If you’ve ever met someone who openly expresses how much they hate their spouse (or how much their spouse hates them), you may have found yourself wondering why they choose to remain married to them. After all, if they’re so miserable with this person, they can just leave, right?
Well, it’s not always as easy as all that. In fact, there may be several reasons why these people choose to remain married and miserable rather than risk divorce or separation. Let’s take a look at the top reasons why they do so.
1. They’re financially dependent upon them.
A lot of people are unaware of just how financially dependent people can be on one another. Illness, injury, job loss, and countless other issues may cause a person to be entirely financially dependent upon their spouse.
Furthermore, long periods of unemployment — such as taking a decade or more off work to raise children — can make it extremely difficult for a person to find gainful employment again, especially at an older age. As such, the threat of financial ruin is often worse than living with a spouse who despises them.
If a couple has been married for decades, a divorce would cause more upheaval than staying together ever could. One or both could lose their home and have to move into smaller spaces. They might also lose half of their retirement savings, as well as the financial protection that marriage offers. For many individuals, remaining married in an unhappy marriage offers far more benefits than separation ever could.
2. The sunk cost fallacy.
In a sunk-cost relationship situation, a person may feel that they have invested far too much time, energy, and money into their marriage to abandon it. Even though their spouse despises them (and might have made it abundantly clear that they don’t want to be together anymore), they refuse to accept this reality.
Acknowledging that this marriage is over means conceding defeat and having to start all over again, without anything to show for all the effort they invested. To them, it would be like a PhD candidate abandoning their pursuit halfway through their final defense and switching to a different career path entirely, which would require enrolling in a new undergrad program with no transferable credits. For many, this idea is too awful to contemplate, so they choose to stick it out instead.
3. Codependency.
We hear the word “codependency” a lot, but few people really understand what it means. In a dysfunctional codependent relationship, one person (the giver) is the one who sacrifices their mental, emotional, and possibly physical health for the sake of taking care of their spouse (the taker). This spouse may have difficulties with addiction, mental or physical health issues, or immaturity, and can’t function without their partner’s help.
Unfortunately, they’re usually fully aware that they’re incapable of functioning properly and resent their spouse for having to depend upon them. Meanwhile, the giving partner is run ragged caring for them while simultaneously being mistreated.
I have an aunt and uncle like this, and it’s excruciating to witness. They’ve been married for over 50 years, and have hated each other for most of that time. He insults her, uses her, and depends upon her for everything, and she excuses his behavior because it makes her feel needed and important. Only once has she admitted to looking forward to his death because then she’ll finally feel “free.”
4. They’re incapable of living alone.
A surprising number of people aren’t just terrified of living alone — they’re unable to do so. It’s difficult enough for physically healthy, young, single people to balance work and domestic obligations, but it can be impossible for a disabled older individual to handle on their own. If this person has physical limitations, can’t drive, and/or needs assistance with food preparation or self-care, then living alone is a terrifying (and likely implausible) prospect.
Furthermore, living alone isn’t necessarily financially viable for a lot of older people, especially those who are on limited pensions or other benefits. Between exorbitant housing fees and an ever-rising cost of food and medicine, a single income may not be sufficient for someone to get their basic needs met. Even assisted living facilities may be beyond the financial means of many who recognize that they can’t live on their own.
So instead, they stay.
5. They don’t have any other support network.
A person who doesn’t have family or a close social circle, or who moved to another country to be with their spouse, may not have any support network beyond their partner and that partner’s family. Because of this, they risk experiencing an immense amount of difficulty and loneliness if they leave their spouse. They’ll essentially be all alone in the world, with no emotional, physical, or financial safety net.
Generally speaking, humans are incredibly social creatures by nature, and we depend upon one another in order to thrive. This is why banishment was such an effective means of punishment in the past: a person who became a social pariah was much less likely to survive than one with strong community connections.
6. Societal obligation (and potential punishment for going against it).
In some cultures and religious communities, divorce either isn’t an option or is seen as such a shameful option that the person who initiates it risks being shunned. To them, the “‘til death do us part” part of the wedding vow isn’t just a serving suggestion, but is set in stone instead.
For some, divorce is seen as a terrible tragedy, and the divorced spouses are forbidden from remarrying. As such, people are often stuck living in miserable marriages with spouses who openly despise them because to do otherwise is unthinkable. Furthermore, there may be social punishment for ending the marriage, such as losing custody of children or forfeiting personal assets.
7. The misguided hope that things will eventually get better.
“We’re just going through a rough patch.” “He’s just been stressed with work.” “She hasn’t been sleeping much, but it’ll get better when the kids are older.” Over the years, a litany of excuses may have been offered to explain why they haven’t left the person who treats them like complete garbage.
If things haven’t improved yet, they’re highly unlikely to do so. Yet many people stubbornly refuse to give up, and believe that if they just keep showering the spouse who loathes them with kindness, love, and patience, those gestures will eventually be rewarded with real reciprocation.
8. They’re afraid for their safety if they leave.
It’s a sad truth that a lot of people — mostly women — stay married to a spouse who despises them because they’re terrified of what might happen to them if they leave. These people have grown accustomed to the abuse they’ve been put through in their marriage and have learned how to deal with it well enough, but they’ve likely been threatened with severe consequences if they try to leave.
Often, the two times when a woman in an abusive situation is most vulnerable are when she’s pregnant and when she attempts to leave the relationship. Disturbingly, statistics show that 70 percent of intimate partner homicides occur shortly after separation. As a result, many individuals choose to remain with spouses who openly despise them because, although they may be in an awful marriage, at least they’re still alive.
Final thoughts…
There’s no right or wrong answer in situations like this because they’re so complicated. In fact, there may be many reasons why someone has chosen to stay married rather than leave a toxic relationship.
Although it’s normal to be frustrated when someone isn’t taking action to free themselves from a spouse who hates them, it’s important to be as supportive as possible while still maintaining emotional distance. This person will either get divorced eventually, or they won’t. The choice is theirs.
