Emotional intelligence (EQ) is defined as the ability to recognize, understand, and regulate emotions — both one’s own and those of others. People with high EQ have an easier time reading other people’s body language, recognizing cultural and personal differences, and negotiating interpersonal situations in a healthy, constructive manner.
Unfortunately, the behaviors used by many high-EQ people are often misinterpreted and misunderstood, particularly those listed below. When they’re put into action, they’re often criticized and condemned by those who simply don’t understand them.
1. Setting and defending firm boundaries.
Some of the most emotionally intelligent people you’ll ever meet are those who defend their boundaries regularly and have little difficulty saying “no” when necessary. They recognize and understand their own limitations, and if they feel they’re worn too thinly to be of much help to anyone, they’ll prioritize their well-being over potentially disappointing other people.
This article by Forbes tells us that this behavior is often criticized as selfish or inflexible by those who are accustomed to those who say “yes” to everything they want. As such, firm boundary setters may experience pushback from those who prioritize their own wants over respecting other people’s boundaries. Since they don’t respect them, they see no problem in trying to overrule or overstep them.
2. Walking away during heated arguments.
Many people interpret walking away during arguments as disrespectful or avoidant when that may not be the case at all. In fact, walking away briefly to allow emotions to cool can be a great way to de-escalate emotionally charged situations, according to Psych Central.
Unfortunately, those who thrive on conflict and want immediate resolution on their own terms will often oppose this behavior rather forcefully. They may yell at the other person to not walk away from them, or they may even try to follow them in order to continue the argument. This has happened to me on numerous occasions in which I simply needed to cool down and gather my thoughts so I could respond rationally instead of emotionally.
From my own experience, I’ve learned that the key to diffusing misunderstandings here is effective communication. Walking away and slamming a door is ineffective and will undoubtedly make matters worse. Instead, using an emotionally mature phrase to communicate your needs helps. Saying something like, “I love you, and I want to resolve things with you, but I need to go for a walk to calm down a bit first,” shows mutual courtesy and respect, which inevitably leads to more effective communication later on.
3. Thinking before speaking (and speaking slowly and articulately).
We live in an era that doesn’t just demand instant gratification but quick responses, too. You’ve likely been berated by people who got angry that you didn’t answer them quickly enough, whether verbally or through text/email, and those who take time to gather their thoughts and speak slowly and articulately are often condemned for doing so. Some may construe this behavior as condescending, calculating, or overly cautious when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Pausing to think before speaking and then expressing oneself clearly are marks of high emotional intelligence. These actions show that the person is responding with clarity rather than reacting in a knee-jerk fashion, according to Psychology Today. Similarly, in addition to modulating their tone in order to avoid escalating a situation, they’re likely trying to find the words that can articulate their ideas the best rather than rambling defensively.
4. Active listening (specifically, paraphrasing).
One technique that’s commonly used in active listening is paraphrasing. Essentially, you re-phrase what the person has said in your own words and ask them if you’ve heard them correctly. This shows them that you’re paying attention to what they’re saying and gives them the opportunity to correct you if they feel that you didn’t understand exactly what they meant.
Those who use this technique show significant emotional intelligence because they understand that misunderstandings usually come from miscommunication, so clarifying that both are on the same page is terribly important. Unfortunately, many people who are on the receiving end of this behavior can misconstrue the intention and feel that they’re being mocked. They may offer responses such as: “Yes, I just said that, did you not hear me?” or “Do you think I’m so stupid that you need to speak to me like I’m a child?” They don’t recognize that the intention is clarity and comprehension, not condescension.
5. Not taking offense easily.
Those who are stoic and resilient with regard to upsetting information or situations are often accused of being cold and unfeeling. This is likely because they don’t react emotionally the way others do, and that can make people feel uncomfortable. Similarly, if they don’t get upset or offended like their peers, they’re criticized for being uncaring or for not sharing their social circles’ morals or ethics.
In reality, those with high emotional intelligence can recognize different perspectives and points of view and respect those differences accordingly. They may feel quite strongly about various topics, but they know that their own viewpoints aren’t necessarily universal and that there are many sides to most situations. Additionally, they usually aren’t emotionally fragile and won’t take other people’s criticism or contempt personally.
6. Reading other people’s body language (i.e., social awareness).
A person with a high EQ will take stock of their surroundings regularly in order to maintain awareness of what’s going on around them. This may entail observing the behavior of those around them, as their body language, microexpressions, and other nonverbal behaviors can offer clues about their well-being, as well as imminent behavior.
Some people can misinterpret this type of observation as being “creepy”, especially if they experience social anxiety. They’ll often prefer not to observe others for fear of making them uncomfortable. In reality, developing social awareness can make a huge difference with regard to personal safety since those nonverbal gestures often offer cues as to what a person is going to do next.
7. Not always being available.
In this era of perpetual connectivity, those who choose to step away from their phones for protracted periods of time are often criticized by those who seem to demand constant availability. For example, a person who spends a few hours reading or working out may be labeled “toxic” for not responding to their partner’s texts within minutes. Similarly, an employee who won’t answer emails on evenings or on weekends may be accused of not showing enough commitment to “the team”.
In reality, unplugging and spending more time on personal pursuits is vital for one’s overall well-being. It’s only when we’ve turned off our various devices that we can truly immerse ourselves in important things like spending quality time with friends and family, exercising consciously, reading books, creating art, cooking without distraction, or simply getting lost in our own thoughts. Most of us have little time to think about things or imagine what could be since we’re constantly inundated by other people’s demands for our time and attention.
Final thoughts…
Not everyone will understand you and your behavior or your motivations as you move through life — either because they don’t put the effort into doing so or because they’re wired so differently that they’ll never operate on the same level that you do. And that’s okay: life would be very boring if we were carbon copies of one another.
If you have high emotional intelligence, don’t downplay your instincts and abilities by diminishing yourself for the sake of other people’s comfort. You’ll connect properly with those who are meant to be in your life and who will appreciate you authentically.
