We hear a lot about “red flag” behavior from people, and a quick glance through social media will show countless people advising others to dump and run at the first sign of their appearance. But few take the time to delve into where these supposed flags originate, or whether they’re actually innocuous and being grossly misinterpreted through the viewer’s own lens.
The “red flags” listed below are some of the top ones mentioned online, but are usually only identified as such because of the observer’s personal biases and preferences rather than neutral observation (or even reality).
1. Not having a social media presence.
A lot of people think that a person who isn’t strongly present and active on social media is an instant “red flag” — that they have something to hide, or that they’re pretending to be someone they’re not. Some people have even gone on dates with individuals who have freaked out that they weren’t on social media, assumed that they were serial killers or similar, and severed ties with them immediately because they didn’t feel “safe”.
In reality, more and more people are realizing that being on social media is really unhealthy for them, and they’re choosing to quit it. They don’t feel a need to put every detail of their lives on display for all to see, nor do they want to waste time being a voyeur in other people’s online presence.
2. A poor relationship with their family.
It seems that for many people, a person who doesn’t have a close bond with their family is a glaring “red flag” that says this individual is bad news. After all, who doesn’t love their family, or want to spend time with them regularly? Well, those who have come from horribly dysfunctional or otherwise toxic family dynamics, for a start.
Those of us who grew up in abusive households with narcissistic parents often had to cut ties for the sake of our own survival. This is inconceivable to people who had loving, supportive families who have remained close throughout their lives. They misinterpret the lack of closeness as something wrong with the individual they’re dating, rather than acknowledging the strength it took to leave and make it through life on their own.
3. Having friends of the gender they normally date.
Friendship takes many forms, and just because a person is friends with someone, that doesn’t mean that these people want to be sexually intimate. For some reason, a lot of folks seem to think that people should only be friends with those of their own gender, and that anyone else who wants to be their friend has ulterior motives.
Where does this leave someone who’s bi or pansexual? Are they never allowed to have friends outside of their partnership, just in case they fall into bed with them?
If a person is dating you exclusively, it’s because you’re the only person they’re interested in being with. Should persistent feelings of jealousy or insecurity arise, you can communicate them without being accusatory and work together to create boundaries that work well for both of you.
4. Wanting alone time.
People need time to themselves to pursue their own interests. While some individuals might want to be glued to their partners 24/7, receiving all their time and attention, others need significantly more time to themselves. They aren’t checking their phone 100 times an hour or responding to texts within minutes: they’re immersed in whatever is replenishing their souls.
Nobody is an emotional support animal who needs to be available for all their partner’s whims on demand. They have the right to uninterrupted alone time, whether it’s spending time by themselves at home or going away for a few days to do their own thing.
5. Personal privacy.
Just because two people are in a romantic relationship, it doesn’t mean that they’re obligated to share their every thought, feeling, or interaction with each other. Individuals are absolutely allowed to keep things to themselves. They may not want to discuss a particular issue with anyone, or they might be having discussions with others that their partner isn’t privy to.
For example, let’s say a mutual friend of yours thinks their partner (also a mutual friend) is having an affair. They don’t want anyone else to know at this point, but they trust you and are leaning on you for support right now. This information doesn’t involve your partner, and telling them about it would betray your friend’s trust. As such, keeping mum on the subject isn’t a “red flag” at all: it’s simply a facet of one of your personal interactions that doesn’t need to be shared.
6. Remaining friends with past partners.
We’ll often see people talk about what a “red flag” it is for someone to remain friends with a past romantic partner, as though they expect all ties to be cut the moment the relationship ends. In reality, many people realize that just because they didn’t work out romantically, it doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a connection. Sometimes, people misinterpret a strong spark as romance when it’s really the beginning of an amazing friendship.
Staying friends with an ex is particularly important if they share children. This is because co-parenting with a person you get along with well is the best scenario possible for everyone. Those who consider these long-lasting bonds as warning signs often struggle with jealousy or insecurity, and are afraid that they’ll be abandoned by their partner returning to their ex.
7. Wanting “cool down” time during an argument or disagreement.
A startling number of people freak out if their partner wants to take a break from an argument and go for a walk or a drive to cool off a bit before continuing a heated discussion. They misinterpret this behavior as being disrespectful or manipulative, when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Many people prefer to let their emotions cool a bit so they can think clearly and regroup before continuing a discussion. They do this to regulate their own emotions so they can negotiate the situation calmly and rationally instead of escalating it. It’s the complete opposite of being disrespectful, as their goal is to find the most harmonious solution possible with the one they love.
8. Not being interested in or supportive of everything the other does.
There was a discussion on Reddit recently in which a woman was up in arms because her boyfriend wasn’t completely supportive of her decision to change menstrual products. Apparently, he had the audacity to tell her that he doesn’t need to know which type she used, and she was livid about it. This guy was simply being honest about the fact that he wasn’t all that interested in the subject, and that’s completely fair.
People aren’t obligated to be cheerleaders for every decision their partner makes in life. In fact, expecting constant support, reassurance, or celebration over the tiniest decision implies insecurity and a need for external validation.
In a situation like this, it’s good to note that if he had been inauthentic and expressed support for her decision without being sincere, that would also have been considered “red flag” behavior. Ultimately, it’s far better to be honest about not really being into a subject than to pretend and lie about it.
9. Being poor.
There are thousands of reasons why a person may not be terribly wealthy, and very few of them have to do with any moral failing on their part. Just because a person doesn’t own a car, or buys their clothes from thrift shops instead of luxury stores, that doesn’t mean they aren’t a wonderful human being and an amazing partner. They’ve likely experienced a number of difficulties that others haven’t had to navigate, and have done the best they could with what they had.
If someone is only interested in dating what they label as a “high-value” person who can lavish them with expensive gifts and holidays, that’s cool — that’s their personal preference. But not raking in a six-figure salary or owning a house isn’t a “red flag” at all, especially in this day and age where at least half of the world’s population is struggling financially.
Final thoughts…
A lot of people are very reactionary nowadays and are keen to categorize others into “good” or “bad” camps at the slightest provocation. Many are also fond of trying to diagnose or pathologize others instead of recognizing that we’re all multifaceted individuals trying to navigate life as best we can.
As such, a “red flag” for one person might be a “green flag” for another. It doesn’t mean that either person is evil, unstable, or downright wrong, but it’s just a solid indicator that they aren’t a good match for one another.
