Who doesn’t love a strategy? I certainly do, especially where peace is involved.
If you’re half of a couple, you’ll know that it takes two to make a relationship a success. If one person is pouring in and the other is slacking, expect anger and resentment, rather than trust and security.
That’s really the foundation I’d love everyone to build: the kind where, when tension is running high, these 9 strategies are what both partners adopt to ease it.
I know none of us is perfect, but I think we could all take a few of these and sprinkle them into our own lives, couldn’t we?
9 peacemaking strategies to use when tensions inevitably run high in a relationship:
1. Don’t compete for who’s right.
We can’t all be right all of the time, can we? The answer you’re looking for is no, yet some people seem to think the opposite is true.
I’m here to remind you that if you are in a relationship, being right shouldn’t trump connection.
If you’re feeling the tension, I don’t think the best idea is to add a dollop of know-it-all on top. It’ll slide right off, like a cherry on a sundae in a heatwave.
Isn’t it nicer to know that you can sit with your spouse and admit that you were wrong, or that you made a mistake? And that equally, somewhere down the line, your spouse is likely to do the same because nobody is perfect.
Easing the tension like this means you don’t turn your conflict into a competition. Instead, you keep it focused on what happened and how you can diffuse the moment.
2. Direct your attention to the problem instead of using it as a chance to attack the other person.
“Well, I wouldn’t be angry if you hadn’t…” “Perhaps if you’d booked the boiler in for a service, it wouldn’t have broken!”
These things may be true, but what does any of this really achieve?
Yelling at someone because you’re angry and attacking them for falling short doesn’t really make the problem go away; in fact, I’d say it adds another!
Look, I get it. Your spouse didn’t book the boiler in. But raging at them isn’t going to solve that. The key is to get an engineer over to fix it, and then have a calm conversation. “We must make sure we get that service booked in before the weather drops next year. Let’s set a reminder.”
Prioritize the problem over laying the blame, and you won’t be adding to it.
3. Leave past mistakes in the past.
Ah, the good old past. We like to go there, don’t we? We revisit it like it’s a place we enjoy and would like to return to.
I don’t.
I hate my past. I would never want to return there in a million years, and that goes for any mistakes I made in that time, too.
Dragging them up is pointless to me, and if you’re smack bang in the middle of a high-tension moment, I’m pretty sure reminding your spouse of something they did wrong 4 years ago will be about as useful as a radiator in a heatwave.
Let’s not do it. Please.
Instead, practice peace by putting the past out to pasture (say it ten times for a tongue twister), and focus on the here and now.
We give ourselves grace by not bringing up our past mistakes, but what if we gave our spouses grace, too, by holding back on raising what used to be?
I think that’s a great place to start if you want peace.
4. Don’t use each other’s vulnerabilities as weapons.
Let’s imagine two couples: Kevin and Stacey and Amy and Cody.
Kevin and Stacey have been together for five years. When Stacey first met Kevin, it was love at first sight, and within two weeks, they were saying, “I love you.” Stacey felt safe around Kevin, and she told him all her fears and insecurities. Kevin promised he’d look after Stacey.
Fast forward a year, and every argument that comes up, Kevin reminds Stacey of all her vulnerabilities. “You really are so sensitive. You said so yourself, remember?”
Tensions do not diffuse here. In fact, Stacey feels even more insecure, and the trust in the relationship has eroded.
Now, Amy and Cody met and took it slow. They got to know each other gradually over time and built trust. They proved they would protect and love each other, and whenever there’s a little tension in the relationship, they leave each other’s vulnerabilities right outside the front door.
Instead, Amy and Cody like to talk about the actual problem, and they resolve any issues before fears or insecurities even get a look in. Trust remains. Emotional safety remains. Tension stands a much better chance of dispersing.
Who is the happier couple?
I think we all know the answer to that.
5. Always remember that you’re a team first and foremost.
You met and wanted to be together for a reason, right?
You’re not two teams, dusting off your thighs, getting ready for the Super Bowl every week. You’re on the same team. You’re supposed to work together.
When problems arise, you’re meant to figure out how to solve them while remaining that united front you both agreed to participate in.
When you think of it like that, when you both keep that common goal to stay on the same side at the forefront of your minds, then all tension can be dispersed as quickly as it arrived.
Always remember: you’re just different people wearing the same shirt.
6. Repair your connections after arguments.
I don’t want to jump in and say that physical intimacy is the best thing for your relationship after you’ve been through a tense time, but intimacy in general is.
Reconnecting, going for a walk, making breakfast together, even playing a board game together! Anything that reminds you that you are both in each other’s lives for a reason is a win, I’d say.
Happy couples do this, and they see tension as a blip rather than a pattern or habit. It’s got to be ‘business as usual’ afterward, so that your reconnection helps you heal rather than stew.
You have to do the work to repair after rupture if you want to stay happy and connected to the person you’re with.
7. Meet in the middle to move forward.
I can’t have it all my way, and you can’t have it all your way, so what’s the only other option? To meet in the middle!
If you’re a fan of middle ground, then I’m with you. It’s so much nicer for both people in a relationship to be somewhat happy rather than for one person to be completely miserable.
That’s what compromise is all about: making sure there are elements that make both people feel seen and heard.
Moving forward, it also means that no party can hold it against the other during future conflicts, because there’s nothing there to use as a weapon.
Seems pretty good to me!
8. Respond to bad moods with curiosity, not more of the same.
We’re all human, and sometimes, our emotions spill over. Take a bad day, for example, or even heavier struggles. Even being tired or hungry will do it (if you know me, you know me…).
You carry that baggage around with you. You carry it into conversations that feel loaded with weight and expectations that you’re struggling to meet right now. It adds another layer to your interactions, and without curiosity and openness, misunderstandings and hurt feelings are inevitable.
“What’s really going on? You’re not usually like this.”
That can be all it takes, and you know, it’s a great way to replace defensiveness with curiosity and find out what’s bubbling away under the surface. Fighting fire with fire never works, after all.
Those who choose peacemaking choose to put their pride to one side, offer their partner a little grace, and explore the bigger picture.
9. Listen without prepping a defense.
*I’m going to nod along, but as soon as I get a chance to hop into this conversation, I’m going to tell them that they started this!*
This speaks volumes. What are you even doing? Your spouse is talking, perhaps, albeit not in a way that you want, and you’re busy preparing your defensive response.
So I’ll ask again: what are you doing?
You’re not listening.
It’s so much more helpful if you at least hear them out and then reply thoughtfully rather than instinctively. I know it’s tempting to defend yourself; really, I do. But it won’t help.
Often, the reason we become defensive is that we think we’re failing or not good enough. If you’re being accused, or feel like you are, then I understand why your nervous system feels threatened, but I implore you, for the sake of your connection:
Listen to understand, not to defend yourself.
Final thoughts…
Happy couples are out there, and they’re happy because they work together to maintain peace.
During times of tension, it’s easy to feel fractured, but actually, if you want peace and you aim for it, peace is what you’ll get. If you both commit to these strategies, you’ll find that no argument gets bigger than your love for each other.
My fingers are crossed for you!
