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Everyone wants to feel like their partner finds them attractive, no matter how long they have been together.
There’s more to a relationship than just how physically attracted you are to each other, but you still want to feel that your partner desires you for your physical attributes as much as they do for any other reason.
You might be in a new relationship and worrying about whether your partner feels the same way as you, or maybe you’re scared that your partner will leave you for someone else because you’ve stopped putting as much effort into your appearance.
Whatever has triggered your fear about no longer being attractive to your partner, what can you do to change how you feel?
A lot depends on when your lack of self-confidence started. Have you always felt this way or has something changed to make you question how much your partner wants you?
When trying to feel better about yourself, it’s important that you do it for your own sake primarily, not to make your partner love you more. You deserve to feel great in your own skin, and it’s good to get your self-esteem back so you can be the happy, confident person you should be.
If you want to feel good about yourself again and more attractive to your partner, keep reading for some ideas to try to help get your mojo back.
1. Consider how you rate “attractiveness.”
To understand why you don’t feel you’re attractive to your partner anymore, you need to understand what you consider attractive in the first place.
What or who is it you’re comparing yourself to that makes you feel as though you are less in some way? After all, everybody is unique, so you’re never going to find someone quite like you.
Do you judge attractiveness by age or ability? Whatever it is, the bar that you’re setting for yourself and failing to reach is something that lives in your own head and is under your control.
“Attractiveness” is just an emotional reaction to someone and is often manipulated by what we’ve been told is considered “attractive” by others around us. There is no rule of what is and is not attractive, it’s all a matter of perspective, so think about your perspective and how you can shift it to be kinder to yourself.
2. Find out what’s triggered you.
Did you find that you could no longer fit into an old pair of jeans? Did you notice a couple more gray hairs?
Did someone say something rude to you about how you look? Has this made you question how other people see you, including your partner?
Think about when you started feeling so negative about yourself and what it was that triggered you into feeling that way. Whatever it was, it doesn’t deserve the time and power you’re giving it to allow it to have such a negative effect on your state of mind.
Don’t let one thing change everything you think and feel about yourself. Once you know where this dip in self-confidence started, you’ll realize how insignificant it is compared to everything else that makes you who you are and what you bring to your relationship.
3. Consider whether it is your partner who is making you feel this way.
Is the reason you’re feeling unattractive due to something your partner has said or done?
Perhaps they made a personal comment or just haven’t been complimenting you as much as they used to.
Firstly, you need to figure out if they are simply oblivious to the way they’ve made you feel. If you think they genuinely didn’t mean to upset you by something they did or said, then it’s worth having a conversation with them about how you’re feeling so that they know not to do it again. Tell them if you’re not feeling secure or loved in your relationship and give them the opportunity to make a difference.
If they are deliberately attacking your self-esteem as a way of manipulating and controlling you, then this isn’t someone you should want to be with. No one should be made to feel bad about themselves, least of all by someone who is meant to bring out the best in them. If they aren’t showing how much they appreciate you just as you are, then they don’t deserve to be with you at all.
4. Spice up your sex life.
How’s your sex life been recently? Have things cooled down between you and your partner and that’s what made you wonder if their feelings have changed toward you?
It could be that your body has changed and you’re feeling self-conscious about the way you look. Even if nothing is different, but you and your partner just haven’t been having as much sex recently, you could be taking this as a lack of interest on their part and blaming yourself.
Rather than there being a problem, it’s more likely that you’re just going through a dry patch which could have been brought on for any number of reasons and has nothing to do with how attractive you are.
If you’re still worried about your sex life, start prioritizing how you feel about yourself. You’ll soon find that you feel more in the mood to spice things up again. Set aside some time to spend with your partner again–go on a romantic date, have a short trip away together, and make time for each other to connect emotionally and physically.
5. Stop putting your partner on a pedestal.
Do you think your partner is more attractive than you?
Are you worried that people look at you both and wonder why someone like them is with someone like you and that your partner will one day think the same and leave?
If this is the case for you, then you need to stop putting your partner on such a pedestal. However attractive you find them, they are only human. They are lucky to have someone who cares about them as much as you do and should feel grateful for it, no matter what either of you look like.
Remember that they have chosen to be with you. Even if you do think they’re more attractive than you, they wouldn’t be with you if they didn’t find you attractive too. You think they could get anyone they wanted, but they’re with the person they want and it’s you, so stop worrying about it and enjoy it.
