How often have you looked at people and admired their confidence, but felt like something “wasn’t quite right” with their demeanor? Quite often, those who appear immensely confident and self-assured experience crippling insecurity just below the surface. Although they might be able to maintain that facade for a while, there will inevitably be cracks in the surface that will allow their true feelings to shine through.
The subtle behaviors listed here are often exhibited by those who are working very hard to convince everyone that they believe in themselves, but actually feel very small inside.
1. Undermining their own words with jokes or self-deprecation.
You can often tell when someone’s confidence is actually a thin veneer when they take the wind out of their own sails on a regular basis. For example, instead of stating something confidently, they’ll mention it casually to gauge what others think and say about it. If it doesn’t gain immediate approval, they might brush it off with a comment like “but what do I know?!” to prevent others from thinking poorly of them.
The problem with this is that it creates a vicious cycle. According to Psychology Today, although self-deprecating humor can help those with low self-confidence avoid discomfort in social interactions, it can actually make their self-confidence worse in the long term. Basically, they start to believe their own negative self-talk, which will make them think even more poorly of themselves, thus requiring more self-deprecation, ad infinitum.
2. Mimicking and mirroring.
Most of us mirror or emulate those around us as a means of social integration. You’ll notice this if you ever decide to observe those interacting around you. Dr. Jeff Thompson tells us that many people will mirror their companions’ body language, facial and hand gestures, and even speech patterns in order to fit in.
Those who have very low self-confidence often prioritize this type of behavior because they don’t feel confident having a distinctly different personality from those around them. Instead, they strive for sameness because it carries less risk of rejection or social isolation. This behavior is particularly common in teenagers, but can carry on well into adulthood, especially when there are high-ranking cliques in play.
3. Only interacting with others in short bursts.
A lot of people who seem confident but actually lack confidence deep down will end up being known as “social butterflies”. They’re the ones who will sweep dramatically into events, cheek-kiss everyone present, do something terribly charming, and then apologize profusely for not being able to stay, darlings.
I came across this type of behavior often when I was working in the entertainment industry. Many people would be quite surprised to discover just how many of the people they see on stage and screen suffer from low self-confidence, and who only manage to keep themselves together long enough to socialize briefly before running back to their hotel rooms to recuperate.
4. Always needing to be the most well-informed (or right).
People whose confidence is paper-thin will often try to overcompensate by trying to be strong in areas that will draw admiration from others. For example, someone who’s physically small or not conventionally attractive might try to become as knowledgeable as possible about their niche interest. This way, they can gain respect through expertise rather than power or physical attention.
Another aspect to this is that they’ll try to be right all the time. In fact, they don’t admit to being wrong very easily, and even if others bring evidence to the table that contradicts their claim, they’ll try to argue it down rather than accepting the error.
5. Reacting over-emotionally to criticism or setbacks.
Have you ever come across a person who seemed unreasonably defeated by the first hint of a setback, or who seemed devastated by passing criticism that someone else would simply shrug off? These subtle behaviors may seem a bit weird to you, but they’re solid signs that the person in question has seriously low self-confidence.
Those who react poorly to criticism or difficulty will often withdraw to soothe themselves and regroup. In fact, they may stay away from most interactions until such time as they feel confident in themselves again, specifically so they don’t have to face the potential discomfort of a critique or rejection.
6. Asking for advice and reassurance about decision making.
Those whose confidence is thinner than tissue usually have difficulty making decisions on their own. Instead of doing research and then choosing what they feel is right for them, they’ll ask everyone around them for their opinions and then agonize over what the “right” course of action may be. Furthermore, they’ll get tied up in knots if their own leanings don’t fall in line with what others will approve of most.
As a result, they’ll often turn into “ask-holes” and ask the same questions over and over again in the hope that they’ll be given the answer they actually want. Then, once they feel that they’ve settled on a direction, they’ll ask for constant reassurance that they’re doing the right thing. They want to give the appearance of confidence, so they’ll brush this off by talking about how silly they are, but will then ask for reassurance again.
7. Frequent reinvention.
Those with low confidence generally thrive on positive feedback and reinforcement. If they stop receiving a sufficient feed, they start to doubt themselves, and their already abysmal self-confidence may drop even further. Due to this need for external acknowledgement and admiration, people who fall into this category will often reinvent themselves regularly so they remain relevant (and admired) in other people’s eyes.
Some might change their personal aesthetics regularly so they remain the talk of the town, or they may get involved in events that paint them in a positive light. For example, they might take part in a high-status charity fundraising event so others will acknowledge how benevolent they are, even if they’ve never shown any interest in that charity before.
8. Holding grudges seemingly forever (and/or taking revenge).
Since people with low self-confidence thrive on other people’s approval, those who criticize, reject, or otherwise hurt them will be on their naughty list forever. In fact, they might even go so far as to retaliate against those whom they perceive to have wronged them in some way.
For example, let’s say someone was bullied by a peer back in high school. Fast forward 20 or 30 years, and they might find themselves in a position where they could either help or hinder that former bully’s career. Instead of taking the past interaction in context (i.e., teenagers being ridiculous), they continue to hold a grudge and use that opportunity to get back at them for that thing they did.
9. Gentle (but insincere) generosity.
You may not generally associate generosity with low self-confidence, but it’s often a means of ingratiating oneself to others. Those who lack self-esteem will often try to “buy” people’s admiration and friendship by giving them gifts or going out of their way to help them.
This is different from ostentatious pandering that narcissists often use, and instead revolves around actions that could be perceived as tiny, kind acts of service. In fact, it may be nearly impossible to distinguish these actions from actual generosity until years later, when it becomes apparent that everything they did was calculated gameplay.
Final thoughts…
If you come across these behaviors in a person, you might feel inclined to be contemptuous of their insincerity. Try to see through it and recognize that for them to have such low self-confidence, someone (or many people) must have been unkind to them in the past.
Furthermore, just because they have low self-esteem doesn’t mean that they aren’t good people once you get past their defenses and get to know them. Similarly, if any of these behaviors apply to you, there are steps you can take to improve your confidence and build self-esteem, starting with being kind to yourself and knowing that you’re more than the sum of what others think of you.
