Although many of us hold firmly to the belief that all human beings have been created equal, unfortunately, not everyone subscribes to that ideal. In fact, a significant portion of the population thinks that they’re above those around them and treat their perceived lessers accordingly.
This elitist behavior isn’t always overt, but can manifest in things like body language or with certain turns of phrase. They may not come out and say outright that they think they’re superior to you, but if they use any phrases like the examples listed here, there’s a good chance it’s what they’re thinking.
1. “You wouldn’t understand this.”
People who feel that they’re above you because of their (often assumed) intellectual superiority or academic achievements will often behave in a patronizing manner towards others. They’ll assume that others couldn’t possibly understand what they’re talking about unless they had the same upbringing or education that they did, and will treat others like imbeciles rather than with respect.
Psychology Today tells us that this behavior often stems from intense insecurity, believe it or not. The person in question might have been mistreated by their peers in their youth and pursued higher education to gain the accolades they believed would earn them respect. They were made to feel so inferior and small in the past that they now try to turn things around and behave in a way that makes them feel superior and important. This can often backfire if and when the person they assumed to be some ill-educated lummox turns out to be more erudite than they are.
2. “Do you know who I am?”
If you’ve ever worked in the entertainment industry (or adjacent to it), you’ve likely come across people who have asked this question. A lot of folks who are in the public eye feel entitled to special treatment simply because others recognize them. In fact, science confirms that they often behave as though they’re superior to those around them, either because of their fame or their bank accounts. It’s often a regrettable quality of those who grew up rich.
Both my partner and I have experienced great satisfaction when people have asked us this “Don’t you know who I am?” type of question, and we’ve simply responded with “nope” and carried on with what we were doing. Their misplaced sense of superiority only works when others play along with them, so a lack of recognition completely takes the wind out of their sails.
3. “That’s what you’re here for.”
This phrase sucks when it comes from a boss, but it can be kind of understandable if you’ve been hired to do a specific task. Even when we’re technically subordinate to another person in a work environment, it still feels nice to be treated with respect and dignity. That said, while this phrase might be acceptable in certain employment environments, it’s inexcusable if it comes from a family member, partner, or peer.
If someone in any of those categories says it to you, it’s a sign of marked disrespect. It tells you that they see you as an object that exists for their use rather than an individual, and they think that they can get away with treating you as such.
As an aside, if they only treat you this way when there are other people around, that’s usually a sign that they feel threatened by you or insecure in your company. By putting you down (including as a “joke”), they’re trying to paint themselves as superior in contrast.
4. “I don’t need to learn that: you can do it.”
This is always a terribly charming thing to hear from someone who you thought actually respected or appreciated you. You might be in the midst of doing far more than you should, while the person in question is busy scrolling social media or texting with someone. When you ask if they can help you out, they reply with a phrase like this one.
You might have even told them that you’re willing to help them learn the task in question if they aren’t familiar with it, but no: they’ve made it abundantly clear — likely in front of others — that they believe you to be inferior to them. They don’t want to stoop to doing something so menial when someone else (i.e., their perceived subordinate) can do it for them.
Basically: “You do it, pleb”.
5. “I asked you nicely.”
This is a phrase that’s often used by parents towards their children, as it implies that the person being addressed doesn’t actually have a say in the matter, but is being spoken to as though they do. It gives the illusion of mutual respect and civility, but if the one being asked says “no” to that request, then the next step is to be ordered to do The Thing, rather than asked.
While this might be okay for a parent to use with a recalcitrant child who hasn’t made their bed in a month, it’s unacceptable from a partner or peer. If they get upset about you saying “no” to a request and reiterate that they asked you nicely, you can respond with a boundary-setting phrase like: “and I declined firmly”. This makes your stance abundantly clear and shows them that you refuse to let your boundaries be overstepped.
6. “Who’s the one in charge here?”
A phrase such as this one shows incredibly weak behaviour from a boss or leader and is completely beyond the pale if it comes from your family or friends. It’s petulant and childish, and gives the mental impression of a kid who’s been put in charge of their friends or siblings and is freaking out because nobody is paying attention to them.
Few people respect those who feel a need to keep reiterating that they’re the ones in charge. Essentially, strong leadership speaks for itself: a person who’s actually competent and a great manager will be listened to and respected accordingly.
7. “That’s cute.”
You’ve likely come across this one on social media: someone brings up a topic that interests them or shares an insight that just came to them, and some condescending jerk will respond with “that’s cute”, followed by a self-applauding tirade about how they figured that out a decade ago, and if the original poster really wants something to think about, they should read/research/watch X topic.
This type of phrase is another mark of massive insecurity on the part of the one who said it. They have an intense need to feel superior about something, so they’ll take their own experience out of context and belittle whoever is new to the topic, instead of being supportive or encouraging about the fact that they’re discovering this passion for the first time.
8. “Well, actually…”
Anyone who has spent time on the internet has come across This Person. They seem to have a perpetual need to slide into other people’s conversations and correct what they feel is a mistake, and they’re usually terribly arrogant and condescending while doing so. They always have to be right. Of course, this person isn’t even necessarily right, but that doesn’t matter — what matters is that they think they are, and they’re intent on everyone else believing that as well.
They might have heard something in a podcast or read it in passing and now cite it as an absolute fact, and often refuse to believe those who argue with firm facts or even well-established sources. They’ll choose their hills to die on and will ignore evidence to the contrary because admitting they’re wrong will mar their misplaced sense of superiority.
Final thoughts…
If someone uses any of these or similar phrases with you, be sure to call them out on their patronizing behavior. Some may have grown accustomed to being that way with others and don’t realize how condescending they are, while others are seeking to establish dominance and need to be reminded that they are not, in fact, above you.
People will treat you however you allow them to. As such, by making it clear that they can either respect you as an equal or stop interacting with you, you’ll put yourself in a position where you come out the winner either way.