6. Reframe the way you see yourself.
Over time, physical changes you’ve noticed in yourself could be making you feel less attractive than you once did. You’ve started to wonder if your partner is still in love with you like they once were.
You might have had to recover from an illness or had children, or just changed your habits, which has meant that the body you have now isn’t the one you had when your relationship started.
Rather than think negatively of yourself because you aren’t who you used to be, or the size or fitness level you once were, reframe how you see yourself and try to be kinder.
If you’ve struggled to overcome an illness or injury, don’t see yourself as unattractive because you can’t do certain things. Instead, celebrate your bravery and your willpower in overcoming obstacles. Be proud of the relationship you and your partner have cultivated.
If you’ve had children and your body has changed, don’t think badly of yourself because you look different. See your body for how incredible it is to have carried and brought your children into the world. If anything, you should be even more celebrated and valued by your partner for giving them a beautiful family.
Think of your achievements, not what you think you lack. Stop comparing yourself to you “before” and reframe the way you see yourself and what it means to be “attractive” now.
7. Accept getting older.
Everyone changes over time. We can’t remain the person we were when we were years younger, and you shouldn’t want to.
Aging might mean looking older, but it also means that you and your partner have shared years of memories and grown together into people who are even more comfortable and secure with each other than you were when you first met.
They are aging just as much as you are, and it’s a natural progression for everyone. Your relationship can’t have much of a foundation to it if you think that the way you look is more important to your partner than everything you’ve shared—if this is the case, then you deserve so much more.
8. Stop comparing yourself to others.
We are all individuals, which makes it impossible for you to fairly compare yourself to someone else.
You might rate someone as more attractive than you, but you might also have a different body shape, hair color, or lifestyle, which means you could never look or act the way they do even if you wanted to.
It’s an exercise that is guaranteed to make you feel bad about yourself, because there will always be something someone else has that you don’t. Life isn’t a competition of who has more or looks better. If you were to stop worrying so much about other people, you might appreciate everything you have to offer instead.
You may be worried that your partner will leave you for someone you think is more attractive than you. But ultimately they chose to be with you because they can see everything special you have that you can’t see in yourself.
9. Address your own happiness.
How are you feeling about yourself at the moment?
If you’re feeling “unattractive,” it could be down to something happening in your life right now that’s causing you worry or stress. If you can address that, you can identify how to view yourself in a more positive light.
If you’re feeling stuck in a rut, or as if you never have any time for yourself because you’re sacrificing your time for family or work, you’re not giving yourself the love and self-care you need to feel good.
This is your reminder to spend some time looking after yourself. You can’t be at your best for your partner if you’re not feeling your best in yourself, so it’s time to prioritize finding something that makes you feel happy too.
Everyone wants to feel as though they are good at something; it boosts your confidence and makes you feel better in all areas of your life.
Find a hobby that you enjoy and are good at. Make time to do something just for you that you love, and you’ll see the change in your work and relationship because of it.
10. Let go of your past relationships.
After experiencing a bad breakup where an ex has been hurtful or cheated on you, it can be difficult not to bring these fears into a new one.
If you think your partner finds you unattractive, think about whether it’s actually something they’ve done or said to make you feel this way. Or, are you projecting your own fears onto them after being treated badly by someone from your past?
Your partner may have done or said something that triggered a memory of your ex and a way they made you feel unattractive. But rather than imagine that your partner feels the same way as your ex, just talk to them about it. They are a different person to who your ex was and may not have the same thoughts or intentions to make you feel how you do now.
Don’t assume that everyone will treat you the same way. You have to give your relationship a chance if you want it to work by leaving your old relationships in the past where they belong.
We really do recommend that you seek professional help from one of the therapists at BetterHelp.com as professional therapy can be highly effective in helping you to address your worries that you are not attractive to your partner.
11. Let go of your expectations.
Did you go into a relationship expecting it to be a wild, passionate, and romantic whirlwind with a partner you can’t keep your hands off?
Did you grow up influenced by relationships showing the “perfect” couples who love each other to the point of obsession?
The relationships we see in fiction are the sum of someone’s imagination of what a perfect relationship might look like. There is a reason why they’re fictional, and that’s because these types of relationships aren’t real life. The normal, everyday majority of a relationship isn’t the stuff of romance.
