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Feeling desired by your partner is an important part of being in a healthy relationship. However, you’ve started to feel that your relationship is one-sided.
You are much more invested, and your partner no longer initiates romance and intimacy. They’ve pulled back and suddenly seem disinterested in spending time with you. They don’t really listen to you when you talk, and maybe they’re even attracted to other people.
These are some of the signs that your partner doesn’t want you like they once did. As scary as this seems, it’s actually very common, especially in long-term relationships.
We’ll look at some possible causes for this situation, and you can learn what to do about it.
10 Possible Reasons Why You Feel Unwanted By Your Partner
Before confronting your partner and dealing with the issue, it’s important to understand what may have caused it. Identifying the cause of the problem could make it much easier for you to find a way to fix it.
Read through the following reasons why your partner may not want to be with you anymore, and figure out which ones apply to your situation before proceeding.
1. You’re feeling insecure, jealous, or lonely.
Maybe, just maybe, you’re imagining this whole thing. This shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself; it should actually make you glad. If it’s all in your head, then your partner still wants you.
You might feel like they don’t want you anymore because of your insecurities. Maybe you believe that you’re not good enough for them to want you.
Perhaps you have body image issues, or you simply don’t love yourself the way you should.
Maybe you’re jealous of the attention your partner gives to other people of their preferred gender.
If your partner started paying more attention to someone else, you could feel unwanted because of it.
On the other hand, you could simply feel lonely in a relationship, or in general. Your partner doesn’t give you as much time as you’d like them to give you, so you feel unwanted by them.
2. You’re unhappy in the relationship.
Maybe it’s not about you. Instead, the two of you started to feel unhappy in the relationship. Granted, maybe just one of you feels this way. But, if one of you is unhappy, it’s hardly possible for the other to be happy.
You don’t laugh as you did before, you don’t have fun, and you don’t go on dates or spend quality time together. Maybe you’ve started fighting more often, and there’s a lot of drama and tension.
If things have gotten worse in your relationship, it’s only natural that you don’t feel desired by your partner.
They’ve started to pull back and seem disinterested in you and your relationship. Maybe you were happy before, but things have changed, and you can sense it. You don’t make each other happy anymore, and this is a big issue that you can’t ignore.
Maybe your unhappiness is instead related to some current issue that you’re dealing with.
Perhaps you’re still happy with each other; you’re just not happy with some aspects of your relationship.
This will be easier to fix by addressing the issues that are causing you to feel this way.
3. Things have gotten boring in the relationship.
Monogamy can sometimes be followed by monotony. People get bored, especially in long-term relationships.
When the honeymoon phase passes, you could fall into a rut and miss the excitement that you felt before. Every day starts looking like the one before, and you’re having the same boring conversations and doing the same old activities.
Things could get repetitive in the bedroom too. When sex becomes a routine and more like a job than a pleasure, the relationship is in serious trouble.
It takes effort to keep things fresh and exciting. You both need to try to keep your relationship interesting by trying new things and engaging in fun activities.
4. You and your partner are sexually or romantically incompatible.
Sometimes, people simply aren’t a good match. You could care deeply about each other but be too incompatible to make it work. This doesn’t just mean that you’re too different. You could have a lot of things in common and still be incompatible. It’s something that’s hard to fix, because you can’t really identify the problem.
Maybe there are no problems, but something simply doesn’t feel right. There’s no easy fix for this. However, if you’re both determined to make it work, you can.
Keep in mind that you might never be a match made in heaven. Ultimately, when people care about each other, they sometimes have to accept certain things.
You might never become one of those couples who are a perfect match. However, you can make your relationship work and be happy.
5. You have unresolved issues from the past.
There’s another possible cause that’s much more about you than about your partner. Is feeling unwanted in a relationship new to you, or have you felt this way before?
Everyone knows that one’s previous relationships can seriously impact their current relationships.
Maybe you felt unwanted by all your past partners at some point in the relationship. Perhaps your previous partner betrayed you and left you with trust issues and insecurities. Maybe you’ve noticed the same behavior with your current partner that made you feel unwanted by your previous partner.
It might not even be about your past relationships. The unresolved issues from your past might even date back to your childhood. The roots of a lot of the problems that we face as adults actually stem from our relationship with our parents.
Articles like these are very helpful for a lot of things. But, when it comes to past traumas, you’re not going to find a solution in an article. You’ll need to talk to a therapist who’ll learn about your specific situation and help you deal with your past trauma.
6. Your partner is under a lot of stress.
There might be no cause for alarm. If your partner has been under a lot of stress lately, it’s probably why they neglected to give you the attention that you crave. Maybe they are under a lot of pressure at work, or their family member was diagnosed with a serious illness.
