Many people struggle with understanding the difference between self-respect and arrogance. The issue is that the difference is never really explained all that well. It’s even harder to understand if you happen to be someone who doesn’t have a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
Feeling good about yourself can just feel wrong if others have been making you feel like you’re worthless. The slightest bit of self-confidence can feel like arrogance because of low self-esteem or self-worth. Trauma and mental health conditions can cause you to struggle with feelings of self-worth, too.
A good way to understand the difference is to look at the behaviors of people who have self-respect but who don’t have an overinflated sense of self. That way, even if you don’t feel that good about yourself, you can still identify some steps to take to improve your self-respect. Here are 7 key behaviors exhibited by people who respect themselves without being arrogant.
1. They treat other people with kindness.
Self-respect is about being confident in oneself without the need to put down others. Arrogant people elevate themselves at the expense of others. They exhibit behaviors like taking credit for work that’s not theirs, not acknowledging the accomplishments of others, or doing passive-aggressive things like belittling and trashing others.
Self-respect stands on its own. As Psych Central tells us, self-respect honors your needs, your values, your worth, and your well-being. You can feel proud of doing a good job or succeeding well without doing it at anyone else’s expense. It’s healthy to think or say, “I’m really good at this.” That’s much different than thinking, “I’m much better than John.”
Maybe you are, but you don’t need to say it out loud. You don’t need to use it as a weapon to tear John down. Kindness is not only elevating other people, but it’s also knowing what not to say and when not to speak.
2. They don’t compare themselves to others.
“Comparison is the thief of joy,” so the saying goes. People with self-respect don’t compare themselves to others because they understand that everyone is walking their own path. Furthermore, they are aware that other people can and will surpass them.
Arrogant people feel threatened when they perceive other people are doing better than they are, and this reflects in their behavior. Their jealousy often causes them to act defensively, get angry, or gossip.
There will always be someone who is doing better, knows more, or has things that you want. A person with self-respect knows that not everyone gets what they want. That’s just the way the world works. They focus on themselves and their own lives rather than other people’s, and they don’t waste time on comparisons.
3. They accept compliments with grace.
Compliments can be tricky. If you’re not someone who has a good sense of self-worth, a compliment can make you feel really uncomfortable. That may cause you to want to avoid situations of recognition or talk yourself down when someone acknowledges you.
Arrogant people have the opposite problem. Instead of showing appreciation or humility, they gloat or use it as a reinforcement that they are as great as they think they are. They may also use that compliment to attack and tear other people down. “See what you couldn’t do? That’s because I’m better than you.”
What’s the balance? Well, I can tell you from personal experience. I had a difficult time accepting compliments for a long time until someone pointed out that a compliment is not the result of my evaluation of my own work. It’s an evaluation of my work by the person giving the compliment, and it’s really not good to tell other people how to feel.
Yes, I still feel uncomfortable at times when people compliment me, but I allow them to have their feelings, and I just say, “Thank you” or “Thank you for the kind words!” Seriously. That’s all you have to do.
Don’t try to talk it down, and don’t try to counter their compliment by giving them one. Just say “Thank you,” and the uncomfortable conversation will move on.
4. They own their mistakes.
It’s amazing to me how people who refuse to own their mistakes don’t realize just how foolish they look. They don’t seem to be able to see all the good things that can happen when you say, “I made a mistake.” But then again, arrogant people don’t often have a healthy or appropriate social awareness. If they did, they wouldn’t be arrogant.
Dr. John Amodeo writes that it takes a person with a strong sense of self-worth, respect, and courage to admit their own mistakes without concluding that they are the mistake.
The ability to own your mistakes is an act of self-respect because it’s acknowledging your imperfect humanity. No one gets everything right, and no one respects people who can’t admit when they’re wrong. Worse still, either other people know you’re lying, or it’s only a matter of time before you get caught.
Self-respect is the ability to say. “I’m not perfect,” which arrogant people can’t do.
5. They celebrate other people’s wins.
Arrogant people are not able to celebrate others’ wins. Instead of feeling happy and excited for another’s success, they feel threatened by it and jealous because it’s not their achievement, and this shows up in their behavior.
They may get sulky or talk down the accomplishment because they believe that person doesn’t have the right to feel good about their accomplishment.
People with healthy self-respect aren’t threatened by the success of others. Furthermore, they are likely to cheer other people on because they understand that others’ success is not a negative reflection on them.
They know that they aren’t going to win every time, and not only is it okay, but it’s great when other people win.
6. They are assertive rather than aggressive.
Aggressiveness is for conflict. The aggressor is looking to cause an issue or start a fight. Arrogant people behave aggressively in order to tear other people down and lift themselves up. Aggressiveness doesn’t necessarily mean anger. It can be anger, but it can also be passive-aggressive comments, gossiping, starting rumors, or talking you down to others.
People with self-respect don’t need to be aggressive in what they do because they don’t feel threatened enough to want to attack. Again, it comes back to them understanding that they are good enough no matter what other people do.
Still, there comes a time when they do need to be in conflict because that’s just the nature of people. It happens because that’s just how people are. Instead of aggressiveness, they utilize assertiveness to ensure they are respected the way they feel they deserve to be.
7. They set boundaries without guilt.
Respectful boundaries are a healthy, essential part of any relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s personal, professional, or romantic; boundaries establish what kind of behavior you’re willing to accept and not. You can’t expect or trust other people to treat you right if they don’t know what the right behavior is for you.
Arrogant people can have boundaries, too, but they don’t set them the same as someone with self-respect. The difference is in how they approach the establishment of their boundaries. They often set boundaries that cause detriment to the person at the receiving end. For example…
Self-respect: “Please do not talk down to me. I don’t like it.” And if the person continues to disrespect the boundary, consequences are enforced.
Arrogance: “You will treat me with respect by answering the phone when I call you.” That’s not a boundary; that’s an imposition.
Boundaries clash, and they get broken sometimes. A person with self-respect will either talk it through or decide to walk away. What they won’t do is make demands that are an imposition.
Final thoughts…
It’s not arrogant behavior to have self-respect. The difference is pretty clear once you understand what the difference is. Self-respect is feeling good and worthy about yourself because you are a person who deserves to feel good and worthy.
Arrogance is making yourself feel good by looking down on other people. It’s thinking that other people just aren’t good enough, smart enough, or work hard enough because you believe they aren’t on your level.
Granted, sometimes you will feel like you’re doing better than others. That’s okay in small doses. Everyone has negative thoughts or selfish feelings from time to time. That’s normal and even healthy because it’s just part of being a flawed human being.
Arrogance, however, is more consistent, long-term, and overtly at the expense of others.
