There’s nothing wrong with trying to help people when they need it. In fact, people are predisposed to social relationships and community, and support is part of that. However, there are times when friends and other community members may need help that you’re in a position to provide.
Like all things, healthy boundaries are necessary to ensure you are protected from your own kindness. Not everyone is all that great of a person. There are people out there who look for the helpers so they can latch on and drain their time, attention, and resources.
The only way to protect yourself from that is to understand the difference between a hero complex and being a helper. A hero complex will cause you to burn yourself to the ground for others, which will just turn you into a jaded, bitter person.
So, how can you tell when your desire to be helpful has become harmful? Be on the lookout for these signs that you’re doing too much.
1. You feel like you’re responsible for fixing others’ problems.
There’s nothing wrong with helping someone if they ask to be helped. However, you may be doing too much if you’re the kind of person who immediately jumps into problem-solving mode whenever you see someone having a problem, without them even asking.
People who want to take advantage of you will see that and latch on. You will wind up becoming the first person they call whenever they need help, no matter how mundane. It’s also one reason that some people are thanklessly treated like a therapist by their friends.
If you don’t want your desire to help to become unhealthy, you need to have good boundaries. You need to learn how to stop trying to fix other people’s problems.
2. You struggle to say no when you’re overextended.
People who care about you will want to understand your boundaries so they can walk around them. They will respect the fact that you say “no” if they ask something of you, and they will look elsewhere for help. However, you may not feel like you can say no.
Instead, you may be the kind of person who sees someone struggling and just needs to do something about it, regardless of your own well-being. You don’t say “no” because you just can’t bear to see them struggle.
Unfortunately, you do have to let people struggle sometimes. Life is a regular struggle for many, and you can’t solve everyone’s problems. Learning to say “no” is an important skill you need to develop if you don’t want your helpful disposition to become harmful.
3. You enjoy being the “rescuer.”
It feels good to do good. It feels good to know that you made a difference to someone. However, if you enjoy being the rescuer to the point that it’s detrimental to your life, then it’s time to take a step back. This is a sure sign that you’ve got a hero complex.
Not only that, as we learn from Therapy Matters, it may be a problem if you can’t let someone figure out their own problems or if they reject your help. People with a hero complex always try to insert themselves into others’ lives in order to be the savior.
People with a hero complex may reduce their entire identity and self-worth to what they can do for other people. They may believe that if they aren’t helping, what value do they have? They feel compelled to chase the high of doing good and put themselves in bad, unhealthy situations as a result. It’s as though they are addicted to helping.
They may also go out of their way to look for people to save, or butt into problems where they aren’t wanted or asked to be. Their motivations aren’t to help, but to feed their own ego and desire to rescue people from bad situations.
Personally, this is something I struggled with when I was heavily into mental health advocacy and patient leadership. You’re standing in a crowd with all these suffering people, and you want to help. But some people don’t want help, others don’t want your help, and then there are those who only want to help themselves.
That was a very difficult thing for me to accept, knowing I may be able to help, but still needing to learn how to honor that person’s choices either way.
4. You confuse being needed with being wanted and loved.
The people who need to feel needed instead of wanted often find that a foreign concept. They ask, “Doesn’t everyone want to feel needed? Isn’t that comforting?” Sure, it is to some people. However, when you feel like you need to be needed, you’re willing to make unhealthy concessions in that relationship.
People who want to be wanted don’t run into that problem as much. They know that the world isn’t going to end if they create boundaries or have to let someone who wants them go. If you need another person to live, to function, and to feel loved, that’s more likely codependence than kindness.
If you need someone, and they don’t love you, then you’re just an easy person to take advantage of.
5. You downplay or ignore your own needs.
Everyone has needs, and you need to take care of yours. Licensed Professional Counsellor, Emily Roberts, stresses the importance of self-respect and taking care of yourself so as to not let other people take advantage of you. We need to do the things that will help keep us physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy.
There’s an issue when you’re regularly sacrificing your needs for others, which is a common behavior in people pleasers who often have a hero complex. Granted, sometimes it happens. There are times when you will need to make a bit of personal sacrifice to help someone out. That’s not a problem in small doses.
It’s a problem if you’re regularly staying up every night to talk to someone who just needs you to be there for them. It’s a problem if you’re not taking care of your mental health by taking breaks for yourself. It’s a problem when you start burning yourself out to support other people at the expense of your health and well-being.
You have to take care of yourself, first and foremost. As the saying goes, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.
6. You feel guilty when you can’t help someone.
You’re not a superhero. You’re not here to save the world. And you’re not going to, even if you try. That’s not something you should feel guilty about. Other people’s problems are not your responsibility. Anything you do for other people should be because that’s what you choose to give them.
There’s a problem if you find yourself drowning in guilt because you can’t help someone with their problems. However, you need to understand that their well-being isn’t up to you. It’s up to them. They have to be the ones to make the right choices for themselves.
It’s also possible that you don’t feel guilty because you feel guilty. Instead, you may feel guilty because they make you feel guilty for not taking care of their needs. That’s a sign that you’re being taken advantage of and that you need to erect boundaries without feeling guilty if you want to protect your space.
7. You attract people who are constantly in crisis.
People with poor boundaries and a hero complex often view people coming to them with their problems as a good thing. They may call themselves empaths and convince themselves that their kindness is what attracts this kind of behavior. They tell themselves that their sensitive nature and understanding are what attract people who are having a hard time.
And that may be true.
What’s also true is that people who are like this, who don’t have a boundary built to keep people in constant crisis from latching on, are going to be taken advantage of sooner or later. And as a result, they keep attracting “broken” people. Again, it’s about balance. There’s nothing wrong with being there for someone having a hard time, but you can’t encourage their dependence on you to be okay.
There’s an issue when you’re the only one they call, or if they are constantly in crisis. For some people, every small issue is a crisis of epic proportions that requires kindness and compassion from others. As a result, they just take and take and take. Then you have people who genuinely are in crisis a lot, but they refuse to take responsibility for their lives or choices, and thus perpetuate the cycle.
You can’t save someone from themselves. You need to set boundaries so that you stop attracting the wrong type of people.
Final thoughts…
There’s a distinct difference between a hero complex and just wanting to help. That distinction is how it affects you and your life. Helping shouldn’t mean tearing your well-being to pieces to help prop someone up or save them from their problems.
Yes, it’s hard to watch someone suffer, but sometimes that’s what you need to do. Many people can only learn their lessons the hard way. You’re depriving them of the ability to learn and grow if you’re constantly bailing them out.
Instead, take a step back and make sure you are taking care of yourself first. No one else is going to take care of you like you can take care of yourself.
