Wanting to become a better person is an admirable endeavor, but it’s often far easier than it sounds.
Many of us strive to do better and be better, yet we often sabotage that process — either intentionally or subconsciously.
The mental traps we’re going to explore here are some of the most common ones that can sabotage individuals who are trying to improve themselves.
If any of them seem familiar to you, you’re not alone in your struggles. But becoming more aware of them can often be just what you need to avoid automatically falling into them.
9 mental traps that often sabotage our attempts to become better human beings:
1. “Other people behave horribly (and often thrive by doing so), so why should I try to be better?”
It’s disheartening when you try to live by a strong code of ethics and end up struggling through it every day, while those who treat others horribly are thriving.
They aren’t living paycheck to paycheck, worrying about job security or eviction, while many sincerely good folks are barely scraping by.
When this is a person’s reality for a long time, and they’ve had to deal with hunger, cold, and other struggles, they may begin to feel resentment about the fact that trying to be a good person doesn’t automatically give you a good life.
It starts to feel like it would be much easier to take the less ethical route, and potentially prosper by doing so. Weighing the pros and cons of situations like these can wreak havoc on a person’s psyche, potentially sabotaging their attempts at bettering themselves as a result.
2. Getting caught in perfection paralysis.
People with perfectionist tendencies are often so worried about doing something wrong that they don’t try to do it at all. This is what’s known as perfection paralysis.
Things get even more complicated if they have social anxiety and are petrified about being judged by others, not just themselves.
For instance, my partner has a friend who’s been talking about getting back in shape for nearly 20 years now, but she’s so afraid of making a mistake or being judged that she hasn’t made any progress at all.
She wanted to take belly dance classes, but was afraid of humiliating herself in class. Similarly, she wants to start going to the gym, but is afraid of not knowing how to use the equipment.
The mental trap of perfectionism combined with her fear of being judged means she talks herself out of any attempt at personal betterment, and then gets furious at her lack of forward momentum.
3. Believing there’s no point in trying because small efforts won’t make any difference in the grand scheme of things.
There’s a lot in the world to get disheartened about. Because of this, some people who really want to become better human beings may feel like nothing they do will make any difference. They feel that anything they do is a single drop in an ocean of garbage, so what’s the point?
But if you have this mindset, what you are forgetting is that every action causes ripples that affect far more than you can see.
That piece of detritus you remove from the forest may allow a huge oak tree to flourish. When it finally falls, someone may use its wood to build a house for the dog who’ll end up saving a child’s life. That child may grow up to develop a cure for a rare cancer, and so on.
Every action has an impact; we just don’t know what that impact may be.
Never underestimate just how powerful one small action may be in the grand scheme of things.
“Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.”
4. Feeling that you don’t deserve grace because of your past behaviors.
Many people who want to become better versions of themselves often feel like they can’t free themselves from the shadows of their past actions — even if they weren’t themselves at the time.
They forget that factors like trauma, poor health, substance abuse, and simply impaired judgment or lack of knowledge at the time contributed to their less-than-ideal behaviors.
They may feel that these past actions mean that they’ll never be sincerely good, no matter how hard they try.
But in reality, some of the worst people around believe that they’re the “good guys.” Their version of reality has them as paragons of integrity and sincerity. To them, everyone else is responsible for their wrongdoings. They’ll rewrite history to make themselves out as the heroes and avoid any and all accountability for past actions.
That’s clearly not you.
If you had a rough start in life, you regret bad choices that you made, and you want to do your best to become a better human being, you are anything but “bad.” Don’t let the mental trap of believing you can’t outgrow your past hold you back from becoming who you are meant to be.
5. Believing someone else’s idea of what it means to be “good.”
Sometimes, a person feels like they want to be a better human being, but they are confused about how to go about it. They find themselves doing things they think will make them better people, rather than what’s truly important to them.
For example, they may take cues from the life of someone they respect or admire and go through the motions to do similar things, but without sincere impetus behind their actions.
They often do this because they don’t believe their authentic way of being is acceptable or appropriate. They may have been taught from a young age that to be good you have to follow a certain set of rules of etiquette, and have been punished if they deviated from this “norm.”
As such, their self-belief and self-esteem have been eroded, and they can’t believe that their authentic selves are good enough to bring into the light.
But this mental trap sabotages your attempts to be a better human being, because it disconnects you from your own moral compass. Rather than doing what you feel is true and right, you are performing someone else’s values instead.
6. Waiting for “the right time.”
A common trap that can sabotage those who are trying to become better is waiting for all the stars to align before undertaking a particular pursuit. There’s always some excuse as to why it isn’t the “right time” to do better, be better, etc., and the day to improve simply never comes.
I had a friend who was terrible for this. He kept insisting that he’d start training next week when the weather was better, or would put more effort into his job search when he finished some other commitment.
There was always something that prevented him from taking action. He kept procrastinating about doing these things because he was waiting for some magical sign that everything was aligned in such a way that his efforts would result in guaranteed success.
Of course that day never came, and as such, he never even gave himself a chance.
7. Believing that a single misstep implies complete failure.
Everyone makes mistakes at times. For example, lack of sleep or general mental or physical depletion can result in a careless word or gesture that hurts someone else unintentionally, or otherwise damages or breaks something precious.
But it’s hard to remember that when you’re sincerely trying hard to become a better human being. It’s easy to take mistakes to heart when you desperately want to improve and construe them as a sign that you’re actually a terrible person who’s doomed to cause misery and mayhem wherever you go.
If you start spiraling downwards when you misstep or suffer a setback, then it’s highly likely that you will be so distracted by your latest failure that you will miss opportunities to better yourself in the moment.
You end up making more mistakes, and the effect snowballs.
8. Believing that your efforts only count if they are dramatic (and burning out as a result).
The perspective of “it’s got to be big to count” is a very difficult snare to avoid, particularly in our modern society that glamorizes dramatic (often very public) life overhauls.
People often try to make big, grand changes in their lives, believing that it’s the only way to improve and have an impact. But what they fail to see is that in their overreach, they’re likely to burn out and eventually lose the drive to keep going.
You don’t need to make a big splash in this world to make a difference to yourself, or others. Sustainability is what creates long-term growth. Just staying your course and doing small things with great love is more than enough.
9. Worrying that the path you’ve chosen might be the wrong one.
One of the things that can sabotage people the most when they’re trying to become better human beings is the fear of making the wrong decision, particularly when there is so much contradictory information available these days.
For example, if you’ve chosen a parenting approach that aligns with what you instinctively feel is right, you might worry that it’s the “incorrect” one if others are doing things differently, and fear that your children will pay for your mistake.
But if you are living in alignment with your personal truth, making the best choices you can with the information you have, and you feel deep down that what you’re doing is right and good, then there’s no need to fear.
Besides, if at some point you feel like the path you’ve chosen doesn’t fit properly anymore, you can always change direction.
Final thoughts…
If you’re striving to become a better human being, be honest with yourself about the motivations behind this desire. When you can understand the reasons behind your actions, you’re better equipped to navigate the path forward.
Furthermore, by understanding yourself, you can find the courage and strength to become the version of yourself that you’ve always dreamed of becoming – authentically and honestly – because it’s who you want to be, not because of who you think you should become.
