Things aren’t always what they appear to be.
Indeed, many of us have made the mistake of assuming the behavior we’ve witnessed in others or embodied ourselves is contentment, when in fact it’s resignation.
While these behaviors can look similar on the surface, there are telltale signs that can reveal key differences between them.
Ultimately, it comes down to taking a real, uncomfortable look at a situation in order to tell them apart effectively. Only in doing that can you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface — and what needs to change.
7 ways to distinguish resignation from contentment:
1. Contentment brings a sense of presence and engagement with life, but with resignation often comes dissociation.
When a person is feeling content with their lot in life, they’re usually present and engaged with whatever they’re participating in.
They use active listening techniques as much as possible in conversation, and when they’re taking part in an activity, their focus is usually on what they’re experiencing in the present moment.
They may be doing or discussing things that others might consider mundane, but they’ll light up when they talk about them. Furthermore, they may be keen to share things that make them happy, even if it’s as simple as a bit of sourdough starter or a great book title.
And when the individual looks back on those days in the future, they’ll have fond memories of them and may be able to describe the things they did in great detail.
In contrast, someone who’s resigned to what they’re going through will often try to disassociate from it mentally and emotionally.
They’ll be physically present, of course, but their mind may be a thousand miles away. This person often shifts their mind to someplace more interesting or comforting while they’re suffering through whatever they’re being forced to endure — so much so that they may not form any memories of it at all.
2. Contentment gives you the feeling of agency in your own life rather than being simply a passenger in it.
A person who feels that they have agency in their life will talk about all the things they’re engaged in, as well as the things they’re interested in pursuing.
When they talk about future plans, they’ll express excitement and enthusiasm and might even want to show you what it is they’ve been working on.
This is quite different from someone who is resigned to their fate and simply shrugs when you ask them what’s going on in their world.
They may say things like “If I had any say…” or “if I were allowed to…”, as though other people are calling all the shots in their life.
People like this often feel like they have no power in how their lives are unfolding: they’re merely passengers in their own existence.
3. Contentment often feels calm and grounded, whereas resignation feels irritable and resentful.
When a person feels content about their life, they usually exude an air of calmness and groundedness.
They feel a sense of security about where they are and where they’re going, and have a sense of peaceful optimism about how things are unfolding.
Meanwhile, those who are resigned to enduring the situation they’re in are often irritable, expressing resentment for their current state and their inability to free themselves from it.
I’ve been in situations like these, and they feel like being forced to wear ill-fitting clothes that you aren’t free to remove.
You end up feeling like you’re clawing at the inside of your skin, but can’t take it off. All you can do is tolerate each moment until you can finally free yourself from the trap you’re stuck in.
4. Contentment gives you energy and focus for your hobbies and interests, whereas resentment saps your energy.
When a person is content, they usually take pleasure in their various hobbies, interests, and other pursuits. They make a point of dedicating time to these pursuits on a regular basis, and look forward to projects they’ll be able to do in the future.
If someone is resigned rather than content, however, then their craft supplies and TBR book pile are likely gathering dust.
They have no impetus to pursue these things, and the pursuits they used to love often don’t engage or excite them anymore.
It’s as though their passion for such things has fled, so they either keep themselves busy with chores and obligations, or zone out by playing on their phones
5. Contentment sounds like your usual self; resignation sounds like a muted version of you.
Believe it or not, a change in how someone speaks can often tell you much more than the words they use.
Note the word change here, though. We all communicate differently, so it’s important not to apply hard and fast rules, but rather look for differences in someone’s usual speech pattern.
For example, a changed cadence in someone’s speech can give you some great insights about their emotional state.
A person who’s doing pretty well and generally feels content about their life will often speak enthusiastically. You’ll often hear their voice rise and fall both in tone and volume as they communicate with those around them.
In contrast, someone who’s resigned themselves to their existence might begin to sound quite flat compared to how they used to speak, and they may begin to speak in very short, clipped sentences — like they’re only communicating because they have to, rather than because they want to.
As we’ve mentioned, people’s natural communication style varies, so it’s important to remember that some people may naturally sound more flat or direct when they speak.
To determine whether this is their natural style or not, you’ll need to take note of what their behavior is like at other times.
Doing so will give you better insights as to whether they’re feeling resignation about unpleasant life circumstances, or if they’re perfectly content and simply expressing things in their own way.
6. Contentment brings a healthy daily rhythm, whereas resentment is more like a Groundhog Day existence.
Many people fare quite well with a reliable routine. They may plan out their days with specific pursuits and tasks, such as waking up at the same time daily so they can hit the gym or take a walk before work.
They may know exactly which foods work best for them and create a schedule for preparing them, and have classes and other social pursuits that they partake in religiously.
They do these things because they want to, and holding to this routine brings them a sense of security and deep contentment.
This is wholly different from a person whose life has become a Groundhog Day-like slog in which they do the same thing every day, without respite.
There’s no variation in their duties, and they have nothing to look forward to. They simply endure the same soul-sucking routine, day in and day out, like a mule tied to a wheel they have to push in a circle for the rest of their life.
7. Contentment brings hope or curiosity about the future, whereas resignation brings pessimism.
If a person is content, they usually have an open-hearted curiosity about how the future is going to unfold.
They feel safe and secure in their life circumstances, and their attitude towards the future is optimistic. For example, if you feel content in your family life, you may look forward to your kid’s wedding, grandchildren, retirement, and so on.
In contrast, if you feel resigned to your fate, then all of your energy is likely focused on surviving a minute or an hour at a time.
You may dread the future as being more of the same drudgery that you’re currently burdened with, and you aren’t hopeful about anything more positive unfolding in the future.
If anything, you may view the rest of your life the same way a prisoner views a life sentence: as something you’re forced to endure, rather than enjoy.
Final thoughts…
It can be difficult to discern contentment from resignation when you’re in the thick of the situation. This is particularly true if you’ve been unhappy for a while, but in denial about how bad things have gotten.
After all, in many cases it’s much easier to disassociate and keep on going than it is to throw your life into upheaval to change it.
But if, in reading this, you recognize that you’re leaning more towards resignation rather than contentment, it may be the sign you’ve needed to make real change happen as soon as you can.
