If you’re reading this, you’ve probably got a first date on the horizon.
Maybe you’ve set a day and time for it, or maybe you’ve just been talking to this person constantly, and you know that it won’t be long before you take the next step.
You know you shouldn’t be telling them your entire life story over text before you actually meet, but you’re struggling to stick to that.
You’ve come to the right place.
Here’s your guide to why you shouldn’t be texting too much and how much is too much.
It’ll also walk you through what you should be trying to get out of the texts exchanged before the two of you meet.
And, last but not least, we’ll look at how to deal with the situation if the other person clearly doesn’t share your feelings about saving up your conversations for the date. Without being stand-offish or rude and risking putting them off, of course.
Why shouldn’t you text too much before the first date?
You’ve just met someone new, whether online or in a more ‘traditional’ way. You’ve started texting and are sparking off them.
In these situations, it can be very tempting to spend all day every day chatting to them… before you’ve even met them face to face.
There’s normally a certain amount of ‘getting to know you’ chat before you agree to meet up, and that’s important.
After all, time is a precious commodity these days and you want to be sure there’s potential there before you commit to a date.
But the trick is to not let that chat get out of hand.
That’s because a first date should be all about getting to know each other. It should be two people asking each other questions and uncovering things they don’t know about each other.
A first date should be full of revelations and maybe even unexpected surprises.
But if you’ve texted too much before the date, then you’ll have already asked each other the standard introductory questions before you ever meet face to face.
And that might make asking the same questions again a little awkward. Even if the answers you got over text were probably far less detailed and insightful than the ones you’d get in person.
Too much texting before a date can mean you end up with a lot of unnecessary awkward silences because you don’t vibe off each other naturally and you just don’t have any questions left to ask.
The other danger with texting too much before you meet is that not everyone is entirely themselves over text. They might have a completely different personality via text to the one they do in real life.
So, texting a lot first can mean you start developing feelings for a version of this person that doesn’t exist in the real world. And it can be really disappointing when you figure that out.
How much texting is too much?
It’s very hard to put your finger on when texting before a first date goes too far.
After all, it’s normal to want to find out a little about someone before you go on a date with them.
When it comes down to it, you’re the one who has to decide where the line is.
But, essentially, if you start getting into detailed conversations that you know would be better expressed in person, then leave them for your date.
Texting is fine for the basics about where you’re from, what you do, and what your interests are.
It can be good for making you both feel more at ease when you actually meet because you already know something about each other.
It can also give you some handy prompts for in-person conversation starters.
But if you find yourself getting deep or telling each other your life stories, it’s time to call a halt.
Topics to avoid talking about when texting before a first date.
There are a few topics that are definite no-goes for pre-first date texting.
Here are some of the topics you should keep an eye out for. Avoid bringing them up yourself and, if they bring something up, do your best to shut it down politely.
Your exes, their exes – this is tricky territory on a first date too, although you might mention how long you’ve been single for and how long your relationships have lasted in the past. Just make sure you’re not swapping details about the exes themselves.
Your families – if you haven’t met yet, they don’t need to know what your mum’s called or why you don’t get on with your cousins.
Your hopes and dreams – you want them to see the light in your eyes the first time you tell them about your big plans for the future.
Your bad day – moaning to them about your demanding boss or annoying friend probably won’t make the best impression.
What should you be talking about before a first date?
As mentioned above, it’s fine to use texting to find out the basics about someone to give you an idea of whether you could be compatible.
But the main goal of the texts you exchange should be to discuss the date on which you can actually get to know each other properly.
You shouldn’t leave it too long before discussing when and where you’re going to meet.
If you can, try to make the date sooner rather than later.
That’s because the longer you have to wait, the more likely you are to over-text, or for the conversation between you to drop off completely.
Once you’ve decided when you’re meeting, the odd text is great for building anticipation and excitement.
Funny memes or random observations are good for stopping the messages going completely cold and conveying a bit of your personality and sense of humor without texting too much.
You might well end up needing to text to let them know you’re running late or if one of you needs to rearrange.
In fact, texting to confirm the date earlier on the same day can be a good idea, just in case they’ve forgotten or lost track of time.
How to keep conversation to a good level without putting them off.
One of the issues with this can be if the person you’re texting clearly doesn’t share your feelings about the pitfalls of pre-date texting.
If they’re initiating longer conversations or starting to ask deeper questions, how can you discourage over-texting before the first date without making them feel like they’re being palmed off?
Here are a few quick tips.
1. Reply with short but friendly messages.
The messages you exchange with this person before the date shouldn’t be long and rambling.
If they ask you questions, try to make your answers simple, brief, and warm, without sounding dismissive.
2. Don’t ask leading questions.
No matter how keen you are to find out all about this person, save your curiosity for the date.
Don’t ask them questions that you know will lead to a long response, or anything that you know would be better to ask in person.
3. Be honest.
If they ask you a particular question about you or your life that you think would be better discussed on your date but you don’t want to fob them off, then the best tactic is just to be honest.
Let them know that you’re looking forward to telling them all about it, but it’s a long story that’s definitely better told in person.
If they persist with texting, then there’s always the option of explaining to them that you’re always cautious about getting to know someone over text because you don’t think your true self really shines through when you write.
That should reassure them that you’re looking forward to the date and you’re keen to get to know them properly.
4. Make the date sooner rather than later.
Hitting the right balance between not texting too much and letting things fizzle out before you even meet is a tough one.
So, the best solution is to make sure you meet ASAP. Don’t be tempted to play it cool and pretend your diary is all booked up for the next two weeks.
If you’re both free then get something booked in, even if it’s just a quick hour over a cup of coffee. It doesn’t have to be the perfect setting for a first date.
That first meeting is essential to break the ice and establish a rapport you can build on, both through text and, hopefully, on all the dates to come.
You may also like:
- 20 Questions To Ask On A First Date That Aren’t Boring!
- 18 Important First Date Tips After Meeting Someone Online
- When And What To Text After A First Date
- 16 Real Signs Your First Date Went Well: How To Know For Sure
- How To Ask A Guy Out Over Text (+ 12 Sample Texts)