A strong, healthy partnership is a well-balanced, reciprocal one. You may not both be emotionally demonstrative all the time, but you give each other fairly equal amounts of attention, affection, and emotional support on a regular basis.
When things are unbalanced, however, one partner generally benefits from the attention they receive, but gives very little in the way of sincere emotional closeness in return. And that rarely ends well in the long run.
Here are some signs to look out for that the person you’re with may enjoy the attention you lavish upon them, but is unable to give you the emotional connection you deserve.
9 signs your partner enjoys your company but can’t give you the emotional connection you want:
1. They get physically affectionate to distract you from talking about things that require vulnerability.
The two of you might be preparing dinner in the kitchen together when you bring up a meaningful topic about your worries, feelings, or your future together.
Before you know it, they’ve put down the vegetables they’ve been chopping and are biting your neck suggestively, and by the time you get back to prepping the ratatouille, you’ve completely forgotten what it was you wanted to talk about.
Sadly, it’s not just that they were overcome with affection. This behavior gets repeated any time you bring up a topic that’s more in-depth than Saturday night plans or what to have for dinner.
Discussing anything that requires emotional vulnerability is verboten, and they’ll make sure to distract you any time you dare to mention either.
2. They’ll ask you a lot of questions, but act evasive when you ask things in turn.
You might feel like the most important person in their world because they want to know absolutely everything about you.
They’ll ask you questions about all the things that are important to you, memorize your birthday, your favorite color, your food preferences, and so on, and ensure that conversations are centered around your interests and opinions.
When you ask questions about them, however, they’ll always find a way to avoid answering you.
They may give vague answers before changing the subject, or turn the conversation back towards you by asking what you think, what you’ve been through, and so on.
The two of you may talk for hours, yet afterwards you might feel as though you know even less about them than you did before.
3. They’re nowhere to be found when a crisis occurs.
It’s devastating when someone who claims to care about you suddenly goes MIA when you need them the most. Things are even worse if you’ve consistently been there for them through difficulties, but they disappear when the roles are reversed.
This happened to me several years ago after I spent months helping a former partner of mine recover from a serious illness. Not long afterwards, I was bed-bound with a bad lung infection and a high fever, and I texted her to ask if she could bring me some medicine and maybe some soup.
I didn’t hear back from her for several days, at which point she offered a “lol, sorry!” and the excuse that she’d been busy spending time with friends. Still, she hoped I was feeling better, so that was nice.
Similarly, you might notice that your partner is happy to be around you when times are good, but when you are vulnerable and need support, they suddenly fade into the background. This is often because they are trying to protect themselves from uncomfortable feelings they don’t know how to handle, but that doesn’t make it any fairer on you.
4. They seem to get annoyed or uncomfortable when you express emotions.
A person who’s uncomfortable with real emotional closeness will often be uncomfortable when others express emotions towards them.
For example, they may brush off words of affection as overly sentimental or saccharine, and say that they don’t go in for that kind of nonsense.
Alternatively, they may suggest that they’re so sensitive because of past traumas that expressing emotions is too triggering for them to handle. And this may well be the case, since many people who struggle with emotional closeness do so due to childhood neglect or trauma.
They may enjoy physical closeness with you, like spending time with you, and certainly like the effort you put into them, but they seek to control what you express towards them. And while it’s good to be compassionate, particularly if it’s a trauma response, it’s worth considering whether this is going to be healthy and sustainable for you long-term.
5. They run hot and cold depending on your availability.
Running hot and cold is a classic sign of someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, characterized by wanting connection but fearing it in equal measure.
In simplest terms, your partner may show affection towards you when they want it, but if you aren’t available to them when they want you, they may withdraw, leaving you feeling as though you’ve done something wrong simply by having your own life.
A good example of this may be if you make plans to hang out with friends, and they ask you to cancel those plans to spend time with them.
Everything is fine if you bail on your friends to be with them, but if you hold to your previous commitment, they may not answer your calls or texts for a while.
Should the roles be reversed, however, they’d give you hell for being selfish and uncaring. They want to know they have you all to themselves, ready and willing whenever they like, but they freak out when you make similar demands of them in turn.
6. They insist that they just want to keep things “fun” or “chill”, but on their terms, not yours.
The relationship you have with them may feel confusing and inconsistent, and that’s because it is.
If you are in a committed relationship, they might enjoy spending time with you and sharing routines — but the moment things require emotional depth, they pull back, saying you take things too seriously.
Basically, they want all the comfort and security of a committed relationship, without the vulnerability that real closeness requires.
Alternatively, if they have not yet committed, you may find that they “love-bomb” you or even partake in future faking in order to build a bond with you, but then withdraw when and if things start to get more serious.
For example, they may mention marriage or kids as a possibility one day, but if you bring up that same topic the following week, they’ll remind you that this is just a casual thing and that’s way too serious to discuss.
Interestingly, though, if they mention something about your future together and you say that you aren’t interested in anything serious, they may freak out and worry that you’ll abandon them.
7. They don’t share details about those close to them.
They may be happy (or even expect) for you to be an open book with them, sharing details about your friends, family members, workplace and colleagues, and so on, but they’re evasive whenever you ask questions about their personal life.
They might offer you vague answers about what their family life was like when they were kids, or comment about “some guy” at the office without naming names.
You may realize that if you were asked to describe this person’s life in any detail, you wouldn’t be able to do so.
8. They make jokes or mock you when you express anxiety.
If your partner is emotionally unavailable, then you may feel that you have to walk on eggshells around them.
There’s likely no emotional security in your relationship, because they’ve shown you on numerous occasions that they’re only around as long as things are fun and lighthearted.
Should you express anxiety or uncertainty about the status of your relationship or their feelings, they may crack jokes about it or simply dismiss your concerns by insisting that you’re getting worried about nothing. And of course, they’ll then boop your nose or kiss your forehead before walking away.
9. They find reasons to keep you out of their personal space.
If you don’t live together, this person may be eager to spend time with you at your place, or in public spaces like restaurants, clubs, and so on, but you’ve rarely been to their home.
There’s always an excuse as to why you can’t head back to their home, such as needing to clean it before they can have you over, they’re taking care of a pet you’re allergic to, they’re having repair work done on it, and so on.
If you do share a home, they may still create emotional distance by withdrawing into their own space, to which you’re not permitted to go, whenever any conversation makes them uncomfortable.
A person who never allows you into their personal space in either of these ways is one who enjoys your company, but only on their terms and under their control.
Final thoughts…
There may be many reasons why a person is emotionally unavailable, but the core reasons often revolve around stress or trauma.
Some may never be able to drop their shields and let people in, while others may be able to lower their shields bit by bit over time.
It’s up to you to decide whether you’re okay being in a relationship with a person who may never let you “in,” or if you need a level of emotional closeness they may never be able to provide for you. Whilst it’s good to have compassion for them, ultimately you need to make the best choice for your individual needs.
