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Are you worried that your boyfriend isn’t interested in having sex with you anymore?
It’s been a while since he’s made a move on you, and now you’re beginning to wonder if he doesn’t like you in the way he did before or if he’s found someone else.
And is there something wrong with your relationship if you’re not having sex that often?
Firstly, if you’re comparing yourself to other relationships you know of or how often you think you should be having sex, then stop. There is no “normal” standard for how much sex you should be having, and comparing yourself or having unrealistic expectations will only set your relationship up to fail.
Secondly, do you feel your situation is worse because your boyfriend is not initiating sex? If so, don’t fall into the trap of toxic, sexist expectations vs. reality. Society generally has a one-sided view in terms of which gender should initiate sex. This expectation has made it more difficult for men who might not want to have sex for a legitimate reason.
Even so, you’re still worried that maybe your relationship is heading down the wrong path, and you want to know why your boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in the physical side of things anymore.
What can you do to keep the physical spark alive in your relationship and make sure that he still likes you in that way?
Read on for some reasons why your boyfriend might be less interested than usual in having sex, and find some tips to help you navigate this tricky relationship phase.
Why won’t my boyfriend have sex with me?
1. He’s stressed.
None of us are ourselves when we’re stressed. The worst thing about it is that sometimes we don’t even realize we are stressed until we start experiencing problems.
Stress is so much more than being busy at work or having too much to do, and it’s a distraction that is constantly playing on your mind, worrying you, or keeping you in a state of perpetual anxiety.
We know that stress can affect our bodies in several ways, from giving us headaches and stomach aches to preventing us from sleeping. It’s not unrealistic that it can also affect your boyfriend’s libido.
Try to recognize if he’s been acting differently and if he has reason to be stressed or anxious. If your family dynamic has changed recently, maybe with the addition of a new member, give him a little more slack and try to support him as much as you can (though be sure the support doesn’t only go one way).
Stress can become dangerous to our health if we let it overwhelm us. If the situation continues, it’s worth having a serious conversation with him to identify some coping mechanisms he might use to deal with how he’s feeling.
You might need to set some boundaries to stop him from bringing work home with him or decide no phones in the bedroom to encourage him to take back some control over his personal time.
Until then, make sure he knows you’re there for him and try to make the most of the moments when he does switch off and you can have some quality time together.
2. He’s not getting enough sleep.
Just like stress, sleep deprivation can cause a whole range of physical and mental symptoms that a lot of us don’t take seriously.
It could be work-related, family-related, or because of over-socializing that you or your partner aren’t getting enough shut-eye. Sometimes going to bed late or getting up early can’t be helped, and it can impact how often you’re able to make time for each other in the bedroom.
If you’re overtired and getting enough sleep is a rarity, the last thing you want to do is prolong bedtime by staying awake for sex, however good it is. Ultimately sex takes energy, and if you don’t have any, it will not be enjoyable for either of you.
Depending on the circumstances, you may not have as active of a sex life as you want to right now, but the important thing is to take the opportunity whenever you can and capitalize on an early night.
3. He’s overcompensating.
Masturbating is nothing that we should be shocked at or shouldn’t expect of our partners. Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong if your boyfriend wants to have some time to himself.
The fact that he may watch porn or masturbate is no reflection on your relationship or sex life, and you should be at liberty to do the same if that’s what you want. It’s only an issue if he’s doing it a little too much and not saving himself for time with you.
Sex with your partner is a bonding experience. As fun or raunchy as you make it, it’s still an important opportunity for you both to reaffirm the physical and emotional relationship you have as a couple.
You could suggest watching porn together, if that’s something you’re both into, and make it a collective experience rather than him going off by himself. Otherwise, you might just need to have a conversation to remind him that the real thing with you needs to be a priority too.
4. You’re picking an inopportune time.
We can’t always help when we’re turned on, and our libido won’t always match up with our partner’s.
But if your boyfriend has turned you down a couple of times, think about your timing.
Was he preoccupied with something? Maybe finishing off some work or getting into a really good movie. Was he feeling his best, or was he overtired or perhaps even had a bit too much to drink?
