I often wonder what people are so afraid of when they hold back on showing others who they really are. But needless to say, it’s a very complex situation when you’re someone who hides their true self rather than letting your guard down and inviting people in.
I don’t think any of us should be ashamed to show others our true selves. This world is made up of so many bright, beautiful people, but we only know that because they’ve allowed us to see it.
You can let others see your beauty too, but you have to leave the following behaviors behind first.
8 behaviors that make it impossible for other people to really know you:
1. Automatically giving people the answers you think they want to hear.
Who’s been here before? You’re around someone – it could be anybody – and you’re drawn to answering or responding to them in a way you think they’ll approve of.
You say what you think they want to hear because you’re afraid that if you don’t, you won’t be liked, or that a disagreement might be on the cards.
Maybe you’re at work, you’re swamped, and your boss asks if you can take on another task. Instead of telling them that you can take it on tomorrow when you’ve cleared your schedule a little, you say yes and act as though your time, energy, and stress levels are all theirs to do with as they please.
Sure, you might be keeping everyone happy and coming back for more, but ironically, you’re also keeping them at a distance. Nobody can know the real you if you always say what they want to hear and not what you actually mean.
2. Turning your feelings into a joke.
“Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
Good old Mr. Bing from Friends, and if I can be honest, good old Matthew Perry, too. I feel like he was the kind of man who acted out a huge part of his real life on screen, using humor to hide his pain – and the real him – from other people.
He’s full of wit, as are people who want to deflect their true feelings and replace them with a line or two that will always make other people laugh or smile.
They grow into those dependable people you always want to be around, because you know they’ll lift even the heaviest of moments.
Are you that person? Do you take how you feel and make it into some kind of joke that deflects from the seriousness of your emotions? Don’t expect anybody to take you seriously if that’s the case. But hey, maybe that’s your goal?
Whilst humor can be a helpful coping mechanism at times, it’s worth keeping in mind that it becomes unhealthy when it stops you from getting the support and connection you need.
3. Holding back on telling people what you want.
I’ve been there, done that, and got the T-shirt. You want to protect yourself, so you shield yourself from potential rejection and avoid saying anything that might rock the boat.
What happens as a result?
Well, you become a person who keeps everything close to their chest, where it stews inside of you.
Perhaps you even describe yourself as “low-maintenance,” so you “don’t have many needs.”
Everyone has needs, and pretending otherwise usually just means you’re suppressing or hiding them.
If you want people to truly know you, you have got to show them who you are and tell them what you want.
4. Adapting your personality to suit the person you’re with at a particular time.
“Sally politically leans that way, so I can’t possibly speak about that news headline the way I want to.” “Stuart has a lot of money, so I want to make a point of telling him that I have a vacation booked.” “Kelly likes history, so I should talk about the Titanic, or the Greek ruins I saw last summer.” “Dave loves a beer, so I will tell him I’m having a few tonight after work.”
What is this?
To some degree, it’s a way of aligning with the person you’re talking to and showing an interest in them, and that’s not inherently bad. But if you find yourself only saying things for the other person’s benefit because you want to impress them, you’re saying them for all the wrong reasons.
How is anyone going to know the real you if you walk around wearing all those personality suits?
They’re not.
Be you. I imagine you’re really nice.
5. Telling people “it doesn’t matter” or “it’s fine” when you don’t mean it.
This is the kind of line that can be said genuinely, passive-aggressively, or rather curtly.
Sends chills down your spine, doesn’t it?
You know it matters if it’s said in a certain way, but when you can perfect the line and really convince someone that it doesn’t matter when it does, well, all you’re really achieving is shutting yourself down, like my laptop at the end of each working day.
You won’t have people to support you or relate to you because they won’t be able to tell when you’re okay and when you’re not. They won’t really know anything about you.
Don’t just smile and suffer in silence. If it matters, you should vocalize it. You never know; you may end up being the permission someone else needed to share something about themselves.
Wouldn’t that be a good thing?
6. Keeping strong opinions to yourself.
Sharing strong opinions is a bit like walking a tightrope, and I think it requires the right balance of self-confidence and self-awareness.
You need to know the fine line between sharing strong opinions and insulting the person you’re with, and for that reason, a lot of people avoid it altogether.
But if you shield all your strong opinions from everyone, you’re immediately constructing a barrier between yourself and them.
You should be able to share your opinions with people you trust. It should feel safe and acceptable. And in doing so, you let a little of yourself out into the world.
7. Deflecting when someone seems keen to get to know you.
Coming from a background where I felt safer being quiet and small, I totally get why people deflect.
People in these situations would much rather sit back, ask the questions, and listen to someone talk and talk while they keep the spotlight off themselves.
One deflection tactic is subject changing. Someone wants to ask you questions, and you mutter a pacifying response before waving your hand and saying, “Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk more about the summer house you just bought!”
Right there, that little behavior says a lot. It makes you seem friendly whilst keeping up firm walls that prevent anyone from getting close.
8. Letting other people dominate the conversation.
Nod and smile, nod and smile. When someone else is talking, you’re in your comfort zone, and you’ll happily seek out people who don’t think twice about wanting to talk about themselves. You enjoy being around these kinds of people because you don’t ever get a word in edgeways, and that’s more than okay with you.
I like to call them conversation dominators, and they’ll grab every opportunity to chew your ear off while you stand before them like the audience they cannot live without.
For those who crave connection but fear vulnerability, this is perfect. This way, they look sociable, they look friendly, they look driven to connect, but nobody really knows a thing about them.
Final thoughts…
It’s certainly not easy putting yourself out there, is it? For people to get to know you, they have to learn about you, and for a percentage of people, that’s just too scary. They’d rather just keep themselves to themselves.
I do wonder, though, if we all kept ourselves to ourselves, what would that mean for the world? We would each spend our whole lives living in a bubble where the only person who really knows us is ourselves.
That’s a sad thought, and by making it practically impossible for anybody to know you, you’re depriving yourself of relationships – of every type – that could enrich your life.
