We each live in two worlds: our immediate world and the wider world. Our immediate worlds are whatever we make them, and are (hopefully) safe and filled with the things and people that we love.
Our wider world is shared with everyone. I share mine with you; you share yours with your neighbor, and so on.
Eventually, our children’s future will shift more and more into that second world, and it can be terrifying to think about what that may consist of. It’s easy to lie awake at night worrying over the what-ifs and maybes, but it’s not helpful (or healthy).
If you find yourself stuck there often, these 7 mindset shifts could help you loosen what you’re feeling and practice a calmer approach toward what’s to come.
7 mindset shifts to help you stop worrying about your children’s future:
1. Remember that your child needs a parent who is present, not someone who is lost in the future.
I’m certain I could’ve been a more present parent to my son when he was younger. I spent a lot of his earlier years worrying, losing sleep, and cancelling plans because I was too tired, and generally fretting about his future.
A few years back, I realized that if I added all that time up, I’d probably get months of my life – and his – back.
Should I punish myself for that now? No. What would be the point? You can’t rewind time no matter how much you wish you could; all you have left is now.
Kids need a parent who is with them in the current time of their life. They grow and change overnight, and they have questions and needs that only you, as their safe space, can address and help them solve.
Whether or not they decide to marry someone in another country and move away from you when they’re 30 is irrelevant because it’s not happening right now.
Let it go. Give yourself a break and give your child a parent who is present.
2. Remind yourself that worrying about their future won’t give you a single ounce more control over it.
It’s not easy to know this, even though you can be told it a thousand times. That doesn’t make the statement any less true, though, so I really need you to think about what it means.
Worrying about anything doesn’t give you any more control over it. You can wonder what job your kids will get, who will hurt them, or how healthy they will be.
But some of the healthiest people on the planet get sick. People fall in love and get their hearts broken every day. People get the urge to travel, and they pack their bags and get on the next plane.
You can’t control any of those things as your kids get older. Sure, when they’re seven, you can stop them flying around the world. But when they’re 19, and they want to spend the summer in Panama, and have the money to do it, you’ve got nothing.
(Ok, technically you could hide their passport and convince them that you have no idea where it is, but I wouldn’t recommend it.)
You cannot control them, and you cannot control what happens to them. As hard as that is to accept, it’s the only sensible choice.
3. Start trusting that your child will develop and learn as they grow, even if you can’t see it now.
When my son was at school, without fail, every time a new year started, he’d look at me and say, “Oh my goodness. Next year I will be in grade (whatever the next grade would be at the time); how will I handle the work? It’ll be so hard!”
I used to raise my eyebrows and say, “That’s over a year away yet! Between now and then, you’ll learn everything you need to learn to prepare you for that. Don’t worry so much about it.”
Yet deep down, I wasn’t really convinced of what I was saying, because I had those same thoughts.
It’s easy to get carried away with time, and it really does fly when they’re young; but rein it in. Just deal with the day. Deal with the week. Deal with the Roman costume you’re asked to whip up with 48 hours’ notice.
Deal with their next school year when it arrives, and trust that they will journey their way there the way they’re supposed to. It might be different from how other kids journey, but different doesn’t mean worse; it just means different.
It’s the same with traits, behaviors, and milestones. They will develop them when they’re ready. Or they won’t, and that’s fine too.
But either way, they aren’t going to be the same person at 6 as they are at 16.
Whatever you do: do not compare. Comparison really is the thief of joy, and I don’t think any of us wants to experience less joy with our child.
4. Shift from “What if something goes wrong?” to “We will deal with whatever happens.”
The things we pay attention to become the focus of our attention. So in this instance, you are constantly asking yourself, “What if something goes wrong?” And guess what? Your brain is now scanning for risks, dangers, worries, and more, everywhere you go!
Shifting it to “You know what? We will deal with it if it happens” is so crucial if you want anxiety to lose its grip on you and start living more in the here and now.
In reality, “What if it all goes wrong?” is just as likely to be “What if it all goes right?” so why do we always default to the former? It’s because our brains want to look after us. They want us on high alert, preparing for peril at every turn.
It’s a survival mechanism that worked well for our caveman ancestors, but it’s not much fun when you’re sitting there trying to play Lego with your kids, is it?
5. Let go of the idea that to be a good parent you must protect them from every potential disappointment or failure.
Kids need to build resilience if they want to find healthy ways to cope when life doesn’t quite go to plan. Because guess what? Life rarely goes to plan.
It’s therefore so important to remember that you’re not there to fix all their problems or remove all obstacles from their path. You should instead focus on encouraging them to think of their own solutions.
Doing so makes children more confident. It fosters a belief in themselves. And like anything, the more you exercise that thought or belief, the more you strengthen it.
None of us get through life without disappointment, but failure is a state of mind. After all, if you’re learning from your mistakes, does it even count as failure?
Resilience is the key to success and happiness. And you’re hardly going to be considered a bad parent for encouraging success and happiness, are you?
6. Remember that you don’t know what your own life chapters will bring, so not knowing your child’s is just as normal.
It’s natural to want to be able to predict each chapter of your children’s lives, but in the grand scheme of things, do you really want to know? How boring would that be, and how would that knowledge change your behavior?
Enjoying life day by day while making regular plans and having aspirations is how we all need to live. Just as you don’t know and can’t predict your own future, you’re unable to do that with your kids, too.
It’s normal to fear uncertainty – but we are all in this together. None of us know what’s coming, and in truth, we’d only really want to know the good stuff anyway, right?
Don’t ruminate; just let the chapters unfold, and deal with whatever they bring as you turn each new page.
7. Realize that the future you fear in your mind is a projection, not a prediction.
Fear has an amazing grip, doesn’t it? It can literally grab you and drag you into imagined futures, before you’ve even realized what’s happening.
But imagined futures are exactly what they are. You aren’t actually fearing your child’s future; you’re fearing your thoughts about their future.
What you’re essentially doing is writing a story that contains all your worst nightmares. But in truth, you don’t know that any of it, let alone all of it, will happen.
I get that as a parent you want to prepare as much as possible, and coming up with what-if scenarios feels like a way to do that, but there are many things that you just can’t prepare for, and you’ll exhaust yourself trying.
Life is full of curveballs, both good and bad. You need to understand that your fears are not predicting your child’s future; they’re projecting your own anxieties onto it.
We can’t allow our mind to have that much power over us, and we shouldn’t let it prevent us from the wonderful experience of parenthood.
It’s also worth saying that no child needs to see your fears on a daily basis. You may think you’re hiding them, but if they’re eating away at you, your children will be seeing it.
It’s time to find a way to let that stuff go, if for no other reason than that you don’t want to pass it on to your child.
Final thoughts…
Having kids can bring out levels of anxiety in a person that they never knew existed. Suddenly you have other people you’re responsible for, and naturally that comes with a healthy dose of worry.
You want to get it right. You want your children to be happy. You don’t want to see them hurt. You want them to live in a safe, happy world.
Despite your best efforts, you cannot guarantee any of those things.
But with these mindset shifts, you can at least start to feel like you’re not constantly treading water. And if you’re still struggling to get control of your thoughts, I would definitely recommend getting support from a licensed therapist.
Having children is a blessing to cherish, and the more present you are, the more you set them up positively for that future you’re so anxious about.