It might not be that he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Maybe you’re just not picking the best time to initiate it. Even if you’re in bed together, expecting him to want to have sex with you when he’s already half asleep is setting yourself up to fail.
Gauge his mood first before you put yourself out there. Try to put yourself in his position and be understanding of the circumstance if he’s preparing for a busy day and needs an early night or has somewhere to be and can’t concentrate on anything else.
Great sex can be spontaneous and fun, but it’s about being in the right mindset first, so try to be more aware of your partner and his activities and not just focus on your sex drive.
5. You’ve got unresolved issues.
How have things been in your relationship recently? Have you been arguing more or not communicating in the most effective way?
If there are unresolved issues or tension between you, it will affect your sex life. Neither of you will be in the mood if you’re irritated or angry at each other.
Your boyfriend might be upset about something you don’t even realize you’ve said or done. If he’s been acting distant lately, or you feel like you’ve been snapping or arguing more than usual, it’s worth checking in with him to see how he’s feeling about it all.
Make sure any minor disagreements have been resolved, and you’ve apologized and talked things through where you need to. Once you’ve done that and know that your relationship is back in a happy place, you just might notice your boyfriend has a more positive attitude towards your sex life too.
6. Your relationship dynamic isn’t sexy.
Relationships change over time as you get used to knowing each other so intimately. That excitement and exploration of those first months of dating will gradually morph into something more solid, comfortable, and sometimes, less sexy.
If you get bogged down in house chores or running around after family, your interaction with your boyfriend can become less romantic and more transactional.
Some couples fall into the parent/child dynamic where one of you naturally takes control and looks after the other the same way a parent would a child. If this is taken too far, it could ruin your sex life as you start seeing each other as either someone to manage or a parent-like figure.
We aren’t meant to have this dynamic with our partner. You should be equals in your relationship, and getting this balance right is what will keep your sex life healthy.
Check that your expectations are realistic and you aren’t setting the bar too high. If you’re constantly nagging or finding yourself disappointed in something he’s done, it’s going to be difficult for the both of you to cope with the pressure you’re putting on your relationship.
You’re supposed to be together because life is better that way. No one wants to sleep with someone who’s constantly nagging them or telling them off like a child. Try not to let minor issues dampen your sexual chemistry and make sure you’re giving your partner the respect they deserve as an equal.
7. It’s biological.
He may not consciously choose not to have sex with you. Instead, something biological could be affecting his libido.
As men get older, they experience a drop in testosterone, affecting their performance in the bedroom. It’s completely normal and might be something you just have to adjust to in your relationship.
But a significant change in your boyfriend’s behavior might also be a sign that something isn’t working quite as it should internally, and it would be worth him having a check-up at the doctor.
At the very least, a doctor may be able to reassure you both that everything is working just fine, and you can try some other ways to spice up your sex life. But if either of you are worried, it’s worth checking in with a professional sooner rather than later.
8. He needs a lifestyle change.
We’ve all heard that men can find it more difficult to “get it up” when they’re drunk, but did you know that smoking, drugs, and even weight can affect their sexual performance too?
What’s your boyfriend’s diet like? Is he overweight? Underweight? Does he drink regularly? If so, is it more than most people?
It might not be an easy conversation to have with your partner if you think they have some negative lifestyle traits. But they may not realize how destructive their habits are, not only to their own body but to your relationship too.
Try encouraging more positive lifestyle decisions. You can support your boyfriend in this by trying out a better diet together or introducing more exercise into your quality time. You might have to be the one to suggest passing up that bottle of wine in favor of a soft drink at dinner.
A positive lifestyle change will improve not just his physical health but his mental health too. When we’re feeling better in ourselves, it radiates into all aspects of our lives and will start making a positive difference to your sex life too.
What can I do about it?
1. Set the scene.
Do you set the scene for sex, or do you just expect it to happen?
If you haven’t had much action with your boyfriend in a while, there’s no harm in lighting a few candles and putting on a sexy outfit ready for when he gets home.
Being in a more romantic setting, even if it’s still at home, could be just what you need to capture your boyfriend’s attention again.
