We’ve all known people who have radiated confidence like a teenage football player radiates B.O. after a game. It practically glows as it’s coming off them, and those who bask in said radiance can’t help but admire these people for their self-assurance and poise. The thing is, there’s a huge difference between someone who’s actually self-confident and one who’s simply pretending to be. Keep an eye out for the behaviors listed below, as they may offer a glimpse into the fierce insecurities that belie the confident facade someone presents to the world.
1 They’re rude about others who openly lack confidence.
If someone is being rude towards others who seem genuinely confident, that’s often a clear sign they’re feeling challenged by that display. Those who lack confidence tend to resent those who seem to be effortlessly self-assured and composed, and therefore tend to be rude and disdainful towards the sincerely confident.
As an example, an insecure person who puts on an act of self-confidence might project their own inauthentic behavior onto another and accuse that other person of being fake, according to Psych Central. Alternatively, they might imply that this other person is being insincere and toxic, and that they’re using their supposed confidence to manipulate those around them.
2. Their veneer crumbles in a crisis.
You can tell whether a person is truly confident or not by how they behave in a challenging or crisis situation. This is the type of person who brags to others about how brave and capable they are, but when sh*t hits the fan, they crumple and dissolve into tears. A perfect example of this would be someone who has mocked others for being afraid of heights, but wets themselves when they lose their grip while trying rock climbing for the first time.
I’ve witnessed this kind of behavior firsthand, but one experience that stands out was when I attended a music festival with a group of friends and acquaintances. This one guy gave the impression of being this super-cool hippie dude who lived off the land, had done all kinds of spirit journeys, etc. Well, he took some shrooms at this festival and was soon blubbering like a little kid; admitted that his “wildcrafting” and camping experience consisted of setting up a tent on his uncle’s land (where he could still get WiFi), and he curled up in a ball until the trip finally passed.
3. They overcompensate.
Psychology Today tells us that most secretly insecure people try to puff themselves up in an attempt to overcompensate for their timidity. Some may try to be the most dominant personality in the room by raising their voice, using their body (if they’re tall or large), or laughing loudly. Others will try to antagonize or debate others, or might even resort to physical violence in an attempt to assert strength and dominance.
Others may overcompensate more subtly, such as by wearing an eye-catching outfit, or by flirting with other people’s partners/spouses to seek validation about their own attractiveness. They have little to no self-assurance on the inside, so they must outwardly over-emphasise the facade they’ve been cultivating. This is in complete contrast to sincerely confident and secure people, who are often very quiet and humble and don’t behave in a way that seeks attention or external validation.
4. They switch up partners before they get too close and realise the truth.
When a person is “fronting” very hard (i.e., carefully maintaining a curated facade), they’re always secretly terrified that others will clue into the reality that their behavior is all an act. As a result, insecure people tend to be serial monogamists who break off relationships as soon as their partners start to get too close to them.
After all, it’s pretty much impossible to maintain an act for a long period of time. That mask is going to drop eventually, and then the house of cards they’ve constructed will crumble around them. By ending things before anyone can get to know them too well, they can keep up the masquerade indefinitely.
5. They constantly measure themselves against others.
Truly confident people are secure in themselves and only measure themselves against their previous achievements. In contrast, insecure people tend to compare themselves to others and then take action to either compensate or gloat, depending on how they feel they’ve weighed up.
For example, someone who’s insecure about their body might puff up their chest or suck in their stomach when standing next to someone who’s more physically fit. Similarly, someone who feels that one of their peers is more popular might try to talk over them by being louder, laughing more, and so on.
These are behaviors of an individual who feels very small and is attempting to level the playing field. The irony here is that all the energy they’re putting into a sense of false self-confidence could be better directed towards genuine personal work, which would result in sincere gains in time.
6. They tear down those whom they perceive to be stronger, better, more attractive, etc.
Often, when people feel insecure, they attempt to invalidate and tear down those whom they perceive as better or more successful than themselves because they are jealous. They may attack their style of dress, their chosen hobbies, their careers, or even their personality and mannerisms.
You’ve likely seen this type of behavior in adolescent girls, but it can happen with just about anyone. I’ve witnessed it between colleagues in offices, and between guys at the gym as well: they insult and/or mock people who make them feel inferior in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
7. After a social interaction or presentation, they withdraw quickly.
They might give an amazing presentation to a stadium full of people, showing great confidence and enthusiasm, and are then nowhere to be found afterwards. This usually happens so they can go throw up and have a nervous breakdown backstage.
Believe it or not, a surprising number of those you think are confident are actually terribly insecure inside. They’ll be having rolling anxiety internally but behave in a way that gives the outward impression that they’re bubbly, confident, and having the time of their life. Then, when they finally can’t take it anymore, they’ll make an excuse as to why they have to leave right now, and they’ll go home, turn off all the lights, crawl into comfy PJs, and not speak to anyone for a couple of days while they regroup.
8. They give ever so subtle cries for help.
Many of us have found out that someone we knew has ended up sectioned or suddenly broke down and did something terrible to themselves, and that those around them had “no idea” that anything was wrong. In reality, they likely expressed their insecurities and struggles through social media posts, the art they create, the music they listen to, and so on.
Although someone’s behavior might beam out confidence and self-assuredness, they’ll often share subtle cries for help in the hope that someone might clue into the subtexts they’re sharing. Some might post quotes from self-help books on their profile pages, while others will share songs whose lyrics are all about breaking free from a prison of pretension, etc.
9. The cadence and inflection of their speech.
You can learn more about a person by how they speak than from what they’re saying. Pay attention to the people who seem confident, and listen carefully to the way they speak, especially to a group or to a perceived superior.
Whereas a truly confident person will speak with measured tones and articulate expression, an insecure one will often speak quickly, use filler words and phrases such as “like” and “okay”, and the last word of each sentence will be inflected upwards like a question, rather than a statement. The latter, in particular, is a sign of hesitance and intense insecurity, according to behavioral analyst Sophie Zaedeh, implying that the speaker doesn’t truly believe what they’re saying.
Final thoughts…
To overcome crippling insecurity, the best thing a person can do is work on the factors that are contributing to that feeling rather than compensating by putting others down or behaving inappropriately. This might require some time with a trusted therapist, especially if the insecurity was caused by other people’s cruelty in the past: formative conditioning often requires professional help to undo. Ultimately, however, real confidence often consists of a person discovering and embracing what they do best. When you find your natural skillset, sincere self-assurance, and dignity can’t help but establish themselves naturally.
