Have other people told you that you ask too many questions? Perhaps you’ve been told what you’re asking is inappropriate, uncomfortable, or too private to answer?
Before we dive into some reasons and tips to help you with that, you should understand why it might be an issue. After all, isn’t curiosity about others a good thing?
Is asking too many questions a bad thing?
Well, this depends on your audience.
“Social conventions” exist to put everyone on the same page regarding what is deemed “appropriate” and what is not. In addition, relevant conversations help people build rapport that may lead to deeper connections. But social conventions really depend on your upbringing, personality, culture, and neurotype, among other things.
For example, neurotypical people will have different standards as to what is an acceptable number of questions compared to neurodivergent people such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD). And who is to say that one convention is “appropriate” and the other is not? Just because one is the mainstream doesn’t make it better or more valid.
And certain cultures speak more directly than others, and this is considered their socially accepted “norm”.
So, the question is really about your audience, and finding a balance that both conversation partners find comfortable and enjoyable. After all, boundaries are important for all involved.
Understanding those boundaries is an important part of building relationships with other people. So, what are some reasons people ask a lot of questions, particularly those that others might consider intrusive or inappropriate? And what can you do about that?
1. You may be neurodivergent.
As we already touched on, many neurodivergent individuals, particularly those who are autistic, ADHD, or AuDHD have communication styles that involve asking more questions than is typical in mainstream conversation. This isn’t a flaw—it’s simply a different way of connecting and processing information.
For autistic people, questions can help clarify ambiguity and provide specific information that helps them understand social situations better. They also often find small talk difficult and pointless, and prefer to delve into deeper, more meaningful topics.
For ADHDers, questions might flow naturally from an active, curious mind that jumps quickly between interesting topics.
Research suggests that neurodivergent people often value direct communication and information gathering more highly than adhering to unwritten social rules about question frequency. This can sometimes create a mismatch in conversation expectations, as neurotypical people might interpret multiple questions as intrusive rather than recognizing them as a valid communication style.
What can you do?
Finding your tribe is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Seek out others who share or appreciate your communication style. Many neurodivergent people find conversations with like-minded individuals much more satisfying because both parties tend to value similar patterns of information exchange.
However, it’s important to recognize that conversation is a two-way street where both parties should feel comfortable. A neurodivergent question-asking style is entirely valid, just as other communication styles are. Different doesn’t mean wrong. However, being mindful of your conversation partner’s comfort can help create more balanced interactions. And they should be mindful of yours too.
Sometimes briefly explaining, “I ask a lot of questions because I’m genuinely interested in understanding your perspective” can help others appreciate your curiosity rather than feeling interrogated. And saying something like, “Let me know if my questions ever feel like too much,” acknowledges both your style and their boundaries.
Unfortunately, some people may respond negatively to communication differences. A lot of people still see autistic and ADHD behaviors and communication styles as problems that need to be fixed. So it’s perfectly acceptable to be more selective about who you engage with deeply, choosing people who appreciate your curiosity and communication style.
2. You may be nervous or have social anxiety.
Nervousness often causes people to act in ways they wouldn’t usually. They may do things like fidget, exhibit more closed body language, trip up on what they say, or ask questions that come across as inappropriate.
This type of behavior also extends to anxiety, which is often more intense and difficult to navigate, according to Mayo Clinic. People with anxiety or social anxiety challenges may overstep others’ social boundaries because they are uncomfortable or overwhelmed with a situation. They don’t mean to misstep, but they may feel compelled to keep talking or fill the silence when it happens.
What can you do?
A good approach is to plan out some questions ahead of time. You do not want to prepare a full script because the other person isn’t going to follow it, which will throw you off and increase your anxiety. Ask questions like:
What have you been up to lately? How is work going these days?
Do you have any hobbies or interests that you’ve been excited about lately?
None of these questions are personal in a way that may feel violating.
3. You may be naturally curious about other people.
You may be just naturally curious about other people, but don’t quite have a good read on when you’re crossing their boundaries. You want to learn more about others and connect with them, but you may have difficulty knowing when you’re pressing too far. There is a fine line between being interested and interrogating your conversation partner.
What can you do?
Try to think of your conversations like a tennis game. One person serves the ball and both players volley it back and forth to one another. A good conversation is the same.
You serve the ball and wait for them to hit it back with their comment, then you comment, and so on. That way, you are spacing out your questions to allow you both to talk more about the answer before another question gets served up. In doing so, you can space out your questions which will be less intrusive.
