People are social animals. Almost everyone desires connection and intimacy. And, oftentimes, the people who claim they don’t, have usually been hurt or have trauma that is closing that part of themselves off. Humans don’t always treat others’ vulnerability as delicately as they should.
Still, there are many benefits to socialization, ranging from creating positive feelings to physical health benefits. And oftentimes, you can tell when someone genuinely wants to connect, but they don’t feel safe to, because they display behaviors like these.
1. They’re warm and friendly, but they don’t get personal.
Those who don’t want to socialize at all will often not be warm and friendly. Instead, they’re short, curt, and a bit hostile because it keeps other people from trying to get too close. Those who do want to connect but don’t feel safe may take a much different approach. They are warm and friendly, but if you try to get too personal, they give vague answers or shut down the conversation.
It’s easy to be nice and polite. Nice and polite are just ways that you can act. They don’t require any vulnerability. Personally, when I was still struggling with my depression and autism, I would engage in this behavior often.
The days when I was supposed to socialize, and I had enough mental energy, I could be polite and nice so I could interact with other people. But, I absolutely did not want to talk about anything too personal or sensitive because I knew it would be like a dam breaking. If I let a crack show, it would break open and flood, and I certainly didn’t want to deal with that, so why would anyone else?
2. They use jokes and deflection to keep people away.
Joking is a bonding activity when you want it to be. There are few more simple joys in life than having a good, hard laugh with others. Humor can bring people together from different walks of life, because who doesn’t like to have a laugh once in a while?
On the other hand, humor can also be used as a defensive mechanism or a way to deflect attention from oneself. Self-deprecating humor can be funny. However, when someone genuinely feels bad about themselves, that self-deprecating humor takes on a different tone and context. It’s communicating, “I don’t feel good about myself,” which can be off-putting.
Then you have deflection. Any time things get too personal, serious, or vulnerable, a person who struggles to open up may crack a joke to redirect the conversation. You see this happen particularly when someone isn’t comfortable with silence. Their brain might be in overdrive, thinking that they’re being judged, or they feel vulnerable and want to change the current dynamic of the conversation.
3. They build strong online relationships but avoid real-life relationships.
The internet is in a unique position where it makes the world smaller, but people are more distant. By socializing mostly through the internet, a person who struggles to open up always has an emergency escape hatch for their discomfort. At any time, they can just choose to ghost and block whoever they’re talking to.
That’s much harder to do in a real-life relationship. Not impossible, but much harder. Real-life relationships require more work and sacrifice because you need to be vulnerable. You need to show up in that person’s life for them, and run the risk of being hurt because you exposed your vulnerability.
4. They stay constantly busy to avoid thinking too much.
It’s not a good thing to be a workaholic. Many people who overwork or constantly pack their schedule with activities are actually avoiding sitting quietly with themselves. They know that if they sit quietly with their feelings, they will become overwhelmed and fear drowning in them.
You can’t stay busy all the time. Even if you do, what happens when you can no longer do that? What happens if you lose your job? Or you get sick and can’t participate in all of the activities that you used to? Well, then you’re forced to sit with those emotions in an unplanned, uncontrolled way.
5. They show they care through actions far more than words.
There are so many people who have taken the “love languages” idea and distorted it to try to fit affection in an easy-to-define box. They have their love language, or languages, and then close off to the idea of expressing their affections in any other way. Many stand behind the idea of “actions speak louder than words!” And they think that because they do things that it’s enough.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not enough. An unwillingness to verbally express affection is a wall, not a boundary. People need to hear those affirmations, and the reasons people give to not express them are laughable. “Well, I just don’t feel comfortable!”
So what? You love this person, but you can’t handle 30 seconds of discomfort to say “I love you” or to express what you mean to them? You know the main way to get comfortable with the uncomfortable is to expose yourself to the discomfort until you get used to it, right? The truth is that it’s just an easy way to avoid showing true, raw vulnerability.
6. They disappear when they feel too vulnerable.
The person who craves connection will often be sociable and give the appearance of wanting to connect with others. However, when they do actually start getting close to someone, they tend to run instead of leaning into it. They may just ghost, stop replying to messages, or say they need a break to recharge themselves. Whatever excuse they make, it’s made with the intention of not going deeper into their vulnerability.
Avoidant behavior like this undermines any kind of deep connection one could possibly make. Relationships require some degree of consistency to stay strong and healthy. And yes, there is the tongue-in-cheek joke about how men can go months without talking to each other, then pick right back up where they left off, but that’s not an intimate relationship, even if you consider this man your best friend. You have no idea what’s actually been going on in that person’s life. That’s not intimacy.
7. They’re afraid of their problems burdening others.
Many people who are struggling choose to keep their distance from others because they don’t want to feel like an imposition or burden on anyone. They just want to be able to exist comfortably in a social space, but they can’t, because they have whatever problems they’re carrying. It’s an incredibly common thing in mental health circles where we self-isolate because we don’t want to cause pain to the people we care about.
I know from my own depression that I don’t necessarily reach out for support or connection when I don’t feel mentally well because there’s no point. Support doesn’t help, so why should I drag anyone else down into this mental abyss with me? Why would I do that to someone I care about and want to be close to? It’s understandable, but you can’t do that all the time because you need vulnerability to meaningfully connect.
8. They form a one-sided connection in their head.
Sometimes, people who can’t be comfortable with their vulnerability will instead turn to one-sided relationships rather than taking the risk. They will think all of these positive things about another person, how good and awesome they are, but they won’t try to be close to them. They’ll admire from afar but not try to get up close.
Parasocial relationships are also a risk. A parasocial relationship is one in which someone overly identifies with someone who doesn’t know them. That could be a celebrity or internet personality. You see it often in online communities of content creators where their audience feels close and connected to the creator, but the creator obviously doesn’t know them.
In closing…
It’s complicated to crave connection but fear vulnerability. Those complicated feelings are often the result of trauma or difficulty navigating social situations. If you happen to be one of those people yourself, there are reasonable solutions to this issue that will most likely require therapy. Not everyone is going to treat your vulnerability badly, so it’s worth exploring.
Most people crave social connection, even if they’re afraid of it. It doesn’t have to be that way. It is likely a fixable problem with the help of a mental health professional.
