Many of us look forward to marriage because we dream of growing old with an amazing partner; someone who will be by our side through thick and thin, with whom we can build a life, travel, and so on.
As such, it’s terribly disappointing when that person turns out to be a perpetual teenager who shirks responsibility, needs help with everything, and gets petulant when asked to step up and be an adult. If your husband behaves in this manner, it’s time to start doing these things:
1. Actually call him out on his behavior.
In my previous relationship, my long-term partner made plenty of promises about things he was going to do around the house, but never actually got around to doing them. Instead, he abandoned responsibility in favor of playing computer games, spending money on collectibles instead of bills, and so on.
When I got upset with him, he told me to stop treating him like he was a child, to which I responded that I’d do so when he stopped behaving like one. It turns out his previous partner had never actually called him out on this behavior: she simply cried a lot, and their relationship broke down until it finally ended. Holding a mirror up to my partner’s actions was a much-needed wake-up call for him about being an equal rather than a dependent.
It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes people don’t realize how they are behaving until they are clearly told. As such, be sure you have actually pointed out to them what is happening and give them the benefit of the doubt to start with.
2. Determine whether this is chosen behavior or a neurodivergent response.
If your husband’s maturity seems to have stagnated in his teens, it’s worth considering that he may be neurodivergent, for example, autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD). In fact, what many people dismiss as laziness and immaturity is simply a different way of experiencing the world.
As such, where you’re seeing irresponsibility, lack of carrying his weight, and juvenile responses, he’s experiencing crippling executive dysfunction, anxiety, sensory overload, time blindness, and task paralysis.
These are not choices but genuine struggles caused by the unique wiring of the neurodivergent brain. And it’s worth pointing out that, whilst frustrating, it also often comes with many amazing qualities. Qualities such as creativity, spontaneity, loyalty, empathy, passion, and more.
Should this seem possible, you might want to broach the topic with your husband. Many people are discovering their neurodivergence later in life, and whether they choose to seek assessment or simply learn more, the knowledge can be empowering.
Once you have a solid idea of where your respective strengths and challenges lie, you can take steps to negotiate them in a healthier manner together. Body doubling, utilising technology for reminders, and doing tasks in small bursts can make these responsibilities more manageable for someone who struggles with executive function. As can divvying out tasks based on each individual’s strengths and preferences, so long as one isn’t carrying significantly more of the load.
3. Stop enabling his juvenile behavior.
It’s a harsh thing to come to terms with, but if your husband has been acting like a child for some time, you need to ask yourself whether you’ve been enabling any of his behavior.
For example, have you been picking up his filthy laundry when he’s thrown it on the floor instead of the laundry basket or hamper? Or saying that it’s okay for him to shirk his household responsibilities and that you’ll take care of them instead?
Take stock of all the ways you’ve been enabling his behavior and stop them immediately. Stop cleaning up his messes or stepping in when he’s being irresponsible. Essentially, don’t do anything for him that he’s capable of doing for himself.
If there are negative consequences for his poor behavior, such as being late for work because he didn’t set his own alarm, or going hungry because he forgot his lunch, so be it. He’ll learn, and hopefully grow up a bit.
4. Make it abundantly clear that you aren’t attracted to childish behavior.
A woman posted on social media the other day that when she was out clothes shopping, a man at the store mentioned that he has no idea what size he wears because his wife buys all his clothes for him. Her response was to ask whether he said “Dress me, mommy!” with his arms up every morning as well. Sadly, although it was an amusing story, this is the reality that many women deal with on a regular basis.
Women aren’t attracted to juveniles, so when men exhibit juvenile behavior, that often destroys their wives’ desire to be intimate with them. If your husband has been complaining that you aren’t having sex anymore, be transparent about the fact that this is directly caused by his childlike behavior. If he doesn’t step up and start behaving like the adult man he is, you won’t be interested in sleeping with him any time soon.
5. Establish expectations regarding downtime vs. responsibility.
Everybody has the right to do the things that bring them joy, especially when it comes to decompressing from daily stresses. The key is balance: both with work-life-fun responsibilities, and in ensuring that each partner has their fair share of decompression time.
If one partner gets to spend every evening doing fun things after work while the other is doing the lion’s share of house chores, barely having any time to themselves, then that’s not fair.
Make it clear that things need to be balanced in this regard, and if necessary, establish firm boundaries about downtime, household responsibilities, errands, child and elder care, and so on. If there are complaints, reiterate the fact that you two are partners, not parent and child, and your relationship needs to be balanced accordingly.
6. Avoid the temptation to punish and/or reward various behaviors.
If the approaches you’ve used to try to get your husband to mature have involved everything from begging and cajoling to yelling or threatening, with little change in his actions, avoid the temptation to either punish or reward his behavior. While it may be tempting to do so, and you’d undoubtedly see forward momentum if you do, it’s simply reinforcing the parent-child dynamic you’re trying to free yourself from.
You may get great satisfaction from changing the WiFi password and only giving it to him once his chores are done, or baking him treats when he behaves responsibly, but this places you even more firmly in mom-land than you were before.
7. Have open communication about how you’re both feeling.
Some people regress to teen-like behavior when they feel scared or uncertain about things that are going on in their lives. For example, when faced with the stark reality of aging, illness, losing their parents, or overwhelming responsibility, they withdraw into an emotional place where they once felt safe and happy, such as the nostalgia of being a carefree teen who was taken care of by their parents.
If your husband doesn’t have a strong set of coping mechanisms, he may not know how to communicate his fears with you, or he might be afraid of showing vulnerability by admitting what he’s feeling. Furthermore, he may not be aware of just how badly his behavior is affecting you. Have an open, loving, caring dialogue that allows both of you to express what you’re feeling, and determine the best ways you can support each other as you move forward, together.
8. Take some time apart.
Quite often, husbands don’t recognize just how much labor their wives do — physical, mental, and emotional — on a daily basis, until she’s not there to do the lion’s share anymore.
This is a key reason why 61 percent of men remarry or find a new partner within two years of getting widowed or divorced. Rather than starting a new relationship out of loneliness, they realize just how much their wives did, and they either don’t want to or can’t carry that labor themselves.
If it’s feasible, go away for a couple of weeks so your husband has to fend for himself for a while. Give him the opportunity to see firsthand what you tackle on a daily basis, from meal planning and preparation to household chores, appointment making, family care (including pets, if there are any), and so on. This type of experience can often cause an epiphanic wake-up call for an immature husband who’s eschewing responsibility.
9. Consider the real possibility that your husband will never change.
If the things mentioned here don’t work, or if they create tension at home that becomes unbearable, you may have to face the very real possibility that your husband will never grow up. He’ll age physically, of course, but his mental and emotional development will remain arrested around the age of 16.
In a case like this, you’ll need to determine whether you’re prepared to spend the rest of your life parenting your partner or if it’s better if you part ways. It’s not an easy choice to make by any means, but ultimately, you can’t force another person to change. The only thing you can change is what you’re willing to tolerate.
Final thoughts…
If you got together with your husband when you were still quite young, then his immaturity may not have been immediately apparent. Alternatively, you might have assumed that he’d grow out of it as you aged and he matured accordingly. But he didn’t. You matured, but he stalled in an eternal adolescence.
There was no way for you to know that this would happen, so don’t blame yourself for choosing unwisely. You made the best choice possible at the time, and now that you have greater clarity, you can choose the best route to take from here.