If you’ve been together a while, date nights might seem like a thing of the past, but they shouldn’t be. It’s hard not to feel more romantic if you’re out together, doing something fun and dressed to impress. Even if it’s dinner at home, there’s nothing to stop you from making an effort to dress up to make the evening more memorable.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. Taking time to make an effort for each other and prioritize quality time is always worthwhile. This could be the reminder your boyfriend needs to hurry up and get you back in the bedroom again.
2. Don’t wait for him to make the first move.
If you’re lying there annoyed or worried that your boyfriend hasn’t initiated sex, what’s stopping you from taking control of the situation?
When was the last time you made the first move, or do you always expect him to do it?
If you want to have sex with your boyfriend, let him know it. There could be the chance that he’s up for it, and you just haven’t asked.
Make it clear what you want and that you’re attracted to him. Don’t be shy about taking the reins once in a while. You never know, your boyfriend might find your newfound confidence sexier than you realize.
3. Be more affectionate with him.
It’s incredible how a few words of affection or touch can affect both of your moods and strengthen your bond as a couple.
We know how effective a casual touch can be as a flirting technique when you start dating, and everyone likes to hear that their partner is into them or that they look good.
Just because you’ve been together a while doesn’t mean that any of this has to stop. Being tactile and complimentary doesn’t have to be reserved for the start of a relationship or special occasions.
You might forget that your boyfriend likes being flirted with or complimented too. It should go both ways of course, but if you feel as though you’ve lost the affection in your relationship, be the one to start reintroducing it again.
If he’s feeling good about himself and can see how much you’re into him, then he’s more likely to give that affection back and let the sparks between you fly.
4. Talk to him about it.
If you’re worried about your sex life, then say something.
There is no point in suffering in silence, hoping that your boyfriend will notice. It might feel like an obvious problem in your head, but he may not even realize that your lack of sex life is an issue for you.
Unless you talk to each other about it, you won’t know what the other’s headspace is like. Be honest with your boyfriend about your concerns and find a solution together. If you leave something unsaid, then it’s more likely to build up in your head and negatively affect how you are around each other.
Communication is vital in a healthy relationship, so share your thoughts with your partner and focus on finding a constructive way to get your relationship back on track.
5. Learn to live with it.
Sometimes relationships go through difficult phases, and there’s nothing either of you can do about it. You may just have to accept that something about your partner has changed physically, and there’s not a lot he can do to be able to satisfy your needs in the way he used to.
You should ask yourself: do you still want to be with your boyfriend even without as much sex? How important a part of your relationship is your physical intimacy, and is there enough substance to your relationship without it to stay together?
All relationships are different, and some will be based more heavily on the sexual connection a couple shares. Do you have a strong enough bond with your boyfriend to want to be with him despite what you feel is missing?
It could be a difficult time for him that you just have to ride through, he could have health issues that he needs to address, or he could just be getting older and his libido has changed. These factors can’t be helped, and you don’t have an easy solution that will bring back your boyfriend from your early years of dating. You may just have to face facts and realize that the situation isn’t going to change any time soon.
Ask yourself, if it can’t be helped, do you love him enough to learn to live with it, or is this the beginning of the end for the both of you?
6. Mix things up in the bedroom.
You might be worried that sex with your partner has gotten a little stale, and this is what is making your boyfriend less enthusiastic about this kind of time together.
If you want to entice your boyfriend back to bed, try introducing some sex toys or role play next time you have sex. Try out new positions together or start with a striptease. The possibilities are endless, and there’s no reason you should be feeling bored.
Only try what you’re comfortable with, but have a go at bringing back the fun of exploring each other’s bodies again. It doesn’t have to be up to your boyfriend to take the lead, and he might find it sexy to see you taking more control.
Don’t let your sex life fall into a rut. Make sure you’re both getting the most out of it and be the one to bring back some of the passion and energy you’re missing.
7. Don’t take things so personally.
You might feel your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you, but you could also be building this up into a much bigger issue in your head than it needs to be.
The man may just not be in the mood, and it might have nothing to do with you at all. Don’t jump to conclusions thinking he’s stopped loving you or is having an affair just because he rolled over and went to sleep the other night.
