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You may have heard of monogamy, but what about serial monogamy?
Are you a serial monogamist? Are you dating one?
You might want to read on to find out.
If you know of, or are the type of person who has a string of serious relationships, with little or no break in-between, and have a disdain for dating, then you have yourself a serial monogamist.
They aren’t the type of person to ‘take time to work on themselves’ in between relationships, and you won’t find them living up the single life and dating around.
It might sound serious but being a serial monogamist isn’t a bad thing; it’s just a different attitude toward pursuing a relationship.
A serial monogamist is looking for a long-lasting, committed relationship, some might even go as far as to call them serial romantics in their constant quest to find ‘the one.’
But this attitude toward dating does come with a few drawbacks that it’s worth being aware of.
Understanding whether this need to be in a relationship comes from a healthy, romantic place, or is fuelled from a need for security and control is one the main issues with serial monogamy.
Constantly putting pressure on yourself to find your ‘happily ever after’ can be draining, especially if your relationships don’t seem to work out as you planned.
And forever being in a relationship with someone else leaves little time to really get to know yourself and understand what it is you should be looking for in your perfect partner.
Keep reading if you think you are or could be dating a serial monogamist to find out everything you need to know.
5 key signs of a serial monogamist:
To spot if you or someone else is a serial monogamist, here are the most obvious signs to look for:
– They enter into new relationship easily without hesitation or really considering how compatible they are with the other person.
– They hate dating, which kind of links into the previous point because once they are in a relationship, they don’t have to bother going on tiresome dates.
– They hate being alone. They feel lonely by themselves and don’t like to be single for long because it’s torturous for them.
– They are idealists who see every new relationship as having the potential to be their forever relationship.
– They have had multiple long-term committed relationships.
The pros of dating a serial monogamist:
1. This isn’t a whirlwind romance.
If you’re dating a serial monogamist, be prepared to have things move quickly, but don’t confuse that with a whirlwind romance.
Things may get serious in a heartbeat, but they are in this for the long haul and will expect you to be too.
They’ll be thinking about the big questions such as are you the right person to have a family with, can they see themselves marrying you?
They want this to work out long term, so you can feel secure in the knowledge that you’ve got the time to make sure you’re compatible and can really imagine a future together.
But if you’re just in the market for a casual, no strings attached fling, then this is the wrong relationship for you.
2. They might have had fewer sexual partners than you.
Chances are, if you’re dating a serial monogamist, they’ve probably slept with fewer people than you.
This is no reflection on you, but we’re talking about a person here who jumps from one long-term, committed relationship to the next.
The key thing to remember is that fewer sexual partners does not mean bad in bed.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Sexual pleasure is about quality not quantity. If you’re dating a serial monogamist, the chances are they’re pretty great in bed because they’ve had the time to really get to know what works.
They might be more likely to try out different kinks and want to spend time getting to know what you like.
Don’t feel shy about having more sexual partners than them if this is the case; everyone’s dating history is different and it’s not something you should be judged on.
3. No, it doesn’t mean you have to marry them.
Just because you’re with someone who has a history of long-term relationships, it doesn’t mean they’ll be dragging you down the aisle next week.
They’re in this to find ‘the one,’ and they know as well as anyone that that doesn’t happen overnight. Just because they don’t date around, doesn’t mean they want to get married right away any more than you do.
Yes, they’ll be thinking about their future with you, but if you’re both committed to this relationship, then that’s nothing to be scared of.
They’ll know better than most that, even with the best will in the world, sometimes things just don’t work out and there is no sense in rushing into anything.
Just take the opportunity to enjoy getting to know each other and feel happy that you’re currently in a secure, committed relationship.
4. You’ll have to take the good with the bad.
Being in a relationship with a serial monogamist means you are committed 100%. They’ll be there for you in the good times and the bad times and they’ll expect the same of you.
There’s no jumping ship or going AWOL if either of you are having a bad day. You are expected to share all the highs and stay strong through all the lows, being their confidant, counselor, and cheerleader all at once.
It might sound like a lot of pressure, but remember, you’ll also benefit from having someone who is equally committed and invested in you.
Relationships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows; they take perseverance and hard work to keep them flourishing.
Having a relationship with a serial monogamist is preparing you for the realities of spending your life with just one person. It might not always be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
5. You have to communicate.
You’re dating a practiced relationship-doer. They know what they want and they aren’t here to mess around with you.
