, calls, and visits can keep the connection alive and stop a person from falling into isolation. But there is a fine line. Excessive check-ins can quickly cross this line and go from support to surveillance.
What’s more, they create pressure rather than comfort. The underlying message becomes “prove you’re okay” rather than “I’m here when needed.” And as we’ve mentioned, many well-meaning supporters fail to recognize how their constant presence creates additional emotional labor for someone already operating with limited capacity.
If you really want to offer support through a check-in, a simple “Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you, no need to reply” respects their boundaries and is a better approach than incessantly asking how they are.
Final thoughts…
Supporting others requires ongoing self-awareness about where helpfulness ends and intrusion begins. The most valuable supporters check their own motivations regularly, recognizing when their actions serve personal needs for control or validation rather than the other person’s genuine interests. True support balances compassionate presence with profound respect for the other person’s autonomy.
