Nothing has improved my peace of mind and lowered my anxiety as much as letting go of the outcomes of my actions.
But what does that mean, exactly?
Consider this. You’re an archer. The moment you release that string, the fate of that arrow is completely out of your hands. Most of what will improve your chances of hitting a bullseye is in the preparation. You can train, use good equipment, and practice regularly before you ever draw the string.
However, what you cannot do is affect that arrow in flight. You can only measure where it lands afterward.
Working towards anything in life is the same, and being able to accept that will help you greatly. So how do we apply that method of thinking to life?
1. Focus on the process rather than the outcome.
The process of doing the work is what will raise your chances of accomplishing your goal, so don’t spend your time thinking about the outcome any more than you really need to.
For example, I am a heavy guy, and I wanted to lose weight. Instead of setting a goal and saying “I want to lose 50 pounds” and getting fixated on that (the outcome), I focused on what I had to do in my day-to-day life to make that happen.
I can’t control when I’m going to lose the extra weight. What I can control is what I put into my body. I stopped eating so much junk food. I focused on being more mindful of my portion size of healthy food, because too many calories of healthy food is still too many calories. The result is that I ended up losing weight.
But once I started the process, I didn’t need to think about the outcome at all. Instead, all I had to think about was, “What food and fuel am I giving to my body right now?” By correcting that, I was able to meet a goal that I’d struggled with for a long time.
2. Separate your self-worth from your outcomes.
Unfortunately, a lot of people are raised with the idea that they need to provide value to be valuable. But that is an incredibly unhealthy way to move through the world. Why? Because you have value regardless of what you do for other people. The outcome of your efforts does not define who you are.
What about the disabled? The elderly? Small children? Are they valueless because they can’t contribute as a fit and healthy young adult can? No. They are still valuable regardless of what they can do for anyone.
“But what if I fail?” Oh, you’re going to fail. Failure is just part of the price of admission of trying. It’s our attitude toward failure that helps us move closer to a favorable outcome.
Does failing mean you stop? Sometimes. On the other hand, failure can also be viewed as a sign to try something different, to pivot on your path. Failure teaches you what not to do.
It doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person, or any less valuable than you are.
3. Define success by your effort rather than your outcome.
Going back to my weight loss example, it was embarrassing to me to be winded by something as simple as trying to climb a flight of stairs with a clothes basket. But that was my reality because I was an emotional eater while buried in my depression. And being someone who lives with depression, trying to do anything consistently over the long-term is hard.
So every time I would make a better decision, or wouldn’t indulge that unhealthy coping skill, I would remind myself of my progress. That effort was my success. I don’t have to get it right every time to be defined as successful. I just have to get it right most of the time, and keep putting the effort in even if things don’t go to plan.
There were times when I didn’t meet my goal of controlling my diet. Sometimes I needed a cheat meal or a bit of candy. But that’s okay; I didn’t need to be perfect to get it right. I just needed to be right more often than wrong and to get myself back on track. I would say that I got it mostly right and that was enough to take me to my greater goal of losing weight.
4. Do not base your identity on your outcomes.
Some people define themselves by what they do rather than who they are. They find a label and decide that’s the label that defines them. That could be anything from wife to accountant to traveler to activist to father.
A problem arises when you no longer have that label to identify yourself as. A good example is empty nest syndrome, where parents sometimes struggle with identity once their kids get old enough to become independent.
They will always be a parent, but the level of work and effort that goes into that will dramatically change.
The same is true if you’re an accountant who loves numbers, loves their job, but then their company gets downsized and they lose the job. Alternatively, what if they burn out, and they no longer want to work as an accountant?
Labels can be helpful for figuring out a direction you want to go, but you don’t want to cling so tightly to them that you forget you’re a multi-faceted person. There is more to you than being a parent or accountant or whatever label you identify as.
Hold lightly to your labels and understand that they can change and evolve, as well as wax and wane. Sometimes, a label you used to identify with may re-emerge if you allow it to, such as creating art again if you gave it up to be a parent.
5. Have goals and plans, but hold them loosely.
That is, have other goals and plans in mind just in case things don’t work out how you want them to.
Life doesn’t care about our wants and desires. The thing is, you never truly have control over your circumstances and goals. You can spend years planning to do a particular thing in a specific way, but some random occurrence can completely derail your plans.
It’s impossible to plan for every potential pitfall you might run into. What you can do is have a backup plan in mind, an alternative way to either reach your goal or pivot to a different goal.
Personally, due to my mental illness, pretty much none of my life has gone according to plan. Even when things were going well, sometimes I’d get slapped with mental unwellness, and it would end that situation.
I’ve lost relationships that I thought I’d have for the rest of my life, jobs, opportunities, and so much more. But, today, I’m okay with that. I’m not a failure, because I used those losses to learn more about myself, about life, and how to have the kind of life that I wanted.
I pivoted, a lot, until I found things that worked for me.
6. Learn to rest without quitting altogether.
Life is a long journey. It’s not too short, despite what people say. We just waste a lot of time – and we view rest as a waste of time. We don’t value rest nearly as much as we should.
Even our metaphors about hard work don’t hold up. “He works like a machine!” which implies that machines don’t need rest. If you’ve ever worked with machines, you’ll know that they have to rest regularly. They need maintenance; otherwise, things wear out, and the machine breaks down.
Your brain? Your body? It’s no different.
Sometimes, you have to be patient. Sometimes, you have to pause, sit down, and let things progress how they will.
It’s in these times that it’s valuable to take breaks and catch your breath before you start running toward your goals again. There are a lot of things in life that you just have to wait patiently for.
Patience is the most valuable skill you can develop. Stop, take a breath, and relax for a little while. Rest instead of quitting altogether, and you’ll get much farther.
Closing thoughts…
The art of trying without forcing rests in your ability to let go of an outcome. It’s one of those scenarios where you need to care more about the journey than the destination.
In life, it’s helpful to have multiple interests or goals in mind, because if you only have one or two, then you may struggle more when things don’t go according to plan, or you lose that identity.
And if you do, know that it’s okay.
Take it as a signpost, an indicator that you need to try something else or walk a different path. Life is bountiful with opportunities if you remain open to the possibilities.