If you’re worried about it, say something. But don’t build the situation up in your head to the point that it comes out in a panicked, negative outburst and catches him off guard. Check on how he’s feeling first before you start assuming it has anything to do with you. Don’t let your imagination run away from the reality of the situation.
8. Make sex a priority again.
You have to put work into your relationship to ensure your sex life stays healthy.
As life together evolves, and you get stuck into work, keeping a house, or even starting a family, sex can fall to the bottom of the priority list. But sex doesn’t just happen. Spontaneous nights might become less frequent, but it doesn’t mean your sex life has to fizzle out completely.
That’s why, as contrived as it may seem, scheduling in time for sex is critical. If you want to have it, you need to make time for it and make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page.
A healthy sex life is important for keeping your bond with each other strong and reminding you of the sexual connection you share. Start by actively scheduling it into your routines, and you can become the driving force behind making sex a regular part of your lives again.
9. Try sex therapy.
Yes, it’s a thing. If you really don’t know why your boyfriend won’t have sex with you and he’s telling you there’s nothing wrong, then there are trained professionals out there who can help.
Like talking to a therapist about your issues, there are therapists dedicated to specifically improving and identifying problems with your sex life.
The idea of going and talking to a stranger about your most personal problems might seem embarrassing. But if you want to make your relationship work and sex with your partner is important to you, then it’s worth a go.
Even if we try to address the problem ourselves, we aren’t trained to have the answers on how to make our own relationships better.
Sex therapy isn’t the same as couple counseling. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with your relationship. But having someone neutral who has probably heard everything you have to say (and much worse) a hundred times before could be the guiding hand you both need to be able to find your way back to each other sexually again.
10. Don’t bring it up all the time.
Mention it to him, yes, but don’t make him feel guilty about the lack of sex you’re having.
Unless he feels comfortable talking to you about it, you don’t know what’s going through his mind. He could be feeling self-conscious or thinking that you aren’t having sex as much as you are. Constantly bringing it up, teasing him, or getting annoyed at him for it will only put more pressure on the situation and make it more difficult for him.
Try to find out what’s going through his head if he’s willing to talk about it, but don’t pressure him into it. If he wants to discuss it, he will. For the rest of the time, you need to show him that you support him and love him just as much, regardless of how much sex you’re having.
11. Get to know what turns him on.
Even if you’ve had sex a thousand times, you can still learn things about each other. If bedroom activity has slowed down, think about whether you’ve recently had a conversation with your boyfriend about his preferences.
It’s easy to just go with the flow and get stuck in a rut with your sex life, but our preferences can change and develop. Now might be a good time to see if there’s anything you could be doing for your partner that you haven’t tried already.
Even just talking about what you like in bed can be an intimate experience to share and help put you in the mood.
Take the opportunity to check in again with him and make sure that when you do have sex, it’s the best it can be for the both of you.
The best thing for you to do if your sex life has gone off the boil is not to jump to conclusions.
Our first reaction is to think that something must be wrong, and more than that, something must be wrong with us.
You’ll be worrying that because your boyfriend isn’t as up for it as he used to be or you’re not having as much sex as people you know in other relationships, that it’s a sign your relationship is over. Or that you’re not attracted to each other anymore.
Holding your relationship against sexist society standards or comparing it to books, films, or even other people, isn’t fair on either of you and especially not on your boyfriend.
People and relationships change. You’re supposed to stick by each other through the good times and the bad. Your commitment and connection should be built on more than just good sex, and if it’s not, then how deep is your relationship?
Don’t sit there worrying about something you don’t have the answer to. Make sure you communicate with each other clearly so you can get to the bottom of the issue and find out how your boyfriend feels about all of this.
Start taking the initiative and seeing what you can do to take the pressure off him to be the one to keep the romance alive.
Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it’s not the only part. If you’re meant to be together, then everything will work itself out.
Still not sure what to do when your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex? You might benefit from speaking to a relationship expert – both by yourself AND as a couple – to identify potential problems with your sex life and get ways to overcome them. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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