When a couple gets together, the physical connection between them can be incandescent. They’ll spend as much time in bed as possible, can’t imagine life without one another, and share suggestive glances in public on the regular.
So how does passion like that fade to the relationship equivalent of a bowl of lukewarm porridge? A surprising number of couples drift into comfortable, platonic dynamics without either partner wondering how exactly that happened. According to psychology, here are some of the key reasons why.
1. The demands of life mean both partners prioritize alone time rather than joint pursuits.
When people’s lives are busy and chaotic, they treasure the little amount of alone time they’re allowed to have. As a result, after work and domestic responsibilities are taken care of, people often want to retreat into their own space and do their own thing instead of socializing. All they’ve been dreaming about all day is a few minutes to themselves in blissful silence so they can read, or watch their show, or do some crafts, or roll up some giant Katamari balls on their Switch.
While it’s often the case that both partners still love to spend time together, they also desperately need alone time, as Psychology Today reports. The more they have to attend to other people’s demands, the more they want to be left alone to do their own thing.
And whilst alone time is certainly beneficial to a relationship in small amounts, unfortunately, over time, the pressures of life may result in them wanting to be alone more than they want to pursue things together, which creates a romantically empty existence.
2. Persistent physical health issues create psychological barriers to intimacy.
It’s a sad truth that many of the persistent health issues that arise throughout our lives can put a serious damper on romance. This is especially true if health issues have caused someone’s self-esteem to take a deep dive because they affect someone’s appearance or physical ability.
Though the issues begin as physical, they can manifest in psychological challenges. For example, self-consciousness can make a person avoid physical intimacy and can cause issues with performance.
This can result in the couple’s intimate life being put on the back burner until things improve. They may still enjoy spending time together, but that closeness becomes more platonic rather than amorous.
3. Habituation boredom often sets in.
This is something that happens when we end up deriving less happiness from the things that are around us all the time. Our brains are hardwired to “get used to” the familiar, so things that once excited us end up being old hat, and don’t bring us the same satisfaction that they once did. It’s actually an evolutionary survival mechanism: by tuning out the familiar, constant things in your environment, your brain is better able to pay attention to sudden changes that might signal threat.
As such, in relationships, the electricity that may have flowed between partners early in their relationship inevitably fizzles, and it’s very difficult to make that dopamine spike in the same way again. With conscious effort, you can stop it from being completely extinguished, but many of us neglect to make that effort.
Most of us have experienced things like this in partnerships, and it can be terribly disheartening. A person may love pizza more than anything in the world, but they’re going to lose their passion for it if they eat it every night, forever. In fact, most people will end up fantasizing about sushi, curry, or any other savory dish that isn’t pizza, just to break up the monotony.
4. Stress and emotional overwhelm put a damper on intimacy.
Much like physical health concerns, stress and emotional overwhelm can reduce people’s capacity for physical intimacy exponentially. This can lead to long bouts of celibacy in couples, especially if the stressful situations being navigated last quite a while. The longer they go on, the less intimacy ends up happening because of overstimulation and nervous system burnout.
This can end up alienating the partners because it’s been so long since they had a frolic together. As such, even when stress levels ease a little bit, and they have opportunities for greater closeness, they may feel awkward about intimacy or feel like they’re trying to force it. That can push them right back into platonic land.
5. Familiarity can breed a sibling- or housemate-like rapport.
Couples who spend most of their time together (i.e., if they both work from home) can develop a rapport that’s more like siblings or housemates. This can also happen when their relationship is more business-like and geared towards problem-solving and getting tasks done than personal intimacy. It also happens when couples don’t have an opportunity to miss one another.
Those who work outside the house or go away regularly get to catch up over dinner. They also get to miss each other’s company and tumble into each other’s arms when they get to see each other again. In contrast, a lack of absence can result in time together being taken for granted, even though it’s appreciated.
Their connection may be a calm, comfortable one, and they still love each other dearly, but ensuring that the household remains a well-oiled machine and lounging together in hideous PJs to unwind takes precedence over date night or regular physical intimacy.
6. Resentment causes distance between people.
It’s very difficult to be intimate with someone you resent. As a result, if one partner feels resentful towards the other for issues within the relationship, they might either be unwilling to be physically intimate or may refuse it as a form of passive-aggressive punishment.
Neglect, imbalance of home responsibilities, and financial strain are some of the most common reasons why this can happen, according to psychology. For example, in a skewed financial dynamic wherein one partner feels forced to overwork because the other isn’t bringing in their fair share, resentment can even grow into contempt. It’s difficult to be intimate when one person feels that they’re being unfairly used by the other without reciprocation.
7. Avoidance and maintaining the status quo are easier than confronting issues head-on.
Letting sleeping dogs lie is a common coping technique that many people use to avoid dealing with issues they’d rather not confront. They maintain the status quo to the best of their ability by avoiding any discussions related to the problem, and finding countless ways to side-step or otherwise maneuver their way away from it when and if it’s mentioned.
The thing is, avoiding an issue doesn’t make it go away. It becomes a giant elephant in the room that hovers over both of them if intimacy is ever on the table. This links to a romantically empty coexistence because keeping your emotional and romantic distance from someone allows this avoidance of other issues to be maintained far more easily than if romantic connections were being nurtured.
8. Because a parent-child dynamic has evolved in the relationship.
A lot of people get together when they’re quite young and are still fairly new to the world. They may learn how to navigate adulthood together, such as figuring out how to cook, how to fix things around the house, how to balance their financial responsibilities, and so on. That’s expected, and is how people learn how to be “grown-ups.”
What isn’t expected, however, is when one person keeps maturing while the other stagnates. This can happen due to what psychologists call “Peter Pan syndrome”, in which one of the partners refuses to grow up for various reasons. Others may have avoidant personality disorder, or developmental arrest due to past traumas. Either way, it results in a dynamic wherein one partner is essentially parenting the other. As you can imagine, that does not lead to a healthy intimate life.
Final thoughts…
If you feel that you and your spouse are heading into platonic territory (or you’ve been there for a while and you aren’t sure what to do about it), the first thing you need to do is address the pachyderm in the room.
Talking with your partner about this isn’t going to be easy, but you’re in this partnership for many reasons, not least of which is the (hopefully) loving, supportive rapport that you share. Once you figure out the reasons behind the lack of intimacy between you, then you can put a plan into action to redress it.
