Just about every divorced person has a list of things they wish they had known about before so that they didn’t screw themselves over in the year immediately following the split. We wish we could go back in time and do things differently, as emotional distance and hindsight offer the clarity that we certainly didn’t have at the time.
If you’re going through a divorce, it may benefit you to learn from other people’s mistakes, like the ones listed here, so you don’t end up making the same ones.
1. Diving into a new relationship too quickly.
This often happens after someone has spent years in a loveless or sexless marriage: they’re so eager to make up for lost time that they dive into a new partnership before they’re truly ready to do so. Furthermore, they might get serious very quickly instead of really getting to know their new partner. This can have truly devastating results if they end up with someone who’s worse than the one they divorced.
A friend of mine got into a serious relationship with a new man less than a year after she got divorced, and they had two children within three years. Shortly after the second child was born, her new partner abandoned the family, leaving her a single mother of four. It was only then that she found out that he had done something similar to two other women in the past. Had she gotten to know him better first, she would have likely made very different choices.
2. Spending a lot of money on their “fresh start.”
Some people are so eager to begin anew that they spend a startling amount of money on their fresh start. Some choose to have personal “glow-ups” by investing in personal trainers, high-end meal services, and cosmetic surgery procedures. Others spend lavishly on furniture for their new home or apartment, expensive clothes, and so on.
This is completely understandable, especially if they’ve been denying themselves various pleasures and joys over the years. The problem is that they often go overboard and then decide that the aesthetics they chose impulsively don’t actually suit them. It’s the decorative equivalent of a rebound relationship. If you want to invest in yourself, do so judiciously and don’t make changes that can’t be undone with a bottle of dye or a reasonable shopping spree.
3. Placing too much emphasis on staying friends with their ex.
It’s noble that a lot of people want to remain on good terms with their ex-spouses, especially if they’re going to be co-parenting or want to maintain harmony with their adult children’s families. That said, being too chummy with a recent ex can send mixed signals about the end of the relationship.
Many divorced couples do manage to stay friends after they’ve split. In fact, a lot of them get along far better once they’re no longer married, because they get along much better as friends and were never terribly compatible as partners. But the key to getting along well with the ex is often to maintain a healthy distance for a year or two in order to get used to the new dynamic. Then, once both parties are on solid ground in their new lives, they can re-negotiate their relationship with one another, if desired.
4. Not saving money “just in case.”
When you’re married, you have another person to lean on in case you lose your job, have an unexpected expense, or any other kind of financial setback. Once divorced, however, you’re often entirely responsible for your own financial support.
It’s completely understandable that many people choose to “treat themselves” after divorce and splurge on indulgences like travel or a new car rather than saving funds for a rainy day, especially if they weren’t “allowed” to do so while married. Unfortunately, when unexpected expenses do arise, they’re in a jam. Definitely take advantage of newfound freedom to have some fun, but keep setting aside emergency funds too.
5. Maintaining the same social circle and habits as they did before the divorce.
Couples tend to fall into behavioral patterns that are comfortable to both of them. For example, they might have gone to the same cozy cafe or pub together with the same group of friends for several years. Then, when they split up, they inevitably fight over who has the right to continue to frequent those places and remain friends with whom.
This is one of the reasons why it’s so important for at least one partner to relocate after divorce: to have a fully fresh start. Otherwise, they’ll either keep running into their ex or have to deal with gossip-mongering friends and acquaintances who want to tell them all about what said ex is up to, or fish for info to share with that person.
6. Rushing through the healing process instead of processing what happened.
Unless a person has been utterly checked out of their marriage for years and can’t wait to be done with the dead weight they’ve been stuck with, they’re going to need some time to grieve what was lost. Even if they’re relieved to be away from their ex, there’s still the loss of hopes, dreams, and security to contend with.
Those who rush this process usually end up pretending everything is fine; that they’re “living their best life!” while crying in the shower and eating cake in the dark. Additionally, one of the main reasons why it’s so important to process things thoroughly is to avoid repeating the same mistakes that led to the divorce in the first place.
7. Chewing the cud.
On the opposite end of the spectrum of those who are trying to move on as quickly as possible are those who choose to wallow in denial and misery for as long as possible. These are usually the ones who were served divorce papers “out of nowhere” rather than the ones who initiated the split. This isn’t always the case, however: others may question their decision for ages after the divorce, wondering if they’d made the wrong decision, if they hadn’t tried hard enough, and so on.
These people will sit and ruminate in their grief, despair, depression, regret, and anger, driving everyone around them insane by bringing up the same topics over and over again. They’re seeking reassurance and comfort, and that’s fine, but they need to make the choice to work through what they’re feeling and move on, rather than using this misery as an excuse to stagnate in the same place for far too long.
8. Picking up the same snake that bit them.
In an attempt to get on with their lives as quickly as possible, many people go for the same type of person they dated to “get it right this time”. In fact, they often leap into situations that are almost identical to the ones they just left, solely because those situations feel so comfortable and familiar to them.
Considering that this dynamic ended in divorce the last time, fumbling towards familiarity as escapism from their emotional difficulty will inevitably result in more heartbreak and tears. This is because all they’re doing is repeating the same cycle — wasting more time in strife, and inevitably careening towards another divorce. Then they’ll have two exes to deal with, plus potentially more alimony, child care/support, etc.
Final thoughts…
Divorce is never a fun thing to go through. Even when both parties are relieved about the split, either because they were poorly suited or something happened to make them despise one another, there’s going to be a measure of discomfort on both sides. This is why it’s so important to allow oneself time to process it all. Rushing through difficult emotions may cause people to bypass vital lessons or miss out on healing opportunities. When in doubt, take a big step back and move slowly, rather than leaping before looking clearly.
