Sometimes before I write, I stretch my arms up in the air, look at the ceiling, and take a big sigh. That’s not because I hate writing at all, but rather I know the topic is one that can weigh heavily.
On those occasions, I prepare myself to turn a toxic behavior into a more empowering message for you, the reader.
This isn’t about finding meaning in an excessively critical person’s harsh words; it’s about showing you how someone can be so unhappy with themselves that they’re willing to bring you down with them, too.
Because those who criticize regularly reveal these 7 things about themselves. And while they may be oblivious to it, it’s worth you having the upper hand and discovering why.
7 things constant criticism tells you about someone:
1. They mistake superiority for security.
Big mistake.
For the person criticizing, that false sense of superiority comes from damaging someone’s self-esteem through unnecessary words. If they find something to put you down about, that must mean they are better than you, right?
Wrong.
In fact, it really just reveals how insecure they are in themselves. If they were truly secure in who they were, they wouldn’t need to make themselves feel big by making you feel small.
Those who feel the need to act that way are trying to build an image for themselves, about themselves, because deep down they don’t actually believe it.
Criticizing you is an effective way for them to look as though they hold the moral high ground, even though they’re far from perfect themselves.
2. They were never taught (or learned) to tolerate difference.
I grew up with excessive criticism from a certain someone in my house, and one of the things they saw fit to put down was my taste in music. It went beyond the innocent “You call this music!” joke that many parents and their kids share.
“Not this again!” “This isn’t music!” “You’re easily pleased, aren’t you?” “Don’t you get bored of this?” “And to think we’re related!” It went on and on.
Being a teenager meant I was impressionable, particularly when it came to those who had authority over me. So I started to play what they liked, and the criticism died down; only I wasn’t enjoying what I liked.
Now I’m the parent, and my son listens to some wild and wacky stuff, but you know what? He’s growing into himself, and figuring out what he likes, and I hold respectful space for that.
I do this because I don’t want to repeat the generational patterns I experienced. The reality is that many people who grow up to be excessively critical or intolerant of difference do so because that’s what they grew up with.
They learned at a young age that different is bad, weird, or scary, and that anyone who dares to have their own likes and passions should be belittled until they fall in line.
If this resonates with you, you don’t have to continue those cycles.
Put whatever music you want on. Support whatever football team you want. Hate the summer or love the summer, but do it knowing you’re being you. Don’t be someone you’re not for the sake of someone else’s peace.
3. They judge others to conceal the envy they really feel.
“Have you seen my sister online? Look at where they’ve gone on vacation. My God. You’d think they’d won the lottery or something. She’s always been such a show-off. Why can’t she do something more productive with her money?”
The above hides a lot of resentment and bitterness, doesn’t it? It oozes jealousy, because that’s exactly what it is.
But people don’t want to admit to jealousy, so they desperately look for some kind of justification for their complaints. And so it’s the sister who is spending her money on the wrong things, or showing off.
It can’t just be, “Wow, Sarah looks like she’s having a lovely time; I’d love to go away there,” and that be the end of it.
When someone constantly criticizes, you have to ask yourself what this person is truly lacking, and why they feel the need to bring others down with them.
Often, it’s because they want what that person has, but they can’t have it for one reason or another, be that money, responsibilities, their own choices, or circumstances beyond their control.
But jealousy is unproductive, and it’s ugly, which is why it hides behind the mask of judgment instead.
4. Their inner voice is so harsh, it’s projected onto others, too.
There’s something very interesting and tragic about the inner critic, and that is that the harsh things people say to others often start as harsh things they say to themselves. And worse still, those hard things were once said to them.
It’s a vicious cycle.
For example, when someone thinks “I’m so stupid!” it can easily spill out as “You’re so stupid!” It’s as if the voice they hear in their own mind gets directed at whoever is in front of them.
So where did those people learn that they’re stupid, or any other criticism, before projecting it onto other people?
Somewhere, that’s for sure!
There will have been a time in their life when they themselves were spoken to so harshly that they adopted the voice to be their own. Without self-awareness and intention, it continues unchecked, being passed down to their kids, or anyone they have significant influence over.
With each criticism, they’re showing exactly what they’ve experienced, and how bitter it’s made them.
5. They’ve learned to focus on flaws, not strengths.
I might have got you with this one, because who even gets to decide what is a flaw and what is a strength?
This question really flips flaws on their heads. What if someone was passionate about a hobby? Should they be considered flawed for being too invested?
If someone is that critical, anything can constitute a flaw.
“You’re so obsessed with candles, why are there so many around the house?” “Why is it I go to take the trash out, and you’ve already done it?” “Why do you always insist on stopping to get flowers for my mother before we see her?”
Somehow, this person is a problem just because they love candles, are efficient with the trash, and like to give flowers. That’s where I’m going with this.
Why aren’t these things strengths? It’s all about perception, and if you’re around someone who is constantly critical, then yes, anything and everything is viewed as a flaw.
They’ve been conditioned, often through life experience or trauma, to view life through a negative lens, so that’s what they do.
But that doesn’t mean you are built on flaws. Their skewed perception is not your reality.
6. They genuinely don’t like seeing other people happy.
We live among them, people. The type of person who just doesn’t like to see anyone else happy, and so when they do, they take it upon themselves to make them unhappy.
Being on the receiving end of this can be a real spirit-breaker for those who are enjoying life and whatever it is they’ve got to smile about.
This isn’t about being jealous; it’s more about wanting to sabotage someone else’s happiness simply because they are uncomfortable seeing it.
Inside that person is a world of pain, or maybe they’re under the kind of stress whereby a happy disposition triggers them.
These people are often genuinely struggling with their mental health, and the sight or sound of happy people makes them feel even more desolate and isolated than before.
Criticism feels like the only way to get through those hard feelings of “Why them and not me?” If they can’t be happy, then why should anyone else have the right to?
7. They feel threatened by people who are brave enough to try new things, because it shines a light on their own fear.
I wish I could be more like those people who just go out and try something because it seems like a fun idea, or a good way to pass the time. I’m far too much of a planner to be spontaneous, and I let fear stop me too much of the time.
However…
That doesn’t mean I would begrudge or criticize anyone else for wanting to snap up all the opportunities life hands them. I understand that to do so would just be my own fear and insecurity talking.
It’s easy when you’re scared or anxious to let the bravery of others make you feel small, but that’s a you issue, not a them one.
Instead of criticizing them for having all these wonderful things going on, we could choose to step out of our comfort zone and join them, or at the very least, celebrate them.
These people shouldn’t be seen as a threat, but more as the kind of people to be inspired by.
Final thoughts…
When you make it your mission to disapprove of or point out the faults in others on a regular basis, you’re more often than not shining a light on what your life might look like.
Whether it’s resentment, unhappiness, or struggles that you’re going through, finding fault and constantly judging someone will rarely make you feel better in the long run.
Rather than aiming such negativity at people who are happy with themselves and their lives, wouldn’t it be more productive if we managed to find beauty instead?
And if you do genuinely have to give someone feedback that may sting, softening the blow so the other person will actually listen to you and can fix their mistakes constructively is a far better route to take.
