Do you ever find yourself wondering whether your partner is with you because they truly want to be, or just because they need you? If so, you may be scrutinizing their actions to determine the truth of the matter.
While it might be easier in theory to ask them, you may not get a sincere answer out of them. As such, here are a few ways to tell whether they really want you in their life, or if you’re only fulfilling a role for them to get their needs met.
1. They stay with you and step up for you when you can no longer do anything for them.
We’ve all heard stories about how many people abandon their spouses when they become ill, disabled, or unemployed. Rather than honoring the vows of “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health,” these individuals abandon ship as soon as they’re no longer reaping the benefits that their spouse had been offering them.
A person who’s with their spouse as long as they’re a nurse or a purse only needs them rather than sincerely wanting to be with them. How your partner behaves when they aren’t benefitting directly from your actions, labor, or resources tells you exactly whether they want to be with you or just want the comfort and stability you can offer them.
2. They choose to spend time with you.
There are few things quite as disheartening as a partner who essentially ignores you until they want something from you. Whether it’s attention, sex, food, or something labor-specific, that’s the only time they’ll seek you out: the rest of the time, you might as well not exist.
I experienced something like this in a previous relationship, in which my partner prioritized making music, gaming, and hanging out with his friends over spending time with me. That is, until he got hungry or wanted physical intimacy. Then I was expected to leap into action on his whim, and was accused of being cold and neglectful if I refused.
3. Conversations revolve around interesting topics, not assignments
In a good, healthy relationship where two people want to be together, conversations will likely cover a wide range of different subjects. You and your partner might chat about books or films over coffee in the kitchen, or tell each other silly stories about your misspent youth. Maybe you’ll envision plans for the garden you’d like to work on together, or muse about whether Abraham Lincoln or Queen Victoria would win in a fight.
But if your partner simply needs you rather than wanting you in their life, they’ll only talk to you when they have an assignment for you to do. For instance, they may barely speak to you for days until they let you know that you need to pick up something at the post office for them, or hem their trousers, or bake something for their office potluck. The only things they discuss with you are obligations, rather than ideas.
4. They do things for themselves instead of depending on you or using you.
There’s an equal amount of give and take between you, instead of one of you always giving and the other perpetually taking. Neither of you is dependent upon the other: you’re both capable adults who are pillars for one another. Yes, you may utilize each other’s strengths and offset each other’s weaknesses, and of course, there will be times when one of you needs more care and vice versa, but generally, you offer each other equal measures of support.
As such, your partner takes the initiative to do things for themselves instead of perpetually getting you to do them. Even if it’s something as simple as finding out whether there are specific ingredients in the kitchen. They’ll generally check the pantry and fridge on their own instead of asking you first, rather than behaving as though you keep a mental running tally of everything in the house and exist only to answer all their questions on command.
5. They work with you to find compromises that work for you both, rather than only focusing on their needs.
In an unbalanced relationship, particularly a relationship where one partner is only in to get their needs met, that one partner will generally have more say in everything that happens in their shared life together.
For example, I recently read a sad post on Threads in which a guy was lamenting that he hadn’t eaten crunchy peanut butter (which he loves) in over 20 years because his wife thinks it’s gross and refuses to have it in the house.
When a person truly wants you in their life, they’ll work with you to find compromises that work for you both rather than only prioritizing their needs. For example, if the two partners have different preferences for food, drink, interior decor, and whatnot, they’ll either find a middle ground that works for both of them, or each one will have a greater say in the subjects that are most important or non-negotiable to them.
The key is finding solutions as a team instead of one person having a “my way or the highway” approach, in which they’d sooner split up to find a more malleable partner than compromise with their current one.
6. They encourage your independence.
A person who needs you will likely be terribly possessive over you. After all, if you suddenly weren’t around anymore, they wouldn’t have their servant, emotional manager, walking wallet, or whatever other purpose you serve in their life anymore.
In contrast, someone who wants you in their life rather than just needing you will encourage you to pursue your own interests. If you say that you’re going out with your friends, they’ll wish you well and ask you to pass their good wishes along to your pals. There’s likely no or minimal insecurity about potentially losing you because they’re confident that your shared love will get you through.
7. They share special or important things in their life with you.
If your partner really wants you in their life, they share the best parts of it with you. For example, whenever something important or beautiful occurs in their life, their instinct is to share it with you rather than keep it all to themselves. You likely reciprocate, and the two of you might even get into little tiffs because you’re both insisting that the other person has the last corner piece of extra-fudgey brownie.
If a person simply needs you, they likely prioritize their own wants rather than yours. If you make extra food at dinner to take to work for lunch the next day, you might wake up to discover that they’ve already eaten it. Or you won’t find out that your partner got a promotion at work until your in-laws mention it in the group chat. Maybe they kept it quiet so they could pad their own bank account, or they simply don’t see you as important enough in their life to tell you about it.
8. You work together as a devoted team.
If your partner really wants you in their life, then they’d never throw you under the bus for their own benefit, nor hang you out to dry when and if things get difficult. No matter what happens, you know that the two of you can depend upon one another. This goes for things as simple as assembling shelving units or home-brewing your own beer, or as complicated as navigating legal issues or health challenges.
In contrast, a partner who simply needs you has no interest in “wasting” their time and energy on anything that doesn’t directly concern them. Whatever struggle you have before you is a “you problem”, not a “you together problem”. That is, until they’re suddenly dealing with a challenge. Then, of course, they need your assistance, despite the fact that they’re always reluctant to reciprocate.
Final thoughts…
Generally, the best way to tell if your partner wants you in their life or just needs you is by paying attention to how they treat you. If this person keeps telling you how they’d be lost without you and is perpetually turning to you to fill a hole in their life, see how they respond when you aren’t as available.
Should their “love” for you suddenly disappear when you’re no longer available at their beck and call, then I’m afraid that’s a pretty good sign that they simply need you rather than actually wanting you for who you are.