If your partner is distracted by their own issues, they can’t focus on you as much as you’d like. Maybe they’re making you feel unwanted simply because they’re mentally or even physically exhausted.
What has been going on in their life lately? They might have a perfectly understandable explanation for having less time for you and being distracted.
How long have you been feeling undesired by them? Did it happen at the same time as they lost a job or got a new promotion?
If something recently changed in their life, the solution to your problem might simply be giving them some time to sort things out.
7. Your partner has mental health issues.
Depression and anxiety aren’t to be taken lightly. They make a person act and feel differently than they normally would. Your partner might be struggling with some mental health issues that are causing them to treat you differently.
Mental health issues can also cause a low libido, which might be the reason for your problems. If your partner is struggling with depression or anxiety, be patient with them. Encourage them to seek help and talk to a therapist who can help them overcome this.
8. Your partner is insecure.
Just as this might be all about your insecurities, it could be about theirs instead. Your partner might have body image issues or other insecurities that make them feel like they’re not good enough.
Maybe they avoid sexual intimacy because they’re not feeling positive about their own body. However, insecurities aren’t only about physical appearance. Your partner could have self-esteem issues. They could lack the confidence it takes to make you feel wanted.
In the end, your partner might not feel wanted by you, so they don’t make you feel wanted in return. Even if you’re showing them that you consider them desirable, they might find it hard to believe you.
When a person doesn’t consider themselves desirable, it’s hard to believe that anyone else does. Encourage your partner to deal with these issues with the help of a skilled therapist.
9. Your partner is cheating on you.
Unfortunately, the thing you fear the most might be true. Your partner could be neglecting you because they’re cheating on you. However, they may not have technically cheated yet…
They might simply be attracted to other people, which in turn makes you feel unwanted. Maybe they give special attention to someone in particular. This means that they could be having an emotional affair.
Catching feelings for someone else without acting on them isn’t technically cheating. But it’s still, in a way, unfaithful.
Your partner might not be acting on their feelings by sleeping with this person. However, they are cheating by spending more time with them and giving them special attention – the kind of attention that they should be giving to you.
10. Your partner is no longer interested in the relationship.
Another cause that you’re probably fearing is that your partner has simply checked out of the relationship. They might have lost interest in the relationship to the point that they’ve already broken up with you in their head. However, it might not be that bad.
Maybe they’re less interested in the relationship because the honeymoon phase has passed and things have become boring. Perhaps it’s because you’ve been fighting a lot lately.
You can focus on your issues and make your relationship work again. However, your partner needs to want it to work too. If they don’t, they should at least be honest with you and end things instead of hurting you.
16 Things You Can Do If You Feel Unwanted, Unloved, And Undesirable
We really do recommend that you seek professional help from one of the experts at Relationship Hero as counseling can be highly effective in helping couples and individuals to improve their relationship or reach the relationship outcome that is best for them.
Everything is not lost. In fact, your problem might not even be as big as you think, even though it might seem that way.
Your partner probably still cares about you, and they’ll want you again. If they don’t care, it’s better that you find out sooner rather than later anyway.
Here’s what you can do when you feel like your partner doesn’t want you anymore:
1. Look within.
You’ve already read about the possible causes that are more about you than about your partner. So, it’s time for a little introspection:
- Do you generally feel insecure in relationships?
- Do you struggle with anxiety?
- Do you set walls around yourself or have no boundaries whatsoever?
- Are you overly jealous?
- Have you been feeling lonely?
Consider whether the feeling of being unwanted actually comes from your own insecurities.
Think about other possible issues that you might have that are making you feel this way.
Do you feel good in your own skin, or are you ashamed of your body? This is a serious question that you should answer as honestly as possible.
If you don’t love yourself or your body, do something about it. You should take action even if that’s not what’s currently causing a problem in your relationship.
Learn to love yourself and accept your body. Work on improving yourself both inside and out, and it will become much easier to feel good in your own skin.
If you don’t feel desired in general – not just by your partner – it’s something that you have to address. A therapist can help you with that, but you’ll need to do the heavy lifting.
2. Think about your past.
Is what you’re feeling new to you, or have you experienced it already in your past relationships? This is another important question that you need to ask yourself.
Does this feeling usually happen after the honeymoon phase passes?
Do you feel unwanted when your partner stops being the person who can’t keep their hands off you?
Think about your past relationships. Consider how those experiences might be related to what you’re experiencing now.
