If you’re an introvert or generally prefer quiet, calm behavior and surroundings, your early school report cards might have chastised you for not socializing enough.
People may have tried to coerce you out of your “shell” all your life, or told you to loosen up and have the same type of fun that they were having.
We live in a world that treasures outgoing, “bubbly” behavior and big personalities, and that world often shows disdain towards the quiet ones who prefer to keep to themselves.
Unfortunately, the result is often that the quiet ones get undervalued in the following ways:
1. They are seen as less capable (or even incapable) because they aren’t shouting about their skills.
Many people mistakenly believe that the loud, confident people are the most skilled; that they’re as boisterous and self-assured as they are because they are highly competent and have complete faith in their own abilities.
In contrast, they also often assume that those who are quiet and reserved are lacking. After all, if they were highly skilled, wouldn’t they be boasting about it loudly and proudly?
What’s more, if a person takes their time to think about something before offering an answer, others interpret them as being slow or lacking self-confidence instead of recognizing that they’re simply considering it more deeply so they can honor it properly.
Being reserved doesn’t mean that a person isn’t skilled. In fact, reserved people are often capable in ways that more boisterous individuals aren’t.
This is because they’ve spent a lot of time in quiet concentration mode — absorbing information and honing their abilities accordingly.
Many people are often shocked to discover that their quiet colleagues speak several languages, have multiple degrees, or have an astonishing number of skills across numerous fields.
2. They’re criticized for being unfriendly or “not being a team player” when they’re simply hard at work.
Many introverts and other quiet, reserved types have gotten immensely frustrated in an office environment when all they’ve wanted to do is focus on their assigned tasks, but the social butterflies are flitting around and making noise.
Extroverted types often wander from desk to desk, making conversation and sharing snacks, maybe making popcorn in the canteen, chatting on the phone, and so on.
Meanwhile, the introverts are getting things done.
They’re the ones who don’t just get their assignments done on time: they’ve also color-coded their spreadsheets, written up postmortem reports, populated the calendar with the next actionable goals, ordered more printer paper, and made reservations for the receptionist’s birthday lunch the following week.
While the bubbly office extroverts may be charming darlings, which is absolutely valuable if networking is a big part of the job, they’re often not the ones at their desks knuckling down. Yet Western society rarely realizes this, because it conflates visible with valuable.
3. People often try to take advantage of them because they’re assumed to be meek.
Quiet workers who keep their heads down and like to focus in peace and quiet are often assumed to be meek or easily manipulated. And as such, people may be more inclined to push against their boundaries or try to take advantage of them.
This is because a lot of people wrongly assume that loud people are strong and assertive, whereas quiet ones are weak and easier to push around.
For example, at my last office job, there was a guy who kept putting a stack of notes on my desk to transcribe because I was much faster at it than he was.
And since I had no social life (from his perspective, because I never joined them for drinks after work), he figured it was no big deal to give it to me so he could leave early.
Even after I told him that wasn’t my job, he simply laughed, patted the notes, and told me to make sure the document was double-spaced. So I picked up the notes and put them through the shredder.
He never tried to pawn his work off on me again.
4. Creative problem solving in solitude is seen as less valuable than “bouncing ideas off each other” is.
Poet and novelist Charles Bukowski once said: “The crowd is the gathering place of the weakest; true creation is a solitary act.”
This doesn’t just refer to making art or music, either — it can also refer to creative problem solving.
Extroverts bounce ideas off each other in a merry cacophony, and this may work at times. But research shows that more often than not it just serves to validate each other’s ideas (often in the direction of the most senior or popular person present) and may rarely come up with anything new or truly innovative.
In contrast, the quiet ones who withdraw into calm spaces are often the ones who can think outside the box and approach problems from many different directions without others’ input.
They aren’t interested in having others tell them how clever and fun their ideas are. Instead, they’re focused on solving the issue, whether through logic and reason or lateral thinking.
Susan Cain sums this up nicely in her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking:
“There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.”
5. The strength of character that comes from quietness is often completely missed.
The extroverts who are cherished in a world that loves confidence and boisterous energy may not always be the ones you want in a crisis scenario.
They’re used to being in the spotlight and being the fun, lively characters whom everyone enjoys having around. But when things hit the fan, and a situation requires calm, focus, and stillness, they may well freeze up or go into panic mode.
In contrast, the quiet ones may not seem like they could take control in a situation like this, but looks can be deceiving.
They may not be the de facto team leaders in standard workplace dynamics, but someone with a quiet strength is often exactly the person who can keep everyone calm and following safety protocols.
Their quiet, stoic strength and focus are often exactly what’s needed when others are freaking out.
6. Those most worthy of promotion often don’t get it.
How often have you gotten frustrated with a boss or supervisor who was completely under-qualified for their position?
Unfortunately, in many cases, people get to a position of seniority due to self-aggrandization. They’ve bragged and charmed their way into management roles they may have had no business attaining.
This is because extroverts who socialize and self-promote enthusiastically are often valued more than the quiet, reserved people who keep their heads down and focus on their work.
Quite simply, people who are loud are assumed to be natural leaders, whereas quieter people are assumed to be too shy or fearful to lead, which isn’t always the case at all.
As a result, the ones who know what they’re doing the most may be relegated to lesser roles while less-than-competent social butterflies get promoted and have to ask for help at every turn.
7. Our extrovert-loving society often doesn’t heed warnings from the quiet introverts who have been paying attention.
Most of us have experienced situations in which something dire will unfold, only for everyone around to ask why nobody ever warned them or took action to prevent it.
In reality, you can be almost certain that several people did bring attention to what was going on, but their warnings were ignored.
People who keep their heads down and focus on getting things done are usually highly attuned to what’s going on around them. For example, they may have incredible pattern recognition and a strong awareness of history.
Since they aren’t insistent or loud, however, others often ignore their warnings instead of listening to them. Unfortunately, their focus is often drawn by the loudest person in the room instead.
8. Those who choose non-conformity are often punished.
You might have noticed that those who dance to their own tune often earn other people’s contempt.
From high school through to the workplace, society tends to value sameness and conformity over individuality.
It rewards those who dress the same way, act the same way, share the same interests, and repeat the same phrases.
That can be a problem for quiet individuals who keep their heads down, because they are also sometimes more likely to be individualistic.
They’re often the ones who dress the way they like to rather than conform to whatever Vogue has determined to be in fashion this season. As deep thinkers, they also tend to think independently and critically instead of repeating what everyone else is saying or posting online.
Unfortunately, those with more of a herd mentality often find individuality disconcerting, so they seek to punish it instead of embracing it themselves.
Final thoughts…
The extrovert-worshipping world might have done its best to make you think that there’s something wrong with you for being quiet, slow, and steady in what you do.
They’re wrong.
A tortoise isn’t a lesser being because it isn’t a cheetah: it carries its home with it, moves at its own pace, and can live up to 200 years.
A cheetah can’t.
Never let anyone make you feel that you have lesser value because you prefer to live life at your own pace, in your own quiet way.
