Although a lot of people like to think that marriage is “happily ever after” as soon as vows are exchanged, the reality is that it’s more like a rollercoaster. This is inevitable whenever two people share a life — and a living space — for several years, especially since they will grow and change at different rates (and not always in the same directions).
Divorce is never a fun thing to deal with, and many couples try several different approaches to try to make things work before resorting to a split. Here are some of them to consider.
1. Separate your living spaces (for the sake of sanity).
Quite often, one of the main contributing factors to marital strife is being stuck in close quarters. You know the saying “familiarity breeds contempt”? Well, it’s not wrong. People who are stuck spending nearly all their time together usually end up at each other’s throats. In fact, statistics show that a lot of couples end up divorcing after retirement, which is unsurprising given they’re suddenly in each other’s faces all the damn time.
If you’re dealing with this kind of situation but you don’t want to divorce (yet), aim to separate your spaces as much as you can. Sleep in separate bedrooms, or if you have a home that’s more than one storey, create your own spaces on separate floors. I know one couple that saved their marriage by selling their bungalow and buying a duplex: they’re still under the same roof, but they have their own space, decorative styles, sleeping schedules, etc.
2. Travel separately as often as possible.
If travel is an option, moving around to see different places and friends can greatly mitigate pressures at home. Space and time away from each other may allow both of you to decompress from the issues that are causing tension, and will also offer time and space for calm, rational introspection without the other causing interruption.
Sometimes, taking time apart is exactly what’s needed to determine what’s causing the strife and how to negotiate a path forward. Think of it this way: you can’t pay attention to your own thoughts when someone near you is screaming or bouncing a ball on you. When you’re alone, in a place that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit, everything comes into greater focus and perspective.
3. Consciously redefine the parameters of your relationship.
The parameters that were established early on in your relationship may not work for you both now, and that might be a major contributing factor to the discord you’re currently dealing with. Furthermore, you might have changed significantly as individuals, and what worked for you before might be causing unnecessary strain.
Here’s an example: in one of my previous partnerships, we ended up with a “dead bedroom” after being together for several years. After many heartfelt discussions, we both recognized that although we get along amazingly well as close friends, there was no romantic connection anymore. As soon as we made the mutual decision to be platonic, all the tension in the house disappeared, and we were free to be the best of friends, sharing a living space and enjoying life as a team.
Quite often, marital disharmony isn’t a “good guy/bad guy” situation so much as an inharmonious arrangement.
4. Open the relationship to new solutions.
Don’t be afraid to have an unconventional relationship, especially one that others may not understand. For example, with the dead bedroom situation mentioned above: if you and your partner love each other dearly but aren’t interested in each other intimately anymore, there’s always the possibility of opening up the relationship — either to polyamory, or a “don’t ask/don’t tell” situation, so long as it works for both of you.
Other unorthodox approaches that might help to save your marriage are to live completely separately for a while, either in separate dwellings or in completely different locations. For example, actors Vincent Cassel and Monica Bellucci lived in separate countries for much of their 14-year marriage, and Tim Burton lived next door to Helena Bonham Carter during their 13-year relationship.
5. Therapy (either together or separately).
Many people who have never experienced real hardship see obstacles as threats to run away from rather than challenges to overcome as a team. Furthermore, they often have double standards as far as behavior goes: they might want empathy and compassion when they’re going through personal difficulty, but if their partner exhibits similar behavior, they’ll label it as “toxic” and want to throw in the towel asap.
In other situations, people who don’t work through and heal from their past traumas bring them into their relationships, and then project those past hurts onto the present situation.
You can discuss all your issues with your therapist so you can get a fresh perspective and aren’t lashing out at your spouse with pent-up frustration, and your spouse can do the same. If you’re up for couples therapy, you can then regroup with the same therapist to work through the things you haven’t been able to discuss openly and freely with one another.
6. Create complementary choreography.
If you’re living in a very close space and you’re sick to death of each other, split shifts so to speak, so that you don’t have to deal with each other being underfoot. Basically, schedule usage of common spaces so you aren’t in each other’s pockets, and therefore aren’t at each other’s throats.
Communicate your plans so that if one of you is cooking or baking, the other is doing something outside of the kitchen. Similarly, taking jobs that allow you to be on different shifts can allow you both to have more alone time.
7. Seek the things that created the relationship in the first place.
You married each other for a reason, so set your minds back to what it was that brought you together in the first place. Did you bond over your shared love of a particular subject or hobby? Or did you enjoy trying different foods, travelling, or nerding out over niche films and TV series?
Consciously identify what it was that brought you together, and then ask yourself how often you’ve kept up those pursuits during the marriage. Many couples grow apart because the obligations of “adulting” (work, home maintenance, parenting, etc.) get in the way of their togetherness. If you can take a step back and do those things together again, it may rekindle the good feelings that are still smoldering beneath the ash.
8. Work hard to establish what is making you both so unhappy, to determine whether this is salvageable (or not).
People can tell when they’re unhappy in their marriage, but they may not be able to pinpoint exactly why. There may be a number of things that they think are contributing factors, but they might either be in denial about the fundamental reason why they’re miserable, or they simply haven’t figured out what’s causing the ennui yet.
If you can both take the time to honestly identify where your respective flashpoints are, or what it is that’s making you feel unhappy or unfulfilled, you’ll stand a much better chance of resolving this mutual challenge and working towards a more functional marriage together.
Final thoughts…
Marriage isn’t always smooth sailing: tides ebb and flow, and although things might be amazing a lot of the time, there will also be periods of anger, tension, and resentment. There may even be times in which couples downright dislike each other. But there’s often an opportunity to get close again rather than abandoning the marriage and choosing something fresh and new instead, only to repeat the cycle.
The wheel turns, and today’s unhappiness may well turn into tomorrow’s comfort and fulfillment with a bit of time, care, and effort.
And hell, divorce remains an option if it doesn’t.
