Quality communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Emotionally mature people understand that they need to communicate to express their needs, maintain connections, and resolve conflicts. Still, healthy communication is a skill that a lot of people don’t inherently have. Instead, it’s a skill that can be developed with a little bit of learning and practice.
Healthy communication doesn’t need to be complicated. In fact, there are some simple phrases that emotionally mature people use to communicate their needs in a healthy way – and you can use them too.
1. “I need some time to process this. Can we talk about it later?”
It’s hard to be rational when your mind is drowning in anger. People are defensive when they’re angry, and that can easily spiral into a fight that didn’t need to happen. As Dr Jason N. Lynder informs us, you may need some time to properly identify and process your emotions.
There’s an old saying that “you should never go to bed angry,” referring to a romantic relationship. That’s not good advice because it can force an unsatisfactory solution due to misunderstanding the actual issue. You or the other person may need time and space to realize you were wrong or that there is a different problem altogether.
In my case, living with autism, I often can process intense emotions in the moment. My brain wants to stall out because all of those emotions that I’m getting from the other person, as well as what I’m feeling, are just too much to take in all at once. The myth that autistic people lack empathy is incorrect – it’s often that we feel the emotions of others too intensely.
Instead of trying to do it in the moment, I do need a chance to step back to think and process. I can tell you, that turned days-long arguments into discussions that could often be resolved in a few minutes without any fighting or arguing.
Taking a step back from a heated discussion is a good thing, but this shouldn’t be used to avoid the issue. The issue must be addressed, or it will just fester and explode in resentment later.
2. “That doesn’t work for me. Can we compromise?”
In many cases, there won’t be a clear-cut answer that both people can be happy with. There is always more investment on one side or the other, so we need to compromise to find a solution that everyone can live with. A drawn-out disagreement doesn’t serve anyone, and emotionally mature people understand this.
A compromise is to meet in the middle, and to meet in the middle means that neither party is getting everything they truly want. They’re just defining what they are willing to sacrifice and where their boundary is, as you will be doing, too.
In a healthy compromise, The Source informs us that no one will walk away from the agreement totally happy because both parties are conceding some of what they want. And who wants to do that? No one, but it’s necessary to get along with other people. If one party is walking away totally happy, it probably wasn’t a compromise.
3. “I appreciate you bringing this up.”
It’s hard for some people to bring up their issues. They may feel intimidated or like their feelings aren’t important. To say that you appreciate someone bringing up the way they feel or a problem they are having is to validate their emotions. Using this phrase communicates that you are open and willing to hear what they have to say, even if they don’t feel like they can talk.
Furthermore, it’s hard to get to the solution of a problem when you don’t know there is a problem. You can’t leave it up to subtle hints because you can’t trust other people to pick up on your hints. Alternatively, they may pick up on your hints but think it’s a different problem or that you’re just having a bad day.
This phrase facilitates openness. People are defensive when they are feeling vulnerable or upset. By acknowledging your appreciation for their openness, emotionally mature people are also communicating to the other person that they are safe. They’re telling them that they want to hear what they have to say, which facilitates healthy communication further into the relationship.
4. “I feel ___ when ___.”
People can’t read minds. If you want to have your emotions respected, then you’ll need to be able to express them clearly. Many people struggle with articulating their feelings because they don’t know what may be too much or too little.
The key to balance is to start the conversation and let it evolve from there. “I feel ___ when ___” is a phrase that is designed to get the conversation going. It’s simple and direct.
“I feel angry when there are dirty dishes left all over.”
“I feel sad when you don’t reply to my messages for hours.”
After the conversation has been opened, you can start exploring ways to find a solution. It’s okay if your emotions are not clear and concise. The important thing is that you are expressing them to facilitate the conversation.
5. “What I need now is ___.”
Expressing your needs can feel overwhelming and difficult because you may feel like an imposition or guilty. However, you’re allowed to have your needs met. You’re allowed to stand up for yourself and your needs. You deserve that.
The simplest solution is often the best solution. A phrase like this is clear, direct, and concise so that you can communicate how the other person can fulfill your needs. If they genuinely care about you, they will want you to feel happy and taken care of.
“What I need right now is support, not a solution.”
“What I need right now is a little space so I can think and decompress.”
“What I need right now is some quiet because I feel overstimulated.”
6. “I think I understand you; let me share how I see the situation.”
Communication is a two-way street. The way you assert boundaries, enforce them, and find mutual resolutions is through understanding. Not only does the other person need to understand your perspective, but you need to fully understand theirs, too.
A good way to demonstrate your understanding is by rephrasing the issue in your own words. That way, they can see that you’re hearing and comprehending them, and then you can express how you feel about the situation and find a mutual solution. If you don’t feel like they’re getting it, you can ask them to rephrase your issue back to you to show they comprehend the problem. For example:
“I worry when I don’t know where you are, when you’ll be home, or if you’re going to be late.”
“What I’m hearing is that I need to communicate better with you so that you don’t worry. How about I make a better effort to make sure to text you or call with an estimate? However, you can’t expect a 100% check-in rate. I’m not going to lay out a minute-by-minute itinerary of my life outside of you.”
And now the two of you have found a solution and expressed your own boundaries. It’s not unreasonable to want to know where your loved one will be going or when they’ll be back. A little communication to help understand the problem leads to a clear solution.
7. “Let me think about that and get back to you soon.”
Difficult conversations can stir up difficult emotions. Of course, difficult emotions can lead to snap reactions that may do more harm than good. Furthermore, not everyone thinks well in the moment. Some people are slower thinkers who need more time to process what’s going on.
That’s okay. Different people process things in their own way, but it’s still your responsibility to communicate that clearly. That’s why using “Let me think about that and get back to you soon” says everything you need to say.
However, you need to stay mindful of that second part: “…get back to you soon.” You need to make sure you actually do get back to the person soon. If you forget or put it off, they will resent you, and it will make your relationship much more contentious and difficult. It can even lead to a breakdown of the relationship because their needs aren’t being met.
Final thoughts…
There’s a lot we can learn about emotions and communication from people who are more emotionally mature. These skills are all things you can learn and practice so you can incorporate them in your own relationships. And you should.
What you’ll find is that you have better communication, which will mean fewer arguments and resentment. It may take some time to get used to it. Good communication like this can create some vulnerability because you’re talking about emotions that you may not normally address.
Just keep working at it, and look forward to reaping the fruits of your labor.
