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If you’re in love with a married man, you’re probably experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions right now.
Some of the time, you just can’t help but feel blissfully happy, because you’ve fallen in love.
But then you come crashing back down to reality and remember he’s married, and that it’s a very, very complicated situation.
And it’s made even more frustrating by the fact that you never set out to meet or fall in love with someone who’s already married.
You’ve just found yourself in this situation, and now you don’t know what to do.
Of course, no relationship between two people is ever quite the same as any other.
The relationship you have with this man and the relationship he has with his wife are both unique, and hard for anyone on the outside to understand, so it’s tough to give generic advice in situations like these.
But there are a few hard truths that you probably need to hear, whatever the circumstances you’re in.
After all, your current situation isn’t sustainable. I think we can all agree on that.
And if you’re reading this, you’re on the hunt for answers.
You’ve probably been given all the right advice by your friends and family (if you’ve told them), but it can sometimes be much easier to hear these things from a stranger than from someone you’re close to.
Something’s got to change, and it’s not going to be an easy ride.
Listen, this is a no-judgement zone – you didn’t intend to fall in love with a married man, but we can’t control our hearts. So what follows is not designed to make you feel bad about what happened, even if it does hit hard at times.
With that in mind, here is our advice on how you can take positive action and move forwards with your life.
1. You need to consider whether you can really trust him.
If a man that’s in a monogamous marriage is having an affair, there’s inevitably a lot of lying going on, so you already know he’s capable of deceit.
Did that lying extend to you? Did you know that he was married from the moment you met him, or did he lie to you about it?
The fact he’s lying to his wife is a red flag, but if he was trying to pull the wool over your eyes, then you need to accept that he’s definitely untrustworthy.
If he were to ever leave his wife for you, you have no guarantee that he wouldn’t do the same thing to you a few years down the line.
2. You might not be the first.
If he doesn’t seem to have any real intention of leaving his wife for you, you might not be the first ‘other woman.’
Or even the only other woman, although that would involve some serious organizational skills on his part. After all, it’s tough enough squeezing two relationships into a week.
No matter how special he makes you feel or how in love with this married man you are, you can never really know whether you’re just one in a long line.
3. You shouldn’t be sitting around waiting.
Think about your relationship with this man so far. I wouldn’t mind betting that it’s involved an awful lot of you waiting around for him.
You stay in, just in case he texts to say he’s managed to sneak away. You wait for him when he’s late for dates because he couldn’t find an excuse to leave.
You’re frittering your time away waiting for him to call, when you could be out there living.
4. You’re not his first priority.
No matter how much he might try to convince you otherwise, if you’re the other woman, you’re not number one on his priority list. His wife is, and, if he has children, they are.
5. The way he talks about his wife can tell you a lot.
Is he respectful when he talks about his wife? If not, how can you believe that he really and truly respects you, either?
6. He’s probably not going to leave his wife.
Very few married men actually end up leaving their wives for their lovers, and the chances are that you’re not the exception that proves the rule.
Divorce is a very big deal, and there are lots of things that will keep him in a marriage, no matter how unhappy he claims to be in it.
Don’t believe his words, when his actions are all that really count here. When you’re in love with a married man, this can be hard to remember – but you must.
7. You’re probably enjoying the thrill of it, just a little.
This might be a hard one to admit to yourself, but this is a risky relationship, and that can be pretty sexy.
You need to acknowledge that there might be part of you that’s getting a kick out of the idea of having an affair. And that’s definitely the case on his part.
This might not be true for you at all, but if it is, remember that if he were to leave his wife, all that risk would fall away.
Your relationship would most likely change beyond all recognition, and you’d have to deal with the challenges of him getting over his divorce.
You’d suddenly start living the mundane day-to-day together, rather than just snatched moments of passion, and suddenly he might not seem so appealing.
8. If there are kids involved, you’re playing with fire.
If the married man you’re in love with has kids with his wife, you’ve got yourself into an incredibly complex situation.
If he were to leave his wife for you, that would seriously affect his relationship with his kids.
If they know that their dad left their mum for you, they’re not likely to warm to you, which would create some serious friction between you and him.
9. His marital problems aren’t all down to her.
Sure, he might have married someone with whom he’s just fatally incompatible. But if not, the problems in his marriage aren’t all down to her.
He may well have issues, or a certain approach to serious relationships that could cause problems between the two of you further down the line too.
Don’t kid yourself that it would be different with you.
10. You’re temporary.
It’s tough to accept this, but no matter how passionate he is toward you now and how much it might seem like he loves you, it’s only a matter of time before you start becoming a complication, and he gets tired of you.
Stealing time to be together is sexy to start off with, but it soon becomes difficult.
An affair is time-consuming and a logistical nightmare, and once the excitement of the initial stage of your relationship has worn off, he’ll soon get tired of it.
3 Ways To Move Forward From The Affair
I’m sure some of that was hard to read, but you probably needed to hear it.
And now, you need to look to the future and figure out what you’re going to do.
Though you may be in love with this married man right now, there are ways to get yourself out of this situation.
1. Dump him.
I know, I know. This is a very simplistic approach, and I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times already, especially from your best friends and all the people that love you… if you’ve even told them.
But you need to consider extremely carefully whether this relationship is providing you with anything positive at all, or whether it’s time to cut the cord entirely.
Above all, be kind to yourself, and make sure you acknowledge when a relationship with a married man starts causing you harm.
2. Date other men.
If you can’t quite bring yourself to break up with him, then at least open up your options.
Go on dates with other men. Flirt with that hot guy at work. Try online dating. You’re totally free to see other people.
After all, the two of you aren’t exclusive. He’s still sleeping with his wife, no matter what he might claim.
Seeing other guys can remind you that there are plenty more fish in the sea, so that when it does, almost inevitably, end, you won’t be crying into your ice cream, convinced you’ll never find anyone else.
3. Put things on hold.
If this married man has told you that he’s going to leave his wife for you, then great. I’d be surprised if it actually happens, but hey, who am I to judge your personal circumstances.
But don’t keep seeing him and sleeping with him in the meantime, whilst he keeps finding excuses to not do it today, this week, this month, or even this year.
Tell him that you don’t think you should keep seeing each other romantically until he’s ended things with his wife.
It will soon become clear whether he actually has any intention of leaving, or whether it’s time for you to move on.
Still not sure what to do about your feelings and/or the relationship you’re having with this married man? It’s not an easy situation to be in and it might be all the more difficult if you don’t have someone to talk to. Even if you do, they may not be neutral. That’s where a relationship counselor can come in and be the ear to listen to you and the voice to offer well-considered advice. Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure out what the future holds for your relationship. Simply click here to get the advice you need.
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