Many of us look back on our lives and wonder how things might have worked out if we’d taken other paths.
What would life look like now if we’d dated that other person or taken the train instead of a flight?
And although some things in life are a crapshoot, others unfold as they do because we choose not to take risks, choose logic over emotion, etc.
As such, people who don’t want to look back and wonder “what if” should start doing the following things immediately.
9 ways to avoid “what if” regrets:
1. Make an actionable list of the things you’re actually going to do, and then do them.
The best thing you can do is write a list of things you sincerely want to get done, and then do them.
This isn’t solely a bucket list per se, so much as a list of things that are important to you. Divide this list into two groups: the Big Life List and the smaller To-Do list.
The smaller one encompasses things like finally cleaning out the garage, like you’ve been promising to do for years. In contrast, the big list is full of significant experiences you’d like to have while you’re still earthside.
Once you have those lists done, prioritize actually doing the things that are on them. That way, you won’t languish in bed years from now wondering what life would’ve been like if you’d put real effort into doing what you wanted.
2. Determine what’s real vs. what’s ideal.
Instead of keeping things in the realm of possibility, reflect on who you are and what you sincerely want. Then cross-reference that with what’s achievable.
For example, I had a friend we’ll call S. For ages, S insisted that he wanted to be a breakdancer, despite having zero athletic ability.
He talked about this dream for years, but every time I asked when he was going to start practicing, he got angry at me and accused me of trying to “wreck his dream.” All I was doing was asking when he was going to pursue his professed raison d’etre.
A few years later, he found that folklore was actually his real calling. He was much happier poring over old books in old libraries than spinning around on sheets of cardboard. And that’s ok.
At some point, we all have to zero in on whether we have a real shot at a goal or if it’s just a daydream. This can take the sting out of potential regret, as recognizing what isn’t viable is just as important as pursuing what is.
3. Put your potential ideas to the test.
Risk can be scary, but it’s only by taking risks that you can determine whether something has the potential to come to fruition or not.
For example, let’s say you may have grandiose ideas about a small business venture, but you haven’t put it into action yet because you’re afraid it won’t do well.
This is where you have the opportunity to dip your toes into the water instead of hurling yourself off a cliff into unknown waters below. You don’t need to quit your job or put your life savings on the line, but you can take small steps.
It’s only by testing your ideas and interests out that you can ascertain if it’s something that you want to pursue seriously.
So make that soap and see if people you know are interested in buying it. Or build those designer birdhouses and see if there’s a market for people who want to buy them.
You won’t know until you try.
4. Discuss it with capable people whom you trust.
If you don’t trust your own instincts, discuss your idea with people you care about and whom you trust to be honest with you.
In particular, talk to those who have experience in the field you’re interested in, or who have had similar experiences with the type of relationship you’re considering.
Just as importantly, really listen to them and be mindful of your own desires and how they may be forming a bias one way or another.
The goal here is to find the objective truth of the situation, to determine whether this really is a good idea or not, and if so, how viable is it?
Solid, true friends are a lifesaver here. If it’s worth it, they’ll be the first to let you know (and ask how they can support you in this endeavor).
Furthermore, they’ll let you know if you’re being an “ask-hole” or not, i.e., asking the same questions of everyone around you until someone gives you the answer you want to hear, rather than the honest truth.
5. Take the risk even if there’s a possibility of failure.
It’s far better to give something a chance and miss the mark than to never try, and then berate yourself for it later.
In fact, it’s only by really going for something that we learn the reality of that pursuit. You can’t look back and wonder “what if?” when you know that you gave this endeavor your absolute all.
The old saying “fortune favors the brave” is very true. One of two things will happen when you put sincere effort into an attempt: either you’ll succeed, or you’ll learn something important from the experience. That’s not failure.
The only way you’re guaranteed to fail is if you don’t try.
6. Learn from people who have made mistakes.
One thing that can galvanize a lot of individuals is reading interviews with people on their deathbeds who deeply regret all the things they didn’t do.
Reading or listening to other people’s “what if?” regrets can really light a fire under you to take the risks you’ve been hesitant to try.
We don’t want to end up like these individuals in hospice care, facing the end and mentally running through all the things we wish we’d been brave enough to try.
Most of us already have some regrets about past actions (or lack thereof). Let’s not add to that list.
7. Be explorative without attachment to outcome.
Essentially, aim to explore a bunch of things without getting deeply invested in the outcome.
This is rather like tasting several little bites from a buffet to figure out what you’d like instead of loading up your plate, only to find out that you don’t actually like what you’ve taken.
In Mythology, the Seeker is a very common archetype that’s associated with discovery, growth, and unexpected rewards, even if the journey doesn’t go as planned.
The Seeker ventures into the world with an open and curious heart, returning with new experiences and insights.
Be like the Seeker. Go to a festival or retreat in another country with some friends, and you might meet the love of your life, make connections for a new career, make a best friend, or witness wonders you never imagined.
8. Do things that are important to you, even if others disapprove of them.
Many of us had several different hobbies and interests in the past that we didn’t pursue because they weren’t deemed important enough to spend time on. Maybe we had to focus on earning a living, or we set things aside that others disapproved of or made fun of.
But one major regret that many people express is not living a life that was true to them, rather than what others expected of them.
Many of us had great ideas in the past that those around us convinced us weren’t viable, but turned out to be brilliant when other people did them years later — like Uber Eats, or making creepy stuffy toys for people who love spooky stuff (like my partner).
If you have an amazing idea, pursue it, and see if you can prove the naysayers wrong.
You cannot let other people define your idea of happiness and success without living to regret it.
9. Reframe your thoughts and focus on the here and now.
Quite often, what we might perceive as a missed opportunity was actually a dodged bullet.
We may not know it at the time, and in fact we may never get all the details about the situation we avoided. But if things didn’t work out as expected, then it most likely wasn’t meant to be.
Yet a lot of people spend so much time lamenting what “could have been” that they miss real opportunities that are unfolding around them.
Furthermore, most of those imagined lost chances are fantasies.
The “one who got away” might have turned out to be abusive, or that missed chance to travel could have resulted in a plane crash.
Don’t get so lost in “might have been” that you fail to appreciate what’s going on here and now.
Final thoughts…
Putting these things into practice won’t undo the regrets and musings that we have about past lost chances, but they can prevent more “what if?” situations to look back upon.
Choose the future that you want and forge your own path to get there. Take risks, have joy, and most importantly, be true to yourself no matter what.