They don’t have time for “oh sorry I haven’t messaged back for a few days, I was busy,” and they’re not interested in someone flaky.
Equally, they aren’t going to stand for you holding up an emotional barrier against them and shutting them out. You’re going to have to be open, honest, and communicative all from the get go.
They’ll be entering into this relationship with you as an open book and will expect you to do the same. Shutting down communication is not an option with a serial monogamist.
If you hit a rough patch, they’re going to want to dive head first into the problem and work through it together to make sure this relationship works.
Effective communication is something many couples struggle with and it takes practice to be able to achieve it with your partner. Having someone who encourages you to be open with your feelings and not just run away at the first hurdle is hard to find and worth keeping hold of.
The cons of dating a serial monogamist:
1. You’re going to hear about their ex.
It’s more than likely that their exes will crop up in conversation, and if you have a tendency to compare yourself or get jealous then you should run for the hills.
It doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t over their ex, but when you’re dating a serial monogamist, the majority of their adult life will have been spent in long term relationships.
This means that most of their bigger life experiences, funny anecdotes, and past stories were likely shared with an ex.
They won’t be comparing you, and they might not even realize how much they mention them. But if hearing your partner talk about an ex about is something that affects your own self-esteem, then a serial monogamist is not the right person for you to be dating.
2. You can’t go flirting with others.
If you’re in a happy, committed relationship, then heavy flirting with other people isn’t something that you should really be doing. But the odd, fun, harmless flirt isn’t usually a big problem.
It is however, when you’re dating a serial monogamist. Innocent or not, they don’t want to see you flirting or anyone else flirting with you. You are theirs and they’re not prepared to share.
Flirting with multiple people is not in their remit. For them, relationships are all or nothing and with only one person at a time, and this can extend to being openly flirtatious with other people, even as a joke or with other friends.
If you’re flirtatious and affectionate with people by nature, then being with a serial monogamist might not be the best pairing for you. You could end up feeling controlled or stifled by them and their expectations too much to live up to.
3. Cheating is an instant deal breaker.
If you’ve ended up cheating on your partner, then there are some issues there that suggest it maybe wasn’t the right relationship for you and it could be better to part ways anyway.
But if you’ve cheated on a serial monogamist, then there is no going back. There won’t be a second chance or trial period to work on your issues. In their eyes you’ve broken the one cardinal rule of the relationship.
A serial monogamist is loyal to a fault; they only have eyes for you in this relationship and would expect the same back.
If they’re with you, they aren’t considering anyone else. They’re looking for happily ever after. They definitely won’t be on board with the idea of dating or showing interest in more than one person at a time.
We all make mistakes, and sometimes these mistakes can work out for the best in the long run by helping us realize that we weren’t all that compatible with someone after all.
But if it’s a mistake that you regret, you’ve realized what you could loose, and you genuinely want to give things another go, and if your partner is willing to forgive you, it can lead to a happy reunion.
You definitely won’t have that chance with a serial monogamist.
4. They like to be in control.
It might be because they feel more confident and comfortable in a relationship than you, or perhaps it’s because they feel like they already know what they want out of it.
Either way, if you’re dating a serial monogamist, the chances are that they’re going to wear the trousers in this relationship.
Because they’re looking for something committed, they’re more likely to be the one pushing your relationship to the next step; affirming that you’re exclusive early on and labeling things quickly.
They’ll be discussing your future plans, making decisions, and molding the relationship to fit the vision they have in their head of where they see it going.
If you’re less used to serious relationships, you might feel as though they are pushing you into making big decisions and commitments too quickly.
If you want to take things at a slower pace, they could misinterpret this as a sign that you aren’t as committed to them and take offence, making you feel guilty and your relationship even more difficult to navigate.
Careful that you aren’t forced to make any decisions too fast that you aren’t comfortable with. It’s nice to be with someone who wants to make things work, but it’s not going to last if you feel trapped with no room to make your own choices.
5. They’re very co-dependent.
Entering into a relationship with a serial monogamist, you have to remember that this is someone who does not like being on their own.
They jump from long-term relationship to long-term relationship; they aren’t interested in finding out what makes them tick as an individual.
If you’re more the type of person who takes time in-between relationships to work on yourself, have always been very independent, or been single for a while, then being with someone who is so co-dependent could be a shock to the system.
