Most people think about divorce for a long time before they decide to file for it. Furthermore, they often discuss it with friends or family members before raising the topic with their spouse. This can be immensely helpful to clarify and negotiate the way forward once the topic is raised.
What the person who’s contemplating divorce may not anticipate, however, is the maelstrom of emotional and physical responses that might occur when they first say the word “divorce” out loud to someone else, both from themselves and others.
7 things that might happen when you first talk about divorce with friends, family, or confidantes:
1. You might have an anxiety or panic attack.
Things often don’t feel “real” until you voice them aloud. This applies to things like challenging health diagnoses as well as potentially ending relationships.
Even if you’ve known for a long time that your marriage is falling apart, hearing yourself say the word “divorce” out loud for the first time can cause a wave of anxiety or panic — especially if you’ve been married for a long time.
Saying things aloud makes them real rather than simply imagined, as spoken words cannot be unsaid. Pandora’s box has been opened, and you can’t cram that word back in there. Instead, you have to face what you’ve said and decide what action to take next.
This may cause a significant amount of anxiety, because divorce means change, upheaval, stress, potential conflict with loved ones, and an end to the life you’ve been living up until now.
So if you start shaking or throwing up, don’t worry: it’s a normal reaction.
2. You may cry.
If you’re seriously contemplating divorce, it’s for a reason. In fact, there may be a plethora of reasons why you want out of this partnership.
The desire (or need) to end a marriage doesn’t come out of nowhere, and usually arises after a significant amount of unhappiness, discomfort, betrayal, and/or abuse.
If you’ve been keeping the emotions associated with these things bottled up for a really long time, saying “divorce” aloud can remove the plug that’s been keeping them repressed.
Don’t be surprised if you cry quite intensely when this happens. Use as many tissues as you like, and don’t worry about ugly crying in front of your loved ones. They presumably adore you and will want to support you however they can.
3. Alternatively, you may feel an incredible lightening of the spirit.
For some people, saying the word “divorce” aloud for the first time can make them feel an immense amount of relief. Saying it has the same effect as a magic word that opens a secret doorway, which leads to freedom and new opportunities.
When I first told a friend of mine that I wanted to divorce my ex, I immediately felt like a huge burden had been lifted from me.
I had a solution ahead of me, and saying that word aloud made the decision a firm one. It made it real. And that meant that the door to a new life was opening for me.
I actually burst out into happy tears and was able to eat a full meal that night for the first time in known memory, because my stomach wasn’t locked tightly into a ball of anxiety and distress.
4. They may try to talk you out of it.
One unexpected — and potentially unpleasant — thing that may occur when you tell others that you’re considering divorce is that they may express resistance to the idea.
This is especially likely from people who think you have a perfect marriage, but haven’t been privy to the things that have gone on between you and your spouse behind closed doors.
Some people might also try to convince you not to split up because of how that parting would affect their own lives or because of their own beliefs.
For example, friends of yours who don’t want their social group to split up, or relatives who don’t want the family dynamic to change or don’t agree with divorce because of religious beliefs.
Don’t be surprised if they try to convince you to stay together because your spouse is such a great parent to your kids, or imply that you’ll never find anyone better.
They’re speaking from a place of selfishness and fear of loss, rather than seeking to truly understand your side of things.
5. You may realize the reality of greater loss.
Let’s say you’re very close with your in-laws: in fact, they might be the family you never had, especially if you had a difficult upbringing or are estranged from your own relatives. If you divorce your spouse, that likely means losing your extended family as well, and that includes any stepchildren you helped to raise.
You’ll also lose a lot of personal comforts, such as downsizing to a flat rather than living in your house, having less disposable income, and, if you’re disabled, less sovereignty in your life in general.
Saying the word “divorce” aloud often means accepting the reality of what it might really mean to part ways with this person. You aren’t just parting ways from them, but from the life you’ve been living up until now.
6. You might feel an unexpected opening of life’s doors.
If you’ve felt trapped in an unhappy marriage for a long time, you might have assumed that various dreams and goals were beyond your reach.
In fact, you may have resigned yourself to enduring your current happiness indefinitely rather than hoping or dreaming for anything better.
As soon as you say the word “divorce” out loud to someone else, you suddenly realize that the doors you thought were closed to you aren’t locked or barred.
If you wanted to, you could potentially accept a dream job in another country without having to justify your choice, or pursue a partner you’re sincerely interested in.
All the things that felt unavailable to you while you made the choice to be with your partner are now very real possibilities.
7. People you thought were close friends may swoop in to try to date you.
This was one of the most uncomfortable things that happened to me after my divorce, and many of my other friends have experienced it as well.
Quite simply, as soon as you state your interest or intention to end your marriage, you may learn that some people in your social circles have been interested in dating you for a long time.
This is all well and good if there’s always been an undercurrent of mutual interest, but it can be more than a little uncomfortable if there hasn’t been.
Some people may feel flattered at the attention, but others may feel betrayed by it. It can be upsetting to discover that individuals you thought were in your life because they valued you as a friend were actually just biding their time until they had a chance to get you into bed.
Final thoughts…
Divorce is never an easy thing to negotiate, but it doesn’t come out of nowhere. There are countless reasons why people part from their spouses, and if you’re ready to say the word aloud, you’ve likely been considering it for a long time, for many good reasons.
Trust yourself and have faith in the fact that you know what’s best for you. You’ll undoubtedly encounter things you didn’t expect, but you’re strong and resilient enough to weather whatever storm may unfold.
