Are you a good person? It’s something that a lot of people struggle with because of the questions that surround it. “Is it okay to call myself a good person?” “What did I do to call myself a good person?” “Am I not a good person because I’ve done some bad things?” “Is it arrogant to call myself a good person?”
And then you have the question that philosophy and religion have been trying to answer for thousands of years, “What makes a good person?” Well, we certainly aren’t going to be able to provide an objective answer to such a subjective question, but what we can do is talk about some of the behaviors that point to goodness. Behaviors like these:
1. You feel guilty when you hurt someone.
Empathy. We should care when we hurt someone, whether our actions were intentional or not. The fact that you feel bad when you hurt someone demonstrates that you have a conscience and empathy. Not only that, but you’re allowing yourself to admit that you did a wrong thing.
Bad people don’t do that. They just deflect or justify their bad behavior. Worse yet, some of the worst people see their bad behavior more like a badge of honor, proving they are better than those they hurt. “It’s their own fault for trusting me.” They believe that everyone else is as bad as they are, and they act on that belief, which harms others.
2. You are considerate of others when making decisions.
We do not exist in a vacuum. All your actions and behaviors can have ripple effects that will touch other people in your life, for good or ill. As Psychology Today reminds us, good people understand that, and they think carefully before they make an impulsive decision that could negatively affect others.
Consideration demonstrates empathy and shows that you value the well-being of others rather than just what’s best for you. Bad people, on the other hand, tend to be selfish and self-centered. They are focused mostly on what’s best for them when making decisions, so they tend to create collateral damage along the way.
3. You are willing to apologize.
An apology is a powerful tool of healing, grace, and acceptance. Good people understand that they will make mistakes that will hurt others. It’s just a normal part of life. They know there is no shame in owning up to their mistakes and doing what they can to fix them. An apology is just one step on that path.
Bad people either don’t apologize, only apologize when they get caught, or only apologize when it is advantageous for them. They may use an apology and guilt as tools of manipulation rather than a partial solution to a problem. If they do apologize, it’ll be a non-apology like “I’m sorry you feel that way.” They also tend not to do the work to fix the problem they caused because they don’t care how the other person feels.
As a person on the autistic spectrum, I struggled with this concept more than one might expect. As I understand it, and Very Well Mind tells us, neurotypical people tend to feel some kind of catharsis when it comes to an apology. I, on the other hand, don’t feel much of anything when giving or receiving an apology. I just didn’t see a point in apologizing when I did something wrong because what difference does it make? Well, it turns out it makes a major difference to people who aren’t me.
4. You say “please” and “thank you.”
Common courtesy is not so common nowadays. A simple thing like basic courtesy, saying “please” and “thank you”, speaks volumes about someone’s character. It demonstrates an appreciation for other people when they do something for you. Basic manners indicate a baseline level of respect for other people, their feelings, and their efforts.
Selfish, self-centered people rarely exercise basic courtesy because they don’t particularly care about anyone else. In their mind, it’s only natural that everyone else does things for them because they are just that important. It’s an expectation that is built on entitlement, where they view themselves more like a main character than just another person.
5. You listen more than you speak.
You’re communicating much about yourself to the world when you take the time to listen to someone. You’re demonstrating that you respect them and see them as a valuable person rather than just some random nobody. To listen to someone is a sacrifice of time, attention, and grace that not everyone is willing to give.
In fact, people who behave badly usually don’t want to listen because they just don’t care. They’re not really interested in what others have to say unless it is somehow beneficial to them, and that’s not how it works in healthy relationships. You can’t be selective and only listen when it’s beneficial to yourself.
Furthermore, a lot of people just aren’t good at listening. Instead of listening, they’re just waiting for their turn to talk out of selfishness or ignorance. To be a good listener is to demonstrate that you value people.
6. You stand up for other people.
Courage matters because it’s the only thing that can make a difference when something is truly wrong. However, it’s worth remembering that courage is not always about grand gestures and bouts of heroism. The grand gestures make for fine stories, but that’s not where courage matters most. Courage matters in the small things, the everyday things, like standing up for someone, standing up for what you believe in, or trying to right a wrong.
Badly behaved people are usually not courageous, because courage is to put oneself into harm’s way to address an issue. People who behave badly are often self-centered, and usually aren’t interested in inconveniencing themselves. Of course, that’s not a hard and fast rule. Their motivations may be entirely different, though.
Instead of doing what’s right for the sake of doing what’s right, they’re doing what’s right for some sort of gain. They may be gaining materially, or it could be that they just want to look better to an audience.
7. You worry that you’re not good enough.
Ironically, doubting that you’re good is a strong indicator that you are a good person. Why? Self-reflection. People who question whether or not they are a good person are demonstrating awareness that they are a flawed person with shortcomings. They’re wondering if their actions and behaviors are right and good.
People who are consistently acting like jerks typically don’t self-reflect on the way they interact with the world. They’re perfectly fine with whatever they do because they typically don’t think what they do is wrong. They don’t necessarily care whether or not their actions are hindering or impeding their growth because they aren’t trying to grow.
Why bother to change if you’re already perfect? A person who is worried about not being good enough recognizes that there is room for improvement. And frankly, we all can improve.
Final thoughts…
Goodness is a difficult thing to define, which is why there are so many philosophers, scholars, and everyday people who debate what it means to be good. It’s normal to question whether or not you’re a good person, which is a strong indicator that you are. And if you’re not, then you always certainly have the potential to be by making better choices and doing better things.
But if you want to feel like a good person, you’re going to need to find a way to define what goodness means to you. That’s what many people turn to ethics, philosophy, and religion for. Once you decide what goodness means to you, you can act in accordance with those values to know that you are meeting your own expectations for criteria.
It’s okay if you come up a little short, though. At the end of the day, we’re still all people, and we’ll still do some bad things from time to time. However, that doesn’t make you a bad person.