You’ll both have to compromise if you want to make the relationship work, but it’s how much you’re each willing to compromise that the success of your relationship will depend on.
Advice for the serial monogamist.
If you’re reading this and it’s sounding all too familiar, then you might be a serial monogamist and not even know it.
The dating world is tough and we know you just want to find your perfect match. So, here are some things to keep in mind to help you find ‘the one.’
1. Are you really in love?
Are you really in love or are you just caught up in the idea of being in love with someone?
When you’re always on the hunt for ‘the one’ and desperate for your happily ever after, you can find yourself ignoring the red flags telling you that this relationship isn’t it and sticking around hoping things will get better.
You can’t manufacture love, and the more you try, the more unfulfilling a relationship becomes.
Trust that you will find what you are looking for eventually, but have the courage to let go of a relationship if it’s not the right one for you.
2. Get to know yourself.
Loving yourself might sounds like a cliché, but it’s the basis of a happy relationship.
Have you ever sat down to decide what you like doing on your own? What you like eating or watching, without the input of someone else?
By spending some quality time with yours truly, you can open up a whole world of possibilities. You might find out things about yourself you never realized you cared about and a confidence in being authentically you.
Jumping from one relationship to another might seem like the answer when you’re feeling lonely or sad. But embracing some time on your own can help you understand more about yourself and in turn the type of person you should be looking for to spend the rest of your life with.
3. Try to deal with your emotional baggage.
Let’s be honest now, who doesn’t have some emotional baggage?
But when you jump from one relationship to the next, there’s going to be a build up of unresolved feelings and difficult memories.
When you don’t have a break to process your past relationship, it’s going to be hard to not take these emotions, fears, and skepticisms with you into your next.
But it’s not just about past relationships, have you ever stopped to think why you pursue ‘the one’ like you do?
Are you just excited to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, or is there an underlying force that’s driving you to be this way?
It could be a traumatic relationship in your past that has made you determined to find someone else, or a difficult family background that has made you want to find the love and security you’ve always felt was missing.
Identifying what drives you to seek out relationships will help you realize if you’re doing it for the right reasons and ultimately, whether or not they are going to succeed.
No one, no matter how great they seem, will be able to fill an emotional hole that only you can fix. Unless you start being honest with yourself about your intentions, you’ll keep finding yourself back at square one.
4. Are you over your last relationship?
It’s often said that the best way to get over someone is to get with someone else.
And, sure, it works for a quick fix because it’s a nice distraction from the pain and loss of a breakup.
But it won’t really make anything better.
Everyone needs time to process a breakup. It’s painful, but you’re never fully over someone until you’ve properly grieved the ending of your time together.
Being the cure for the pain and hurt of a breakup is a lot of pressure to put on any new relationship, and no new partner wants to be compared to your ex.
As difficult as it is, taking time to be on your own, to grieve everything you wanted your last relationship to be, is the only way you can truly move on and find a healthy, happy, and successful relationship next time.
5. Take time to evaluate past relationships.
Taking the time to think about the cause of your last relationship breakdown is important to stop the same issues happening again and understand what sort of partner you are really looking for.
By taking a short break before diving in with someone new, you can think about all the parts of your past relationship that made you feel both good and bad. You can work out how you want to be treated going forward and what it is you value in a partner.
This time for reflection also gives you an opportunity to own up to yourself about anything you would have done differently. If you head straight into another serious, long-term relationship, you could end up making all the same mistakes again.
There’s nothing wrong with being or dating a serial monogamist. We all approach relationships in different ways and want different things from them.
A serial monogamist feels more comfortable than most within the boundary of a relationship and values a sense of commitment to a partner that many people would appreciate.
However, if you’ve lived your life trying to make relationships work, then it can be hard to really know yourself and what makes you happy as an individual. To be in a healthy, successful relationship, you shouldn’t be looking for someone to complete you; you should be finding something who brings out the best in you.
If you’re dating a serial monogamist, then make sure you communicate how you’re feeling and what you need from them to be happy in your relationship. Keep an open dialogue about how you’re both feeling, whether you need a little more independence, or if things are getting too serious too fast.
Whether you’re a serial monogamist or not, don’t give up on your journey to find your perfect match.
Have some questions about being or dating a serial monogamist? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help give you the answers you need to make your relationship a success. Simply click here to chat.
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