Most of us have experienced periods in which our relationships have caused us stress or discomfort. Misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable, and just about every partnership will be tested at some point.
That said, there’s a huge difference between a good relationship that has occasional blips and one in which stress and discomfort are the baseline standard.
If your partnership has been more of a trial than a blessing, it may not just be making you unhappy — it might be making you seriously unwell.
Here’s how to tell if that’s what’s been happening:
1. You seem to be ill all the time since your relationship started (or began deteriorating).
When you think about some of the worst or most frequent illnesses you’ve had to date, take a look at what your life looked like at the time. Have they coincided with this particular relationship?
I don’t know about you, but the times when I’ve been the most unwell have been times of extreme stress and hardship. I seemed to catch every illness that was going around, and also had a constant sore throat and runny nose.
When you’re constantly upset and stressed out, your body gets flooded with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. And according to scientific research, long-term raised cortisol levels desensitize immune cells and trigger chronic inflammation.
As a result, you end up being more vulnerable to infections. It can also delay wound healing or even exacerbate autoimmune disorders.
2. You’re plagued by constant headaches.
When you’re stressed or upset for long periods of time, you tend to clench up. And when the muscles in your jaw and neck are tightened for extended periods of time, that puts pressure on the nerves around your head.
If you’ve ever felt like there was a band being tightened around your skull, that’s probably a tension headache.
Similarly, when your cortisol and adrenaline are rollercoasting, the blood vessels in your brain can fluctuate intensely. For many people, a rapid drop in stress hormones can trigger a migraine, and lowered serotonin levels can make you more susceptible to pain.
If your relationship has been unhappy for a while, it’s likely the pain you’ve been experiencing isn’t just “in your head” metaphorically: it’s literally causing head pain.
3. Exhaustion is your baseline standard.
When you’re constantly dealing with emotional upheaval, perhaps because you’re walking on eggshells to keep the peace, you probably have difficulty relaxing.
This is because your stress hormones may remain intensified to the point where your cortisol levels aren’t dropping at night. Normally, your core temperature will drop in the evenings, letting your body know that it’s time to shut down for restorative rest. But that can’t happen when you’re constantly braced for conflict.
Similarly, if you’re jumpy or on edge because you expect stress or disruption from your partner, you may be too hypervigilant to get proper rest.
Your body, mind, and spirit recognize that your home isn’t a safe place for you to relax, so it won’t allow you to do so.
Unfortunately, this ends up causing a vicious cycle. Since you don’t get rejuvenating rest at night, you feel stressed and upset the next day, which then prevents you from sleeping, and so on.
4. Your digestion has gone to hell.
Maybe heartburn keeps you up half the night, or you wake up nauseated and can’t eat a thing until noon or later. Or everything you eat seems to give you an upset stomach in some way, shape, or form.
The gut-brain axis can cause digestion to be disrupted or accelerated during times of stress or upset. It can cause stomach pain, abdominal cramping, constipation, and other issues.
It can also upset gut bacterial balance, causing sensitivities to foods that never caused you problems before this relationship began.
5. The anxiety or depression you suffer from alleviates when your partner isn’t around.
If you’ve been suffering from anxiety and/or depression for a while, it may be difficult to be objective about when or whether they intensify or alleviate; as such, it may be helpful to document or journal about the process.
Keep detailed notes about when your anxiety spikes or you feel overcome by depression, as well as when you feel secure, confident, or even happy. Then compare that to a schedule of when your partner is around vs. when they aren’t.
If you notice that the periods in which you feel mentally stable correspond to when your partner isn’t present, that tells you a great deal about how their presence in your life affects you.
6. You’ve gained or lost a lot of weight.
The stress hormone cortisol raises blood sugar, and it can slow down your metabolism. It can contribute to belly fat and can also cause water retention.
As such, if you find that you’ve gained weight unexpectedly, it’s possible that unhappiness caused by your relationship has caused it.
Additionally, many people are stress eaters. High cortisol and adrenaline trigger cravings for sweet, high-calorie foods, which can also contribute to weight gain.
Alternatively, the opposite might be true: you might have lost a lot of weight unexpectedly.
Although some people eat when they’re stressed, others can’t bear to do so. Their challenging emotions suppress their appetite instead of increasing it.
Furthermore, being in “fight-or-flight” mode can temporarily speed up their metabolism so they lose weight without intending to do so.
7. Your various health issues have only arisen (or exacerbated) since your partner has been in your life.
Chronic illness and ongoing health conditions often flare up during times of stress and strife. Asthma, rosacea, eczema, alopecia, chronic pain, and Crohn’s disease are just a few chronic issues that tend to intensify when a person is unhappy or upset for long periods of time.
Have you found that your health conditions have worsened since you’ve been with your partner? And when you’re apart, do you notice that your health improves?
Take note of when your flare-ups happen and when they seem to alleviate, and cross-reference those experiences with when you’re having stress or other difficulties with your partner to see if there are any correlations between the two.
8. Your self-esteem is suffering badly.
Although a lot of the symptoms on this list are physical, you may suffer mental or emotional ill health as a result of your unhappy relationship as well.
This is particularly true if your partner is excessively critical of you, or has a tendency to be manipulative or controlling. They may make comments that make you feel like you’re not good enough (or too much) and erode your sense of self-worth over time.
Furthermore, the physical symptoms you experience, such as changes in weight, digestive problems, and chronic pain, affect your self-esteem too. This ultimately creates more stress and becomes a vicious cycle.
In some cases, mistreatment, abuse, and the chronic stress that arises from it can even contribute to unhealthy coping behaviors, such as disordered eating or substance abuse.
9. You suffer a serious cardiovascular issue like a heart attack or a stroke.
Cardiovascular issues happen more frequently as people get older, especially if they’re genetically predisposed to them. That said, chronic stress, lifestyle, and environmental influences are huge factors affecting our risk of a major cardiovascular event.
Chronic stress inflames the heart muscles, and stress hormones make blood platelets sticky. This increases their chances of clotting.
It may sound extreme, but long-term relationship stress can cause enough damage over time that it may contribute to these severe cardiovascular events, especially when combined with other factors.
As such, your partnership may not just be making you uncomfortable or encouraging you to daydream about happier alternatives — it may be making you seriously unwell.
Final thoughts…
It’s difficult when you love someone dearly but know deep down that your relationship isn’t healthy for you.
Alternatively, you may convince yourself that you’re actually happy and in love, when in reality you know that this partnership is making you seriously ill, but you’re either afraid of ending it or can’t do so right now because of financial constraints.
Please know that you aren’t alone here. Reach out to your close friends, family members, and healthcare providers, and let them know what’s going on. There’s always a way out, eventually, with greater peace and better health.