If you’re comparing your relationship to something you imagined or read in the latest trashy holiday novel, then you’re comparing it to something that doesn’t exist. Even the best couples with the greatest real-life relationships don’t have it perfect all the time, and you need to cut yourself and your partner some slack.
It’s ok to talk to your partner if you need more from them to reassure you about how they feel. But don’t start thinking that your partner must have stopped finding you attractive just because your relationship doesn’t look like something out of a Disney movie. Be realistic with your expectations of what this relationship looks like, and stop worrying that it’s not enough and instead enjoy it for what it is.
12. Stop setting yourself unrealistic beauty standards.
If you feel as though your partner no longer finds you attractive, then there must be some measure you’re placing yourself up against and falling short of.
Who are you comparing yourself to when you judge yourself as being unattractive on behalf of your partner? If it’s people on social media or a celebrity, then you’re already setting yourself up to fail.
Comparing yourself to social media is pitting yourself against unrealistic standards of beauty. Not only are influencers and celebrities likely to be photoshopped and filtered in their images, making them into the perfect version of themselves digitally, they most likely have more time and resources than you to invest in making themselves look a certain way.
Think about the person you’re comparing yourself to. If you’re short and curvy, comparing how you look to a young, tall, lean model is no comparison at all because your bodies are entirely different.
Don’t become so obsessed with someone else’s life that you start pushing yours into their shadow.
Your partner has chosen to be with you, not some unobtainable character on social media or on TV. Stop measuring yourself against unrealistic standards and wasting your energy thinking about everything you’re not. Embrace where you stand in real life, and put your effort back into making the most of the here and now.
13. Take time for some self-care.
When life gets busy or stressful, we can forget to look after ourselves. Prioritizing simple indulgences falls off our to-do list when it feels like there’s always something else more important to do.
But self-care isn’t just important, it’s vital. If you’re worrying that your partner doesn’t find you attractive any more, it’s most likely less to do with their attention and more to do with you not dedicating enough time to yourself.
If you stop showing yourself self-love, your self-confidence will start to plummet. If you’re feeling frazzled and overtired, and you never feel as though there’s any time to look after yourself, that’s when you’re going to feel at your worst and worry that other people will see you the same way as you feel.
Before you panic that your partner no longer finds you attractive, start by paying more attention to yourself. Prioritize your day to have a little bit of time dedicated solely to you.
Go and get your hair done, put on an outfit that makes you feel great, or see your friends for some fun. You’ll notice how quickly you start to feel more like yourself, and you’ll be ready to reconnect with your relationship in no time.
14. Reconnect with your partner.
Worrying that your partner is finding you less attractive than they used to could be down to the simple fact that you haven’t spent enough time with them lately.
If you live together and have busy lives, it’s easy to mistake being around each other for spending quality time together. Your relationship might just need some TLC to help you both reconnect and remember why you’re in love again.
Even if life is hectic, schedule in some one-on-one time with your spouse. Make a plan to do something you both enjoy, away from the daily chores of life. Take some time away and just focus on enjoying each other’s company with no other distractions.
Sharing quality time will help you reconnect and feel the love that’s there between you that you might be worried was fading. Having fun together and just being a couple will allow you both to focus on making each other feel secure in your relationship and reassure each other of how you feel.
15. Talk to your partner.
If you’re worrying about your relationship and what your partner thinks of you, the best and easiest way to handle it is to just talk to them.
If you’re starting to think that your partner is finding you less attractive, then have a serious, adult conversation about it. There’s no need to shy away from the subject, or accuse them of not doing more to make you feel better.
A relationship should be a safe space where you both feel comfortable expressing how you feel so you can keep working on making each other happy and your partnership strong.
Tell them that you’re worried they don’t feel how they used to and why you think that is. They may have no idea you felt that way and need to be told how they could make you feel more secure. It could be as simple as asking them to say “I love you” a bit more often or just be more verbal with their compliments.
Often a simple change can make all the difference, but your partner can’t help or make you feel better if they don’t know that they’re doing something wrong. So be brave, be honest, and be open with your emotions so you can work together to find a way to move on.
16. Be willing to work on yourself.
This might not have been the first time you’ve felt this way about yourself and struggled with your self-confidence. If you have previously been in a position where you’ve worried about keeping your partner’s interest or have felt negatively about the way you look, then it’s become a pattern you need to address.
