Let’s see a show of hands from all those who prefer to hide behind a mask rather than let their vulnerabilities show up.
I once would’ve raised mine, but I spent the last decade working on how to be open with the people I love.
I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. It takes courage to let your guard down and show people the real you. But once you do, everything changes.
Like anything, showing vulnerability comes with risks, but if you never try, nobody will ever be able to know you – or love you – fully.
Find just one of the following 8 ways to open up to people, and you’ll be off to a brilliant start.
8 ways to ease into opening up so it feels safe, not scary:
1. Choose the right people to open up to.
Irene at the supermarket checkout doesn’t have the time to hear about your worries about your job interview tomorrow.
Rick from work, who hates everyone, isn’t going to want to listen to you talk about your failing relationship or give you advice on how to rekindle that spark.
And your in-a-hurry mailman doesn’t need a blow-by-blow account of the time you walked in on your ex cheating with the receptionist from his office.
You’ll walk away from those encounters feeling more alone than you went in, but it won’t be because you opened up. It’ll be because you opened up to Irene, Rick, and the mailman.
Pick people you know reasonably well who are good listeners, who are empathetic, and who give you time. Close friends and relatives can often be a safe space to start, so long as they’ve proven themselves to be reliable, trustworthy, and emotionally attuned.
Essentially, you want to pick someone you know whom you’ve observed treating others with gentle care.
2. Talk about what’s true, and that doesn’t have to be something big.
You don’t have to go all in, showing your dad a rash that’s been bothering you down there, or sharing your perimenopause symptoms with your male coworker (brain fog, anxiety, a menstrual cycle with a mind of its own, anyone?)
Being vulnerable can be much more subtle than that, so show yourself a little compassion and start small.
Begin with speaking about something relatively minor but honest, like the tricky week you had at work because you were short-staffed, or how the traffic in the morning really bothers you because it makes you late.
Starting small protects both you and the other person. You stretch your vulnerability muscle and begin to learn whether they are the right person to open up to, and they don’t get bombarded with intimate details they’re not ready to hear.
Each positive experience builds upon the next, and soon you’ll be ready to talk about the bigger stuff.
3. “I don’t need advice; I just need someone to listen.”
A lot of the time, the thought of opening up can feel overwhelming for the simple reason that it feels like you’re giving the other person permission to judge and advise you.
But all you might want is an ear to listen to you, so your problem or thought feels lighter.
It takes some courage to get that point across, though. Usually a person will say what’s on their mind, hear unwanted advice, nod politely, and then get on with their day wondering why they bothered.
Opting for a more upfront approach means you get to say what’s on your mind, show a little vulnerability, and just have that neutral support from the other side. And it reinforces that sharing is worth doing.
4. Put your joke book away.
A joke can lighten any room, can’t it? It immediately lifts awkward or difficult atmospheres, and that’s why people revert to them when they feel that discomfort creeping in.
Your vulnerability isn’t a joke, though. While it might make you feel a little less uncomfortable, the message it relays to the other person is that what you’re sharing isn’t meant to be taken seriously.
People will start to learn that you’re the person to go to when they want a laugh, and they’ll never know you’ve got this other side of you that is desperate to open up and let people in.
The joke book can get pretty tired if the same ones are used, too. Plus, if you’re always defaulting to one-liners about the weather, or that you did nothing on the weekend, people will eventually clock it and assume you just don’t want deeper connection.
Don’t let your humor become the mask that keeps you hidden.
5. Sit with whatever silence comes with sharing.
Who among you loves to fill silence with an anecdote, or a little, “Anyway, there’s me talking your ear off!”, or “Isn’t the weather nice today?”
Why do we do it?!
I know I can be guilty of it, but the silence in between opening up and the other person’s response can be the perfect time to breathe, process, and just be.
I think some people use it as a chance to balance anything heavy or dark with a little light, when in fact, just allowing the silence is okay.
If you don’t find silence safe, that might be because at some point in your life, you learned that quiet meant imminent trouble, which is sad for me to think about.
As much as I also love to talk, I love nothing more than to sit with the people I love and not talk. For me, it’s their company I want, and in that company I feel safe.
If you can learn to tolerate those silences, opening up can feel more natural, and far less scary.
6. Find the balance between sharing everything and sharing nothing.
Oversharing is rarely seen as oversharing by those who overshare – what a tongue-twangy statement!
It’s true, though. If you’re a natural oversharer, you can speak and not feel you’re doing it excessively. If you haven’t honed your self-awareness skills, you may not even pick up on the other person’s wide, overwhelmed eyes while you’re doing so.
For you, it may be a way to build connection, but for others, it can come across as ‘dump disclosing,’ as I like to call it, and it can cause discomfort. It’s also not safe for you to share your life story before you know someone can be trusted with it.
But equally, sharing nothing means others will either assume you’re fine or view you as one of those people who “don’t like to talk.”
Courage comes in finding balance, and that balance might look like sharing one thing rather than opting for either nothing or the entire reel of your life.
7. Don’t be afraid of vulnerability; see it as a gift.
People who view or have been taught that vulnerability is a weakness often don’t speak up about what’s going on in their lives, and as such, so many issues go under the radar. I think we can all agree it’s one of the big reasons behind the alarming statistics about suicide in men.
But regardless of your gender, I’m here for everyone getting the support they need, and you cannot do that unless you feel safe opening up to people.
Real courage isn’t pretending everything’s okay; that’s image management, not strength. Courage comes from giving yourself permission to be human.
Everyone has a vulnerable side, and it deserves the same respect in you as it does in the people you care about.
8. Understand that you don’t need to edit how you feel to make yourself sound more acceptable.
“I’m a bit tired” may sometimes actually mean “I’m overwhelmed,” and “I’m fine” may actually mean “I could really use some support.”
The trouble is, many of us listening to these comments will assume that what we hear is the truth, right? I know I do, unless something glaringly obvious is telling me otherwise.
People can sometimes find it easier to just say they’re fine, even if they’re not. It’s more acceptable, certainly in passing, to just nod and smile, and then carry on with your day. But if you’re doing that all the time through fear of opening up, aren’t you just feeding the fear, rather than addressing it?
I think so.
Next time someone asks you how you are, assuming they’re a safe person, don’t just say “I’m fine.” Say something real. You may be surprised at the doors it opens.
Final thoughts…
Vulnerability has long been considered a type of weakness, but I think there’s no assumption that could be more wrong.
To speak up, say what’s on your mind, let people hear you, be understood, and show that you have layers is something you should be proud of.
Imagine if we all could be this way. Wouldn’t life be great?
Nothing grand needs to happen when you open up to someone. It can start with a simple, small snippet of your life that you want to share.
Doing that, over time, makes it so much easier when you do have big stuff you need to get off your chest. And we all have big stuff eventually.
