When you make a decision, take up a new pursuit, or achieve something important to you, do you simply carry on with your life? Or announce it to everyone around you in order to feed off their praise and validation? Furthermore, do you base your life choices on how much approval you’ll receive from others, rather than your own sincere goals and interests?
Take a look at the behaviors listed below and determine whether you exhibit them on a regular basis. If you do, be aware of how they scream “I need validation!” every time.
1. Posting achievements and vulnerabilities for others’ support and reassurance.
I used to have a woman in my social circle who posted a new “coming out” video online every other week or so. She announced every choice she made as though it were a monumental act of bravery on her part, seeking approval and validation every time. This ranged from admitting that she was now a vegetarian to tearfully confessing that she was studying Buddhism, getting a tattoo, using only natural hair dye, and so on.
According to Psychology Today, this is a type of reassurance-seeking behavior that’s become quite common online. You may not realize it, but what you post on social media says a lot about you. When people are feeling insecure, they’ll post things in order for others to offer them praise and positivity. This does little to address the underlying issues, but the temporary dopamine spikes can make you feel a bit better in the short term.
2. Changing your stance on subjects to match public opinion.
You might have been dead-set against a particular issue for years, but you’re suddenly posting in support of it on social media because that’s what everyone else is doing. Since you’ve never expressed this stance publicly — just to those close to you — there are few, if any, who could call you out on your hypocrisy, and you can maintain that you’ve always supported the thing in question, of course!
The issue might be anathema to your being, but you place greater importance on gaining acceptance from the crowd than maintaining courage in your convictions. In your mind, being thought of poorly by others is a fate worse than death, so you’ll maintain whatever charade is needed to avoid it.
3. Constant approval seeking.
People whose childhoods were lacking in loving support and approval often grow into adults who need constant external validation, according to Psych Central. As a result, they may indulge in approval-seeking behavior, which places immense importance on how others perceive them.
For example, you might choose clothing, possessions, and hobbies that earn you praise from others, rather than risking potential bullying or disapproval. You may not even be interested in these things, but adopt them into your lifestyle because of the positive reinforcement you’ll receive by doing so.
4. Perpetually trying to get others aboard your train.
People who need validation often try to convince others to make the same life choices that they have because they need external approval that their choice is the correct one. For instance, someone who has chosen to have children may try to pressure their peers into doing so as well, while another person who has chosen a particular diet might make it a personal mission to convert others to follow suit, citing anything from ethics to ultimate health as a reason why they should.
Essentially, they behave as though the other person needs to be shown the light of truth, which will validate and reinforce their own choices. This is especially true for those who felt coerced into making these choices or otherwise have regrets about the path they’ve chosen. They’ve lost so much time and energy in this pursuit that they feel they can only recoup their losses by drawing others into the fold, so to speak.
5. Adapting who you are to garner positive attention.
You may have absolutely zero interest in the career you’re pursuing, but you’re pouring everything you have into it because of the prestige you’ll gain. Similarly, you may not care much for degrees under your belt, but you love the deference you receive when you introduce yourself as “doctor”. The same could be said for publicity stunts or causes you engage in: in fact, you may not have any emotional connection to them at all. It’s all just attention-seeking.
It’s possible that you may not even remember who your authentic self really is. You thrive on the positive attention you get when people recognize you in public or admire things that you have achieved, but they all feel rather hollow and empty to you.
What would truly make you feel happy and fulfilled if there were nobody else around to judge you?
6. Cultivating relationships that will boost your “value” in other people’s eyes.
Do you often find yourself name-dropping in conversation to prove to others just how special you are? Maybe you’re on a first-name basis with a local celebrity, or you did some extra work on a film, and you now make references to the actors you “befriended” every time you interact with your social circle? This kind of behaviour tells others that you care far too much about what others think of you and that the only time you feel like a valued individual is when others recognize that Important People Know You.
Deep down, you may feel like you don’t have much to offer the world on your own, so you ally yourself with those in the public eye to be special by proxy. You may not have any sincere interest in these people — in fact, you may not even like them — but you’ll befriend, date, or align yourself with them so you can benefit from their popularity.
7. Putting others down while simultaneously boasting about yourself.
No matter what someone else has achieved or attained, yours is better. Instead of acknowledging that everyone is on their own journey, evolving and learning at their own pace, you belittle people’s achievements and make every interaction an exercise in one-upmanship.
For example, if your friend successfully got their driver’s license, you’ll joke about how long it took them to do so while simultaneously bragging about how you got yours in record time and received a car as a gift from your parents. Alternatively, if someone’s talking about how excited they are to visit another country for the first time, you might roll your eyes and talk about how boring it is after you’ve been there more times than you can count.
8. Hijacking events for your own benefit.
It’s someone’s birthday, but suddenly you have a health issue or emergency that requires everyone to redirect energy and resources towards your needs. Or perhaps, when you attend a wedding, you’ll either wear something ostentatious in order to make a scene or decide to propose to your partner during the bouquet toss to bring attention back to yourself.
Essentially, any time the spotlight is on someone else, you need to bring it back to yourself. Any gathering is an opportunity for you to get attention from those around you — whether it’s positive or negative, really doesn’t matter, as long as it’s focused in your direction.
Final thoughts…
If these behaviors seem familiar to you, ask yourself where you think they originated from and why you feel that you need others to validate your life choices. When you find yourself feeling self-critical, ask yourself whose voice you’re hearing (or which you would have wanted to hear, for that matter).
Validation-seeking behavior always has a cause, and if you weren’t encouraged or had your achievements acknowledged when you were younger, you may crave that acknowledgement now. Once you recognize this, you can learn techniques to validate your own choices and stop caring so much about what others think of you. After all, you’ll never be truly happy until you stop letting other people define your happiness.
