You’re going on a long walk where you won’t get to rest much, and you find the biggest bag in your house, load it up with 100 cans of beans, and you put it on your back.
You’re ready.
Wait, what?
Why would you carry all of that with you? Do you really need all those beans?
The answer is a very obvious no, and you clearly wouldn’t do it when you didn’t have to. So why are we so accepting of carrying unnecessary emotional baggage?
We load it up on our backs, and believe me, it can be just as heavy as those beans, only we don’t set how illogical it is and set it down.
If we did, could you imagine how much lighter our lives would be?
With that in mind, here are 7 things that are finally okay to shed. You don’t need them where you’re going.
1. The pressure to stay strong for everyone else all the time.
Hands up how many of you are the glue? Come on, don’t be shy. If you meet the criteria of having to hold it together for everyone so they’re okay, then congratulations, you’re officially a human adhesive.
I jest – I’ll celebrate your intentions, but I’m not going to view always prioritizing everyone else over yourself as a good thing. It’s such a lot of pressure to put on yourself.
When you go on a plane, what do the flight attendants teach you? Put on your oxygen mask and then help the people around you! What good are you to anyone else if you don’t give yourself that vital air in an emergency?
It’s the same thing here, so consider me your online, easily distracted, fairly inattentive non-flight attendant:
Set down the responsibilities that aren’t yours to carry. Be strong for yourself more, and accept that other people need to be responsible for their own lives, not you.
2. The belief that any rest has to be earned.
Rest is not a reward; I repeat, rest is not a reward.
Rest is one of the joys of being human, and it is required of all of us. The problem is, we don’t all see it that way, and I want to change that.
We have slowly sunk into this productivity-obsessed culture where being busy is celebrated and “I’ll sleep when we’re dead” is seen as a positive mantra.
What?
No, I’m sorry. I want to rest. I do rest. I do not need permission or to check off errands before I feel I’ve earned it.
We should all understand that our self-worth isn’t tied to our output. So instead of waiting until you’re ready to fall to the floor before you sit down, just sit down.
You’re allowed to.
In regularly doing this, you give your body, mind, and nervous system the chance to remain regulated, rather than constantly fire-fighting.
Rest should be something you actively choose and can enjoy, not something you collapse into through exhaustion.
3. The version of yourself that someone taught you to shrink into.
When you’re young, you can’t pinpoint when someone is trying to make you shrink yourself. You know that you don’t feel right in yourself, but eventually, that uncertainty and anxiousness start to feel normal, even if it isn’t necessarily comfortable.
For me, it felt normal to feel small, which seemed like a complete contradiction as I was aware I was growing and getting older. I’d think, “How come there’s this part of me that still feels tiny?”
It was the part of me that was controlled. “You can’t manage that.” “You’re never going to be able to learn that.” “Travelling is a waste of money.” “No, you’ll go to school up the road, not in the city.” “Look at you on that keyboard. Do you think you’re going to be some famous singer someday or something?”
I’d step back, worried that I was expecting too much of myself. Maybe I should just keep my world small instead. Who am I to want these things, when clearly I’m poking around in the wrong league?”
A few years ago, I stopped carrying that idea of me. You know what happened? I realized I could do anything I wanted (well, okay, I accept I’m never going to be a neurosurgeon), but you know what I mean.
I understand it’s not always going to be simple or easy; sometimes that message you’ve internalized goes so deep that you’ll need professional help to unpack it.
But you don’t have to carry the feeling of being small. Your destiny was never in the hands of the person who tried to make you feel that way.
It’s time to take back the power; it never belonged to them anyway.
4. The fear of starting over.
It’s natural to fear starting over. Closing a chapter then opening a brand new page that’s unknown is naturally going to make you wonder what’s to come, but if you have a pen in hand, you can write most of it yourself.
The key is knowing what to write, what you want the chapter to contain, and why.
Setting old versions of ourselves down involves a fair amount of self-reflection, alongside a sprinkle of courage to help us take that leap. I believe we’re all capable of doing that, with practice, even if you don’t feel it yourself.
Take it from me, life is short. You don’t want to waste it dragging around an old version of you or your life around. If you really want something (or even someone), don’t live in your past. Give yourself permission to drop the dead weight and jump in.
Don’t get stuck re-reading a chapter you’ve long outgrown.
5. The relationship that has been long dead.
Oof! Who wants to sit down with me and discuss this one?!
Accepting that the relationship you’re in ended a long time ago is hard for many people. Too many of us don’t do this. Because it feels like accepting failure, or worse, wasted years, especially if you put a lot of time and effort into it.
But you still have time ahead of you, no matter how long or short that time is. Do you want to continue wasting your time and theirs, or do you view the experience not as a failure but an opportunity to learn and evolve?
It’s ok to set the relationship down and accept that some things just don’t work out, no matter how hard you try.
Because what’s the alternative to setting it down? Carrying it while it slowly crushes you, all the while missing out on the opportunity to hold a relationship that’s much lighter and better fitting? That will end up hurting more than leaving it behind you, I promise you that.
6. Friends who don’t appreciate you.
Your ‘friend’ calls you up. They want you to head to the store with them for a catch-up and a shop. You think it’s odd, but you go along and end up helping them, packing their bags, listening to all their problems. You come away with a loaf of bread for yourself and a look of confusion on your face.
Me. I just described me around 16 years ago.
This so-called friend never wanted to know how my day was, and she certainly didn’t want to do anything with me other than treat me as her tag-along assistant.
The day came when I realized how very emotionally heavy she was for me. We’d been friends for years. I spoke up about it, sending a text that left space for a loving conversation.
What did she do? She told me where to go, and I never heard from her again.
I blamed myself for a while, wondering if I did the right thing in speaking up. But judging by how she reacted, I know I did. It took a while to leave that behind, but I’d carried that feeling of not being appreciated long enough.
I wonder if you could do the same?
7. The need to keep apologizing, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
I left this until last, sorry about that.
Actually, no. I won’t apologize, because I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?
Over-apologizing usually comes from the need to please people. It says, “I want to keep the peace and make sure everyone is happy with me.”
Do people who over-apologize know this? No, of course not! They think they’re being polite, but it’s never about a genuine apology for a mistake you make.
Saying sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong usually happens because you’re carrying a bag that’s full of anxiety, low self-esteem, and insecurity issues. Perhaps someone (or more than one person) in your past made you feel like you had to carry those things because they made you feel guilty for having needs, for taking up space, or for being different.
Setting that bag down means you’re also addressing those additional things, too, which is why the process itself can prove tricky.
While that might be the case, it would still benefit you to do the work to try to leave it behind, don’t you think?
Final thoughts…
I wonder how many of these things you’ve carried in your lifetime, and whether or not you’ve set them down already or not.
For me, there are a few.
Life has a funny way of giving you what you need right at the time you need it, so maybe now is that moment that you’ll be ready to begin the process of dropping these emotional weights.
You deserve to have the kind of life where you only carry what you truly need, and that does not include the emotional equivalent of 100 cans of beans.
Essential luggage only, please!