Don’t stop there. Think back to your childhood. Maybe you always try to save people, even when they don’t want to be saved. You give them everything so that they will love you back. This is probably about the love that you should have had but didn’t get as a child.
If your past is causing you problems in the present, don’t ignore it. Talk to a skilled therapist who could get to the root of the problem and help you get over your past traumas.
3. Consider what happened recently.
When did this problem start, and what happened when it did? Have you gone through a major change or a big milestone in your relationship?
Maybe you recently had a baby. Your partner is now focused on the baby, while you were their primary focus before. This could be why you’re feeling unwanted. Most parents experience problems in their relationship after a baby arrives. They become stressed and exhausted, and even unsatisfied with their relationship.
Maybe you haven’t had a baby, but you’re stressed out because of some other big change in your relationship. Perhaps you just need some time to adjust to the new circumstances and become less anxious.
Feeling unwanted in a relationship often isn’t a permanent problem. Your partner might simply be preoccupied with other things at the moment.
4. Think about what’s going on in your partner’s life.
Has your partner recently lost their job or got a promotion? Have their family or friends experienced some major issues? If something important and all-consuming is going on in their life right now, that might be all there is to it.
Your partner can’t focus on making you feel special because they are under a lot of stress. They have a lot of responsibilities or worries that are leaving them with less time and energy to focus on you.
Try to be patient with them and let them sort things out so that they can go back to making you feel desired. Support them and be there for them if they are going through something difficult. If they are struggling with mental health issues, encourage them to talk to a therapist.
5. Consider things from your partner’s point of view.
Maybe you can’t think of anything big that’s happening in your partner’s life right now. But, try to put yourself in their shoes. There doesn’t have to be anything major going on for them to be occupied with other things or to feel stressed out.
We often project our personal issues onto our relationships. We let our negative imagination fool us into thinking that there’s something wrong when there really isn’t. So, take a moment to try to see things from your partner’s point of view.
Are they even aware that you’re feeling unwanted? How would they react if you told them that? Can you anticipate what sort of explanations they would give you? Is their life hectic right now? Do they still treat you with kindness, affection, and love? Think about these things before talking to them.
6. Check for signs of toxicity.
Maybe your partner’s behavior is toxic instead. Are they manipulative, narcissistic, or disloyal? Do they stonewall or gaslight you? Are you feeling unloved and unheard, not just unwanted? Do they abuse you in a verbal, emotional, or even physical way?
While it’s easy to spot physical abuse, emotional abuse is harder to identify, especially if you’ve experienced it before.
Were you emotionally abused as a child? If so, you might have become numb and unable to defend yourself, so it’s hard for you to even identify abuse.
Learn more about the signs of toxicity in a relationship to see if your partner’s behavior is toxic. If it is, it’s probably best to take some distance from them and talk to a therapist about your issues.
7. Understand which specific actions make you feel unwanted.
What exactly does your partner do to make you feel like they don’t want you anymore? Take some time to think about this question.
Maybe they are unavailable, emotionally distant, or preoccupied with something else. Is this happening due to circumstances that neither of you can control?
Are they instead knowingly making you feel unwanted? For instance, maybe they are always distracted when you talk to them. They look at their phone, or their eyes wander around the room, searching for something more interesting. Maybe they instead look at other women or men.
Try to describe what exactly makes you feel unwanted in as much detail and as precisely as possible. This will help you in solving the problem and talking to them about it.
8. Don’t blame yourself.
When it comes to relationship problems, we tend to overthink things and drive ourselves crazy. Overthinking it could lead to blaming yourself for everything and thinking poorly of yourself.
Relationship problems are rarely only one person’s fault, if ever. Don’t forget that it takes two to tango. Don’t make yourself feel bad about this.
Both of you have likely contributed to the way things are now. It’s either that, or it’s a matter of circumstances that are out of your control.
You can’t put all the blame on your partner, but you can’t take all the blame either. Don’t let your negative thoughts consume you and make you think badly about yourself.
9. Don’t let it damage your self-esteem and confidence.
Feeling unwanted can seriously harm your self-esteem and confidence. It could plant seeds of self-doubt that could grow into negative thoughts about yourself. You could start thinking that you’re not good enough or even worthy of love. You might believe that you did something to push your partner away.
In the end, you might feel that there’s something seriously wrong with you that’s making you unlovable.
None of these things are true, so stop yourself from overthinking. You can do this by focusing on other things that are going on in your life, outside of your love life.
Do more things that make you happy, dedicate your time to your hobbies, or throw yourself into your career. Focus on self-improvement and work on being the kind of person that you want to be. Don’t just do this so that your partner will want you; do it for yourself, to make you happy.
