Every single one of us shows love in a different way.
We have individual, multi-faceted personalities, and that, combined with our past experiences, shapes the way that we show love when in a romantic relationship.
You might be lucky and end up in a relationship with someone who expresses their love in just the same way as you do.
But the law of probability, the fact that opposites often do attract, and the countless number of ways to express one’s love mean you’re more likely to find yourself falling for someone who has a very different idea of what it means to show those feelings to a partner.
That doesn’t mean the relationship is any less valid, and it definitely doesn’t mean it’s doomed to fail.
But it does mean that you will both have to adapt to ensure that you feel secure in each other’s love.
Our default mode as humans is to assume that everyone sees things from the same point of view as we do.
We learn the hard way that that’s very far from being the case.
But it can be particularly tricky to accept that when romance enters the equation.
It can be tough to accept that our partner doesn’t show love the way we might expect them to and to understand the thought processes behind the things they do.
If you’re experiencing problems like this and you don’t feel like you’re getting the love and attention you deserve from your partner, you’ll need to take a double-pronged approach to things.
On the one hand, reaching a place where you feel more loved in the relationship will involve letting your partner know the things that you need to feel wanted (and them being willing to make those changes for you).
On the other, you’ll need to accept them for who they are, and accept their way of expressing their feelings.
Let’s start with the most important aspect, which is you adjusting your expectations, without lowering your standards, and then move on to look at ways you can help them to give you what you crave.
It’s all about compromise, but if you truly love each other, you should both be willing to make the effort.
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6 Ways To Feel More Loved By Changing Your Perspective
Let’s consider a few ways you can manage your expectations and look at things in a different light, to help you appreciate all the things your partner does do to show you they love you.
1. Accept that your way of showing love is always going to be different to theirs.
The first step is always acceptance.
You need to accept the fact that the two of you are never going to have exactly the same ideas about how to express love for one another and stop trying to fight it.
The sooner you do, the happier you’ll be!
2. Think carefully about all the things they do for you.
You might be very verbal when it comes to expressing love, but they might be more about physical affection.
Try to put yourself in their shoes for a minute and consider all the things they do for you and the way they are around you.
How do they show their affection for you?
What do they do for you without you having to ask?
What little things do you think are their way of letting you know they love you, different as they might be to the way that you show it?
3. Focus on these things whenever you’re feeling unloved.
Then, whenever you’re feeling unloved or unwanted because they’re not doing the things that, in your book, count as a display of love, bring your mind back to all the little things they do for you, and all their personal ways of showing you how important you are to them.
Don’t let yourself get too focused on your concept of what it means to express love. Shift your focus onto theirs instead.
4. Show yourself some love.
When we’re in a romantic relationship, we often put far too much pressure on it.
Suddenly, our happiness and self-esteem can depend entirely on whether or not one particular person loves us.
And that’s not healthy.
They should, of course, be an important part of your life. But they shouldn’t be the sole center of it.
And you need to have other things going on that make you feel needed and fulfilled.
Spend some more time with the other people that love and want you, like your family and your very best friends.
And, focus on loving yourself a little more.
Distance yourself from the negative self-talk and start treating yourself with the same care and respect as you do your partner.
Only then can you boost your self-worth and start feeling confident in your partner’s love for you, rather than in need of constant validation.
5. Accept that adjusting your expectations will be a slow process.
You need to be clear that none of this is going to happen overnight.
You’ll try your best, but sometimes you’ll struggle to see things from their point of view.
Patience is key when it comes to love, but if you’re really determined to make things work, you’ll get there, little by little.
6. Adjust your expectations, don’t lower them.
It’s important to underline that adjusting your expectations when it comes to how your partner demonstrates their love for you should actually mean adjusting, and not lowering.
Even if your partner shows their love in a totally different way to you, they should still be showing it somehow.
You deserve real love.
And you deserve respect, and to feel valued.
If you’re consistently feeling totally unloved and unwanted, despite having made an effort to see things from their point of view, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Turn to a good friend whose judgement you trust and ask them for their honest opinion or speak to your therapist about the relationship.
Verbalizing your feelings about your partner and what it is they do or don’t do to make you feel loved could really help you to get some clarity on things.
4 Ways To Help Your Partner To Make You Feel More Wanted
At the same time as working on your perceptions of what constitutes love and trying to see it through your partner’s eyes, it’s important to ask them, respectfully and honestly, to do their fair share of the work.
You’re never going to change fundamental aspects of their character, and nor should you want to, but you might be able to help them see and understand your needs.
You never know, it might turn out that they, too, sometimes feel unloved and unwanted as a result of your behavior toward them. You’d be surprised.
If the two of you really want things to work, you’ll both be willing to put the effort in and compromise a little.
1. Have an honest, calm conversation.
You need to sit down with them at a good time, when neither of you is stressed or distracted, and let them know what’s been bothering you.
Let them know, in gentle terms and without throwing it in their face, that you’ve been feeling a bit unwanted, and need some reassurance that you’re truly important to them.
2. Let them know what they already do well.
If you focus entirely on the negatives and claim that there’s absolutely nothing they do that makes you feel loved, it’s not going to make them feel great.
Imagine if they came to you and told you that you make them feel consistently unwanted.
How would you feel?
You’d probably feel pretty guilty, and maybe even more than a bit resentful, and not particularly willing to work on things.
So, before your chat, think about all the little things that they do right.
Let them know these things, so that you don’t make them feel like a terrible person, and they know that they’ve got a foundation to build on.
3. Explain the things that would make you feel most loved.
Are there certain things that you’d absolutely love them to do to let you know how much they love you?
Is there something that’s really important that they do for you to make you feel wanted?
Do you love surprises? Would you treasure the tiniest, cheapest of presents that let you know they were thinking about you?
Do you need lots of physical contact?
There might be some things that they just won’t feel comfortable with, and there are some things that you’ll never change about them, but there are some things they might be able to start doing differently.
For example, if they aren’t someone who likes to say ‘I love you’ on a daily basis, that’s unlikely to change any time soon.
That needs to come from them.
Remember, just because they don’t say it all the time, doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.
4. Be patient.
As mentioned above, this process is all about patience.
You can’t expect your partner to change the way they are around you in the blink of an eye.
If you do, you’ll only be disappointed.
You need to have patience, and accept the fact that, even if they’re trying their best to put some of the things you’ve mentioned into practice, it probably won’t come naturally to them.
So they’ll forget and they’ll get it wrong. A lot.
And, although they might make progress in some areas, they will almost definitely never start behaving exactly how you’d like them to.
On top of that, people naturally change as time passes and relationships evolve, and you never know how that might affect the way they show their love for you.
With an effort on your part to adapt your expectations and not pin your happiness entirely on your partner, and an effort on their part to show you how they feel about you, and a healthy dose of patience, your relationship can flourish, with both of you feeling loved, wanted, and ready to take on the world together.
Still not sure what to do about a partner who doesn’t make you feel wanted? This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. But Relationship Hero can guide the way and help you achieve the best outcome. Through regular sessions with a dedicated relationship expert (by yourself and/or as a couple), you’ll learn precisely how to create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship—one that can last a lifetime. Learn more about Relationship Hero and get the kind of tactical relationship advice and ongoing support you need.
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