If you’ve ever seen The Matrix, you might remember that the human minds the machines were trying to control didn’t accept environments that were too perfect.
“No-one would accept the program,” said Agent Smith as he explained why the flawless paradise they designed failed completely.
And there’s a lot of truth in that. On a fundamental level, our minds reject messages that we know are untrue, and this goes for positive self-talk, too.
As such, rather than trying to boost your ego and motivation with saccharine, feel-good messages, aim for kind-but-believable approaches instead.
The following phrases may be helpful when you’re regrouping after a setback, especially if you adjust them to suit your personal preference.
8 kind but believable things to tell yourself after a setback:
1. “This difficulty will soon be proof of capability.”
This is one of my favorite phrases when I’m facing a setback, especially a challenging one. Rather than reassuring myself that everything’s going to be okay, I remind myself that my track record for getting through difficult situations is 100 percent so far.
Every difficult circumstance has granted me new coping skills as well as invaluable experience.
Telling yourself a phrase like this allows you to acknowledge that, yes, things are a bit crap right now, but you have enough self-assurance to know that you can get through it.
Offer yourself a bit of grace to feel frustrated, angry, or stressed, but also be confident about your own capabilities.
2. “Every masterpiece has corrections in its underdrawings.”
Artists create rough sketches known as underdrawings on canvas before applying pigment. These are often adjusted and reworked several times over to correct angles, placement, and so on.
Even celebrated artists like Leonardo Da Vinci explored different compositions for their paintings before moving on to the next step.
If you experience a setback, try to see it as an opportunity to change your approach.
There’s no harm or shame in taking a different route towards your goal, or even changing that goal to one that resonates with you more.
You may even discover that this new idea is more aligned with your interests and abilities than the previous one.
3. “The endeavor failed, but I am not a failure: I can do the next right thing.”
A lot of people tie their self-worth into their achievements. As a result, if and when things don’t go as planned and an endeavor fails, they consider themselves to be failures by extension.
This implies that a person’s actions or choices are inextricable from who they are on a fundamental level, and that isn’t the case at all. We all make mistakes. That’s simply part of the human condition.
What’s more, you can do everything right and still fail at something due to factors beyond your control.
Although you may be inclined to be cruel to yourself when an endeavor doesn’t go as planned, please try to avoid doing so. Instead, take stock of what did work, and determine the next best thing you can do to move forward towards your end goal.
4. “I’m allowed to feel sad about this right now, but not paralyzed indefinitely.”
When we don’t allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions properly, they tend to accumulate in unhealthy ways. For example, unexpressed or unprocessed grief can manifest in things like digestive problems, chest tightness, headaches, and sleeping issues.
It’s more than okay to sit with your feelings and allow yourself to grieve what you need to. Have a good, long cry in the shower, go for a long walk, or lie on the floor for a while.
When you feel that the worst of the sadness has left your body, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on track.
You don’t need to get back on the horse immediately if you feel that you’re not in the right headspace to do so, but don’t avoid it indefinitely either.
5. “I don’t need to fix everything all at once.”
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed after a setback, especially if it feels like there’s a mountain of things that need to be done to get back on track.
As such, if you feel paralyzed by the enormity of tasks you need to sort out in order to move forward, remind yourself that you don’t have to fix all of them all at once.
Start with one thing that’s relatively easy to sort out. For example, a person whose house is in complete chaos after a depressive episode can start by clearing the kitchen sink.
Then, they can make a habit of washing one item every time they’re in the kitchen. Before they know it, the stacks of dirty dishes have been cleared, and they can move on to the next spot.
These “tiny tidies” can apply to any situation: start with something small, and then tackle adjacent things as the space around you clears.
6. “This didn’t work, but I learned from the experience and am better equipped for the next step in my journey.”
Most people forget that they were once novices at the skills they’ve since mastered.
We all make mistakes during learning processes, but those mistakes are what allow us to grow exponentially. In fact, sometimes our missteps are our greatest teachers, especially if they encourage us to learn how to approach problems with creativity and innovation.
If you suffer a setback, be gentle with yourself and take some time to mull over everything that unfolded.
Take notes about what worked and what didn’t, and then try to analyze why things didn’t work out as expected.
By determining what didn’t work, you can try different approaches to figure out the best way to move forward.
7. “I don’t have to face this difficulty alone.”
One of the most difficult things about a setback — especially one involving something that’s really important to you — is the feeling that you have to deal with it by yourself.
This tends to happen when a person feels ashamed about falling short of their goal, either because others have been cruel to them when they’ve performed poorly in the past, or because they have perfectionist tendencies and are hard on themselves.
No matter what you’re negotiating right now, please remember that you don’t have to face it by yourself.
If you have friends or family members to lean on, talk to them about what you’re going through and allow them to offer assistance.
Alternatively, if you aren’t close to anyone like this, there are therapists, financial advisors, life coaches, project managers, and a wide variety of other professionals whom you can turn to for assistance.
8. “This setback gives me an opportunity to re-evaluate my path forward.”
Sometimes, a setback is exactly what a person needs to clarify where they actually want to go next.
The lull in forward momentum after something doesn’t work out gives you the space and time to reevaluate whether you’re going after something because you truly desire it, or because it’s something that’s expected of you.
Instead of rushing back into the fray, take some time to figure out whether this is in fact the right career path, relationship, or pursuit for you.
It’s possible that when you decided on this particular path, you didn’t know what it involved or what you’d have to sacrifice to pursue it. You may have felt obligated to keep moving forward with it, even though it’s not what your heart desires.
You don’t have to stay on that path, though, and this setback offers the perfect opportunity to change course, if that’s what you want.
Final thoughts…
When a setback occurs, enthusiasm and self-confidence both take a huge hit, and crawling into a hole seems a lot easier than trying again and risking feeling this awful if another setback occurs.
But the hard truth is that everything worth pursuing involves risk, and setbacks are inevitable.
What’s important is to keep getting up and moving forward when they occur, and part of that includes being your own kind-but-realistic cheerleader.
The approaches mentioned here can help you regroup and move forward with genuine courage and confidence, in whatever direction you choose.
