Most people forget that unless the person you marry is an orphan from another planet, you’re going to inherit a significant number of relatives as soon as you exchange vows. This can be great if they’re from a healthy, supportive family full of amazing individuals. And significantly more dire if their family is utterly dysfunctional.
Even worse is when they aren’t even aware of the dysfunction, and are a collective of dumpster fires held together with duct tape and profanity. Sound familiar? Here’s what you can do if you’ve married into a family that’s oblivious to its own dysfunction.
1. Keep your distance as much as possible.
When a family isn’t just a dysfunctional wreck, but is incapable of seeing just how toxic or nonfunctional it really is, then keeping distance is one of the best things you can do for the sake of your own sanity.
While moving thousands of miles away from the family you’ve married into would be ideal, it may not be feasible — especially if your spouse has fairly strong attachments to their relatives.
As such, you may be limited to generally minimizing your exposure to them. Decline invitations to family gatherings whenever possible, or if you do need to attend, don’t stay with them: have a hotel room nearby that you can retreat to as needed. And whatever you do, don’t invite them to stay at your place. Ever.
2. Establish and defend firm boundaries.
One common theme in dysfunctional families is a lack of boundaries across numerous fronts. Siblings may steal each other’s food well into adulthood, and parents may see fit to invite themselves on their children’s vacations, etc.
What’s more, if your spouse has only ever experienced this dynamic, they may not know how to establish clear boundaries, let alone know how to defend them. Or they may be reticent about doing so because they don’t want to upset their family members. This is where you come in, as you’ll need to show them how it’s done.
Bear in mind that by being stringent about boundaries, you’re likely to end up labeled as the “bad guy” (or worse). Those who have been allowed to behave with unchecked entitlement up until this point won’t be pleased about having their poor behavior curbed. As such, be sure to discuss the inevitable fallout with your spouse, along with a plan on how to tackle it together as a couple.
3. Talk to your spouse about their experiences with their family members.
In the same way that a bird raised in a cage can’t conceive of what it must feel like to fly outdoors, a person who grew up in a seriously dysfunctional family may not realize just how toxic their family dynamic is. After all, it’s not as though they had much basis for comparison.
As such, it can be quite epiphanic for them to learn that their experience is the antithesis of a healthy, supportive family.
I experienced this firsthand when my former partner told me about what his family life was like. I’m the one who grew up in serious dysfunction and had no idea that what I had grown up with was outside the norm (or beyond the pale) until I learned what a loving, kind family that didn’t torture each other was like.
Finding out how these people addressed problems as a team and supported one another no matter what completely reframed my own life experience, and shed light on issues I had glossed over for years.
4. Refuse to be drawn into their squabbles.
Individuals in dysfunctional families will often try to recruit other people into their arguments to either gain support or bolster their numbers in order to bully their victim en masse. But if you side with one family member during a squabble, not only will you alienate the person they’re currently victimizing, but when they reconcile with that victim, they’ll all turn on you together later. Even worse, your spouse may end up siding with them out of a sense of familial obligation or to try to keep the peace.
As a result, the best (and only) option for your self-preservation is to refuse to get involved. Let them know that you love them all and you’re happy to make tea or go grab donuts for everybody, but you aren’t going to be drawn into this exchange. Use humor as needed, but extricate yourself from those situations as quickly as you can.
5. Don’t take on the role of emotional manager.
Many of us have spread ourselves too thinly by trying to manage other people’s emotions for them, especially when they’ve been stressed or upset. Dysfunctional families often engage in highly charged emotional exchanges, whether they’re screaming at each other, being passive-aggressive, accusing one another of wrongdoing, or arguing about utterly inconsequential things.
It’s important to avoid the instinct to intervene in an attempt to help. Even though you may have the best of intentions, you will end up being seen as the bad guy. They have a well-established dynamic that they’ve been perpetuating for years, and you are the interloper.
This is the point at which you tell your partner that you’ll support them no matter what, but that they’ll have to take center point here. Your spouse’s family will forgive them for anything they may say or do, but they’ll hold your words and actions against you forever.
6. Limit the amount of information you share with their family.
Keep the details of your life to yourself, and ensure that your spouse is on board with this, too. Financial investments, health concerns, family planning, and holiday details are just a few things to keep mum about. Similarly, don’t give them the passcodes to any of your personal accounts.
If possible, avoid giving them keys to your home as well. If they’re toxic enough to overstep boundaries and disrespect you on a regular basis, then they’re just as likely to let themselves into your home, borrow your things, and rearrange your space whenever you like.
Trust me when I say that few things can dampen an intimate evening with your spouse quite as much as having your in-laws walk in on you unannounced, in your own home, and then get mad at you for being in flagrante.
7. Make sure that you and your spouse are a united front.
One of the worst things to experience is when in-laws are terrible to you, and your spouse sides with them instead of defending you.
Keep in mind that the person you married grew up in that family and has a long-established role there, and having you by their side is a new dynamic to negotiate. Furthermore, having witnessed their parents’ toxic dynamic, they may not understand what it really means to be a united team.
As such, they may fall into the same dynamic they grew up with and side with their biological relatives, and assume that you can smooth things out in your own relationship later. It’s often a big wake-up call for them to realize that the behavior they grew up with won’t be tolerated in your marriage because it’s appalling.
This is why it’s so important to make sure that you and your partner both understand the importance of having each other’s backs no matter what. We don’t choose our families, but we do choose our spouses, and yours will be walking side by side with you for the rest of your life, in theory. They always need to put you first, the same way you’ll prioritize and defend them, always and forever.
8. Be prepared to walk away if you need to.
Separation and divorce aren’t things that any newlywed wants to think about, but if you’ve married into a seriously dysfunctional family that doesn’t see its dysfunction, refuses to improve it, and endangers your mental, emotional, and physical health as a result, then you need to be prepared to part ways if needed.
Many dysfunctional families try to alienate their children against the spouses they married in an attempt to maintain control over them. If your spouse allows them to do so, doesn’t defend you or your boundaries, or goes so far as to join in with their mistreatment of you, then it’s time to face the reality that there’s little hope of this situation improving over time.
Final thoughts…
We don’t get to choose whom we fall in love with. If we’re very lucky, we also fall in love with their relatives and have an amazing extended family to enjoy. That’s usually the exception rather than the rule, however.
If you find that you’ve married into a family that doesn’t see its own dysfunction, then be sure to put at least a few of the things mentioned here into practice. Not only will you protect yourself from potential toxicity, but your relationship with your spouse is sure to be much healthier and happier as well.