4. You have a genuine desire for connection.
It may be that you find this person you’re talking with so interesting that you want to develop a friendship or relationship with them. You may think asking personal questions will help you foster and build intimacy, but according to Psychology Today, depending on the person, it may do the complete opposite.
For a lot of people, true intimacy and knowing another is often built through time and interactions. There is also the issue of safety. Sharing too much personal information before you’ve figured out whether someone is trustworthy is not wise. Ongoing conversations and shared experiences build intimacy and friendship. Still, it’s a matter of time and growing into that comfort level safely.
What can you do?
You’ll need to have patience. Allow the conversation to go as it goes and see where it leads. Ask prompting questions to let the person talk more about themselves, and contribute when it’s your turn. Sometimes it isn’t easy to see through the subtext.
If you want an opportunity to continue building a friendship with this person, ask if the two of you can meet up again for coffee to chat more about a subject you discussed. Then you can ask to exchange phone numbers or social media contacts for future chit-chat and arrangements.
5. You may be insecure.
Insecurity can cause significant issues with socialization. An insecure person doesn’t typically feel comfortable in their own skin, so they may not be confident enough to rely on themselves.
Thus, they make social missteps because they don’t have the appropriate skills and confidence to be okay with how they act. In addition, their social skills may be lacking because all their social interactions are filtered through that insecurity.
What can you do?
A good way to confront insecurity in social interactions is to build your social skills. Generally, the more we avoid something, the worse it gets. So, by practicing talking to others, you will increase your confidence when socializing. That leads to greater control over what choices you make in the course of your socialization. As a result, your motivation won’t be driven as much by fear of judgment and insecurity.
A good way to do this is to try to practice in lower-stress environments with understanding people. Join groups based on shared interests where conversation flows more naturally around topics you all enjoy.
6. You may be nosy or a gossip.
Sometimes people don’t always have an accurate assessment of their social interactions. For some, gossip and the hottest “tea” or drama is a form of entertainment. They want to hear all the lurid, juicy details so they have something exciting to think and talk about with other people.
That’s why people care about the lives of celebrities and reality television shows. However, that can also cross over into your interactions with other people. Likely, you don’t even realize that you’re probing with questions to try to get the dirt, but other people will notice.
What can you do?
Moral and judgmental implications aside, some people enjoy watching drama, and that’s how it is. But do yourself a big favor and keep it all at a distance. There are plenty of television shows, entertainment websites, and other avenues to indulge in the spectacle. When you’re not conversing with other people, think about how you interact with others.
What kinds of questions do you ask? What have other people said that was intrusive or nosy? What questions can you ask instead?
And ask yourself—why am I asking this question? Is there a good reason? Are you genuinely interested? Or are you just looking for the latest juicy tidbit? Then, the next time you’re talking to someone, you can take a moment to consider your questions before you ask them.
7. You may not have learned about others’ boundaries.
Inappropriate boundaries are a particular problem for many people. They can stem from so many different things. You might just be socially awkward and never had the chance to develop appropriate boundaries.
For most, boundaries are set and built through interacting with others. A person who does not regularly interact with others will not have built up that experience.
People lacking awareness of others’ boundaries may not realize that the questions they are asking are being considered inappropriate, particularly if the boundaries haven’t been explicitly stated. They can’t accurately assess what kind of emotional response their questions will have in other people.
Then you have mental health issues like borderline personality disorder or abandonment issues that may fuel inappropriate social behavior because of unregulated emotional actions.
Sometimes inappropriate boundaries are a symptom of a mental health issue.
What can you do?
Before asking a personal question, pause and consider how you might feel if someone asked you the same thing. This can help develop your sense of what questions might be sensitive for others.
While social boundaries aren’t universal rules, understanding general expectations can give you a starting point. Asking your conversation partner about their comfort levels can help if you’re unsure of their boundaries. It’s perfectly okay to check in with, “Is it alright if I ask about…?” This respects the other person’s autonomy while allowing you to satisfy your curiosity when appropriate.
Seek professional guidance if needed. If you struggle significantly with boundaries and it’s affecting your relationships, a therapist—particularly one who meets you where you’re at—can help you develop strategies that work for you without trying to change who you fundamentally are.
In closing…
Be gentle with yourself. Learning to navigate social boundaries is a lifelong process for everyone. If you make a misstep, apologize simply and move forward. Most people appreciate self-awareness more than perfect adherence to unwritten rules.
Remember that having different boundaries than others doesn’t make you wrong or broken. The goal isn’t to conform to arbitrary standards, but to find a balance where both you and others can feel respected and comfortable in your interactions.