If you’ve spoken to your partner about it and they’re doing all they can to reassure you, then it’s on you to begin working on changing the way you perceive yourself.
There’s only so much your partner can do to make you feel loved, attractive, and secure with them. If you’re still going to refuse to believe them when they tell you they find you attractive, then the way you see yourself is never going to change.
Start believing that—despite what you think—in your partner’s eyes, you are attractive. You have to be prepared to accept that they want to be with you if that’s what they’re showing you. Let them love you as much as they want to, and stop putting pressure on them to do more to reassure you when it’s you that needs to start reassuring yourself.
17. Allow your partner some space.
So your partner hasn’t complimented you in a while or paid you as much attention lately, but what makes you so sure this has anything to do with you?
Why are you questioning if it’s something about you they don’t like, worrying they no longer find you attractive, rather than considering that something could be going on in their life that’s causing them to isolate themselves?
Your partner is allowed to have an off day once in a while, as are you. They could be preoccupied or stressed and just need time to focus their energy on themselves.
Rather than expecting more from them, try to find a way to support them and do what you can to alleviate their stress.
If you were going through a similar patch, you would expect them to do the same. In a partnership, you’re there to support each other, so think about what it is you can do to help them get back to a more positive place in their mind. That way, they can start giving back to your relationship once again.
18. Consider whether this is the right relationship for you.
If you’ve never felt attractive to your partner and secure in your relationship, then you should be questioning if this is really the right relationship for you.
Does your partner have habits that play with your self-confidence? Perhaps they flirt a lot with other people when they’re out, even though they tell you it’s harmless. Maybe you’ve been cheated on by them before and although you’ve forgiven them, you can’t shake the feeling that they could catch the eye of someone else. It could be that they have never been very emotionally expressive and don’t think to tell you that they love you or that you look good and give you the confidence boost you need.
In all these scenarios, your partner is impacting the way you feel about yourself in a negative way. They’re causing you to feel worried and unsettled about where you stand in your relationship, but more importantly, about how you see yourself.
You should be with someone who makes you feel special and loved. Don’t stay in a relationship if you feel as though you have to earn someone’s attention or affection. You should know how your partner feels about you without having to ask, and they should be showing you every day how lucky they are to be with you.
You should be in a relationship where you bring out the best in your partner and they do the same for you.
If your partner isn’t paying attention to you, then they aren’t doing their part to make you feel loved and confident in how you look and feel. If you have only ever questioned how attractive you are with one partner, then you need to think about whether this lack of self-confidence is really down to them. Will you ever feel good enough if you stay in a relationship with them?
19. Take your power back.
Your self-confidence and self-esteem are things you have the ultimate power to control. You might get a knock once in a while from something someone says, or as you realize you don’t look the same as you once did. However, you have the power to lift yourself up and choose not to think negatively about yourself. Instead, embrace all the positive, unique things that make you who you are.
You have the choice to think differently about yourself and not get caught up worrying about how other people see you. Your partner should be attracted to you for so much more than just your looks. The most beautiful person in the world can still be ugly because they have a bad attitude; whereas, you can fall in love with anyone if they have a good heart that shines through.
Be kinder to yourself and stop worrying about what your partner—or anyone else—thinks of you. If your partner didn’t want to be with you, they wouldn’t be. If they don’t want to be, then you’re better off without them because they don’t fully appreciate the person you are.
Focus on yourself and how to feel confident without the validation of other people. Once you can do that, no one can ever bring you down.
Still not sure how to feel attractive to your partner? Talking to someone can really help you to handle whatever life throws at you. It’s a great way to get your thoughts and your worries out of your head so you can work through them.
We really recommend you speak to a therapist rather than a friend or family member. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours. They can help you to explore why you don’t feel attractive right now and provide advice to change those feelings to something more positive.
A good place to get professional help is the website BetterHelp.com – here, you’ll be able to connect with a therapist via phone, video, or instant message.
While you may try to work through this yourself, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can address. And if it is affecting your mental well-being, relationships, or life in general, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through and do their best to overcome issues that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, therapy is 100% the best way forward.
Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started.
You’ve already taken the first step just by searching for and reading this article. The worst thing you can do right now is nothing. The best thing is to speak to a therapist. The next best thing is to implement everything you’ve learned in this article by yourself. The choice is yours.
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