10. Talk to your partner about it.
Finally, we get to the most important part of dealing with feeling undesired by your partner. Talk to them about it. Healthy communication can easily solve most relationship problems.
Make sure that your mind isn’t fooling you into thinking that you’re unwanted in the relationship. If it’s not about your negative imagination, sit down with your partner and have a serious talk. Let them know how their behavior makes you feel and which actions make you feel undesired. Remind them that you love them and want to make things work.
You might be surprised. Your partner might be entirely unaware of the impact that their actions are having on you and how serious it is. They might shine some light on the subject and help you see things from their point of view.
Fixing the problem in your relationship might be as easy as having an honest conversation with your partner.
11. Consider couples counseling.
When you can’t solve the problem on your own, remember that there are people who are trained to help you with that.
As long as you and your partner are willing to work on your relationship, you definitely can make it work. You might just need a bit of guidance from someone who is experienced with the issues that you’re facing.
Remember: where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Couples often consider counseling as the last resort and turn to it years after first experiencing the problem. This is a mistake. The longer you wait to solve the problem, the harder it will be to solve it, even with outside help.
So, don’t be afraid to ask for help as soon as the problem gets out of hand.
A good place to get couples counseling is Relationship Hero – here, you’ll be able to connect with a relationship therapist via phone, video, or instant message.
Yes, you might be able to work through this yourself, but it might also be a bigger issue than self-help can address. And if it has reached a point where you feel unhappy or are having serious doubts about the relationship, the issue needs to be resolved now.
Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero offer, and the process of getting started.
12. Go on dates and spend quality time together.
Maybe the spark is gone from your relationship, but it can be reignited. You can still reconnect; it might just take a little effort.
You might be feeling this way because your partner has stopped initiating things. However, they shouldn’t be the ones who initiate things every time anyway.
Take charge and schedule dates and quality time together.
Make a rule that you’re not going to get distracted by your phones or other things while you’re on a date.
Discover fun new things that you could do together too. Maybe you could start a hobby related to your common interests. Whatever you do, don’t be afraid of trying new things and being a little adventurous.
You should have fun in a relationship, but the fun isn’t going to happen on its own. Find fun activities that you can do together, and find the time to joke around and laugh.
13. Try new things in the bedroom.
Maybe monotony found its way to your bedroom too. After a while together, this happens to many couples.
When you’re still in the honeymoon phase, everything is new and exciting. Once it becomes too familiar, you can’t just wait for things to happen on their own anymore.
You can still have a passionate, exciting, and fulfilling sex life, but you’ll need to make that happen.
Be proactive in the bedroom; initiate sex and take charge. Experiment with new things that you’re comfortable with trying.
Make sure to take care of your appearance. Put effort into looking sexy for your partner like you did when you were dating. Wear something hot and strip for them. Light some candles and create a romantic atmosphere before sexy time.
Just make sure to put effort into keeping your sex life exciting, and you’ll never get bored in the bedroom.
14. Give it some time.
Be patient. Big changes usually don’t happen overnight, especially positive ones. If your partner has been acting uninterested or distant for a while now, it will take time for them to change. Notice the efforts that they make, even if they are small. Appreciate and applaud their efforts. Encourage them to keep improving.
The truth is, your partner probably cares about your feelings, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be with you. So, be patient with them and pay attention to signs of progress.
If they are currently going through something, give them time to deal with it. The important thing is that they are willing to work on things and that they’re trying—give them your full support and encouragement. However, if they’re not willing or even trying to work on the relationship, consider ending things.
15. Consider ending the relationship.
If you have tried all these things, talked to your partner, and concluded that they don’t want you anymore, it might be time to call it quits.
You need to take care of yourself, and you deserve to feel desired in a relationship. The people in your life who don’t want you shouldn’t get the chance to have you.
Know when it’s time to leave if the relationship isn’t working anymore. Don’t feel bad about yourself if your partner doesn’t want you anymore. You did nothing to deserve that, and they did want you before, so nothing changed but their feeling for you. That’s on them.
16. Talk to a therapist.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether you want to stay with your partner or end things, talk to someone about it.
Your friends and family can give you their support and advice, but they aren’t trained to help you. A therapist is. They could assist you in finding more ways to reconnect with your partner based on your specific circumstances. They could also help you move on from a relationship that is no longer working for you.
Don’t be afraid to seek support, because there are people out there who know how to help you. You just have to reach out to them.
Again, we’d recommend the experts at Relationship Hero for this. They can provide the guidance you need to reach the best outcome for you, whatever that may be.
Click here to learn more or to speak to someone now.
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