People have been trying to figure out what makes a good relationship for a long time.
We have writings from Greek and Roman philosophers who offer guidance about how people should behave in a partnership, as well as Medieval treatises on marriage. Plus, of course, countless modern-day self-help books on the subject.
While these writings may have some differences here and there, their fundamental elements are usually the same.
Let’s take a look at these essential elements, what they mean, and how they build on each other to create a relationship that has the potential to stand the test of time.
The four elements of a good relationship.
Chemistry
Most of us have experienced the unexplained spark that draws us to another person. It’s the “je ne sais quoi” that keeps drawing your eyes towards the stranger across a crowded room, or whatever it is that inspires you to want to get physically closer to the person you’re talking to.
Part of this kind of chemistry might involve actual chemicals, such as the dopamine hit your brain gets when someone triggers novelty, excitement, and that delicious sense of “I want more of this.”
But psychological projection and early attachment can also influence chemistry. For example, you might feel an instant pull toward someone who mirrors the emotional patterns you grew up with, or who fits the narrative in your mind about what love should feel like.
Of course, chemistry can also revolve around the fact that you simply find this individual insanely physically attractive. And if they return your attention, it feels pretty good to know they obviously feel the same about you.
Knowing that someone you’re attracted to thinks you’re gorgeous can do wonders for your self-esteem. You may start to perceive yourself as more desirable, and the same thing might happen to the person you’re enamored with as well.
When chemistry is real and true, the two of you practically glow in each other’s presence. Additionally, you may exude greater confidence when apart. Most importantly, you both feed off each other, which can make your intimate life even more spectacular.
Of course, those happy hormones and butterflies can also blind you to potential red flags, less-than-desirable traits, or incompatibilities that will cause problems in the long run.
What’s more, chemistry wanes, and as such, without the other elements of a good relationship, it can only take you so far.
Compatibility
Although opposites may attract on occasion, those connections usually don’t last very long if core values and needs don’t align.
Without the compatibility that comes from shared values, lifestyles, personalities, and communication styles, things can often get uncomfortable and tense very quickly.
Misunderstandings abound, conflicts arise due to mismatched ethics, and both parties are often relieved when they part ways.
It’s frustrating when people share fierce chemistry but have no shared compatibility, because they often know from the beginning that this partnership isn’t going to work. The relationship is likely to be intense, but very brief.
In contrast, when you share the majority of your values and preferences with your partner, things move much more smoothly. It helps to sustain the relationship once the early sparks cool to a hearth fire that can burn long and long.
Not only is it easier to align your daily habits with theirs, but it’s easier to cultivate trust and nurture a strong, long-lasting partnership.
You don’t have to perpetually negotiate conflicting preferences and perspectives, nor will you fight over things that are fundamentally important to you.
Since you have so much in common, there’s rarely any need for fierce arguments or debates, so you can enjoy a much more harmonious coexistence.
Attachment
This goes beyond the concept of “catching feelings,” as the young kids say, and is more like not being able to envision a life without this person.
You feel a strong sense of belonging and togetherness with them, and when you envision the future, you see this partner as a pillar who’s beside you through everything that may unfold.
It may start by missing each other when you’re apart, and constantly sharing things with one another — even if it’s as silly as texting each other memes during the workday, or photos you’ve snapped of cool things you’ve seen while doing your own thing.
One day, you realize that this person is an inextricable part of your existence, and you wouldn’t want it any other way.
Attachment is what keeps people together through some of the most challenging circumstances, and what makes them fight to get back to each other when parted.
Love
Many people forget that “love” is both a noun and a verb: it’s an emotion, but it’s also a choice that people make every single day.
Quite simply, it’s easy to love someone when things are going well. When life is easy, you’re both relatively healthy, and you aren’t dealing with extreme stress, there’s little conflict or room for upset.
You can gaze adoringly at each other, be physically affectionate, and altogether swoony with one another, even when being playfully annoying. In fact, traits others would find irritating are those you find endearing.
It’s a very different story when things are more difficult, however.
Loving as a verb, as a choice, includes standing by each other during challenging times. It’s also reciprocal.
When things are tough, you remember how much this person has done for you, how much effort they’ve put into you, how fiercely they protect you, and how devoted they are to you.
And you give that back to them with all you have.
How these four elements alchemize.
As with all types of alchemy, these elements will exist in different proportions at various points of the relationship rather than being in perfect, equal balance at all times.
For example, chemistry is often the catalyst that draws people together at the beginning. There’s that electric “zap” of physical attraction that’s incredibly intense when people first meet, but can wane over time.
Some people are fuelled by strong attraction but have little interest in forming attachments to their intimate partners, and part ways as soon as things cool between them.
Similarly, a lot of couples find it difficult when their intimate lives cool down after a few years, especially while raising children or when the challenges of middle age rear their heads.
Love, compatibility, and attachment can take center stage at this point, providing a strong three-point foundation while attraction ebbs and flows.
Attachment can also wax and wane depending on how a couple’s life unfolds.
For example, people who seem compatible at first may develop strong attachments almost immediately, but those can ease off as personal interests and values change over time. Love as a choice is required here to stop those attachments from severing altogether.
Alternatively, some people may have difficulty getting attached to their partners at first, but as love gets stronger, they find middle ground for compatibility, and that attachment grows.
What’s more, once a couple has been together for several years, attachment can become strained if resentment builds, emotional responsiveness drops, and conflict becomes chronic.
This is particularly true at the “seven-year itch” point, as well as when a couple is in each other’s pockets for years at a time. They may think about spending time apart so they can have more alone time, or wonder if they should even stay together at this point — especially if attraction has been spotty as well.
Choosing to love each other and focusing on their long-term compatibility is often what reinforces their devotion to one another. Furthermore, by taking some time apart, they may realize just how much they love being together.
Final thoughts…
People who love each other dearly and have strong attachments to one another can weather just about any storm.
Furthermore, choosing to love each other through thick and thin strengthens the attachment bond and can actually rekindle the spark of attachment after it has been dormant for a while.
The elements listed here won’t always be in complete equal balance, but in a good relationship, they’re always present and always active in some way.
I’ve always likened them to parts of a garden: one year you’ll have a bumper crop of tomatoes and kale but few beans, and the next you may have beans and cucumbers, but only a few tomatoes and hardly any kale at all.
Contributing factors like sunshine, soil health, and weather will determine what thrives and when, the same way that health, finances, and other life events will influence relationship elements.
Ultimately, if you can flow with what unfolds as best you can, and nurture these elements with understanding, patience, kindness, and honesty, your relationship is likely to not only stand the test of time, but become the kind of love story that inspires others for generations.
