Why are people patronizing? In many cases, it’s a passive-aggressive way for someone to communicate some form of personal unhappiness without starting a fight. Most people don’t want to appear to be the bad guy, even when they are doing socially unacceptable things that they know to be wrong.
Patronization provides a degree of plausible deniability, which allows them to excuse their bad behavior. Sometimes they actively decide to do that, other times it could just be their dislike showing. According to psychologists, condescending behavior may also stem from insecurity, past trauma, or stress and frustration rather than active dislike or disrespect.
But whatever the cause, how do you handle patronization?
1. Keep Calm And Stay Composed
Patronizing people are often trying to provoke a reaction from you. Of course, you don’t deserve to be treated with snarkiness and disrespect, but if you snap at them, they will turn it back around on you, saying, “There’s no need to be rude,” or “I didn’t mean anything by that. What’s your problem?”
Other people who aren’t perceptive will then see you as the problem, giving the patronizer leverage to manipulate them against you. So keep calm, stay composed, and let your cool demeanor communicate that their negative behavior doesn’t bother you.
Be prepared and aware that they may dig a bit harder at you. If they want a response, they may just keep pushing until they get one. Do respond, but don’t do it with anger, if possible.
2. Call Out Their Behavior Politely
A direct call out can catch the patronizer off guard and force them to adjust their attitude. Patronization is passive-aggressive behavior, and passive-aggressive people are usually trying to avoid direct confrontation for whatever reason. By calling them out, you make the conflict direct rather than indirect.
“I can’t help but notice that you sound like you’re talking down to me. Can we discuss the problem respectfully?”
Not only will that derail the passive-aggressive behavior, but it will also help clear the air of any legitimate issues because communication is open. Sometimes miscommunications happen because some people may sound condescending even when they don’t mean to be.
3. Ask Clarifying Questions
The fun thing about patronization is that it’s often a superficial structure built on shaky ground. A person who has legitimate criticisms or problems will typically point to those legitimate issues because they are strong. Instead, patronizing people will point to things they either assumed or fabricated out of thin air to support their negativity.
Ask questions and watch their house of cards come tumbling down. Ask specifics about their statement. What did you mean by that? What exactly is wrong with XYZ? What should have been done instead? What would you have done?
This really throws them off because patronizing people often think that you won’t question or push back. If you do, you can dramatically shift the conversation in a productive way.
4. Set And Enforce Clear Boundaries
There are times when someone is in a bad mood and they just aren’t paying attention to how they’re speaking to others. It happens. Decent people sometimes let their negative emotions filter into other areas of their lives. However, some people are just passive-aggressive and patronizing because they genuinely do believe they are better than others.
In either scenario, boundaries are essential. Psychotherapist Avery Neal writes that boundaries are an act of self-respect, and self-respect does not let us tolerate others treating us poorly. If it’s a repeated issue, then you may need to erect a solid boundary to keep the other person from crossing the line. Just something simple like, “I prefer conversations to be respectful. If that’s not possible right now, we can pause this and come back to it later.”
They will either get with the program and adjust their approach, or the conversation ends. You may not always have that option, like if you’re at work, but it is quite effective if you can use it.
5. Repeat Their Words Back
Sometimes, condescending people don’t realize the way they speak to people. Irritation and annoyance can seep out in ways that they aren’t intending, even when they do have good intentions. Instead of directly calling attention to it, you can try repeating their words back to them in a more neutral tone so that they can hear what they’re saying.
“So, if you’re saying that ‘I wouldn’t understand,’ would you mind clarifying why you think that?”
This approach is beneficial to you because it’s not directly causing conflict, which the patronizer can weaponize against you by saying you misunderstood them. It also provides an easy out for them to change their approach by clarifying, or digging their own grave deeper by doubling down.
6. Just Walk Away From The Situation
Sometimes, the best response is no response. It may be better to protect your own energy than to engage with someone who resists polite correction. Some people are just jerks. It’s a total waste of time and energy to try to correct them because they fully mean what they say or what they’re doing.
Disengaging and removing yourself from the conversation altogether protects your peace while sending the message that their behavior is unacceptable. Not every battle is worth fighting.
Personally, I spent years not walking away from these kinds of situations. After all, isn’t walking away the wrong thing to do? Don’t you need to stand up for yourself? Well, yes and no. The issue is that I was always engaging with these people, even when there was no chance they were going to change their ways.
Instead, I learned to protect my peace by walking away from this kind of behavior. It’s not my responsibility to try to change anyone else’s behavior. Plus, they usually don’t want to change, so it’s a total waste of time and energy, anyway.
7. Use Humor To Defuse Tension
A well-timed joke can lighten the tension in any awkward or hostile social situation if done right. The key is to make the joke about what is currently going on or being said rather than at anyone’s expense. If you make it at their expense, that’s likely to spark a full-on argument because they may be looking for a reason to be offended.
Instead, you can opt for a softer approach like, “Wow! And here I was thinking I already knew how to handle that…”
8. Document Behavior And Escalate if Needed
In a professional setting, documenting and reporting the behavior may be necessary to ensure a healthy work environment for you. People don’t have the right to treat you like garbage just because you’re on the clock or working for them. If the behavior is persistent and harmful, that can translate into creating a hostile workplace or even bullying, which is not something companies want to contend with.
Escalate the situation through the appropriate channels, whether it’s through HR or management. If you’re having issues with your direct management, you may have to go above them to get the situation handled. Of course, use your best judgment. If the situation gets worse, it may evolve into harassment, where an attorney should be involved.
9. Don’t Take It Personally
Patronizing behavior isn’t about you at all. It’s about the patronizer, their insecurities, and crappy attitude. People who can deal with conflicts in a healthy, direct way don’t feel the need to take passive-aggressive swipes at you. Instead, they just bring up their issue directly to be handled.
No, these people want to avoid direct confrontation for whatever reason they have. Don’t let yourself get sucked into a pool of doubt about what you’re doing right or wrong. The patronizer may just want to manipulate you by making you question yourself.
Final Thoughts…
In most cases, patronization is a passive-aggressive way for people to express their disrespect and disapproval, but it says more about them than you. It says that they aren’t willing or able to be direct about their issues. Once you understand that, it’s much easier to navigate around these people because you can learn not to take offense and respond with directness.
The direct response will almost always throw passive-aggressive people off their game because that’s just not how they function. Keep that in mind when you inevitably need to deal with these people, and it all gets much easier.
