As we make choices on how we move through life, we don’t always fully conceptualize the toll that our decisions have. Sometimes we decide to suffer through a situation not because we think it’s what’s best, but because we just aren’t motivated enough to change it.
That lack of motivation to change the situation often stems from not fully understanding the harm or damage the situation is doing. But any kind of unhealthy situation is going to fuel negative emotions and potentially trauma that you will need to deal with later. Here are 8 such situations that may be doing you far more harm than you realize.
1. Being the “strong one.”
You can’t be the emotional workhorse for everyone else and expect to stay happy and healthy. Rarely do people who support everyone else receive the same kind of support in return. It’s rare for a reason; the reason being that it’s not a healthy way to conduct your relationships.
Instead of fostering intimacy and connection, it fosters codependency and an overreliance on others. It’s a strong source of resentment because most other people aren’t going to provide that level of selfless support. Not only that, but it encourages laziness in others if they know you’re going to pick up their workload if they don’t do it.
As experts inform us, you can’t be strong all the time and stay healthy. You have to have boundaries and take breaks, otherwise you may find your physical and mental health suffer. You have to say “no” when you don’t want to; otherwise, you’ll end up being taken advantage of.
2. Staying in one-sided relationships.
As marriage and family therapist, Dr. Becky Whetstone writes, a one-sided relationship will emotionally drain and depress you. A healthy relationship is one in which all participants in the relationship pour into one another. Sometimes they need support, sometimes you need support. That’s normal and healthy. However, some people will take advantage of you and not pour back into you.
Similarly, this is also why lukewarm romantic relationships will fail, sooner or later. Certain expectations come with a romantic relationship, like emotional support and emotional intimacy. One person can’t be the only one pouring into the relationship. In fact, there’s a major issue if one partner doesn’t want to, because they should want to.
If you’re in a romantic relationship with someone, they should want to uplift and support you. Why wouldn’t you do that for someone you love and care about?
3. Avoiding conflict.
People are messy creatures. Emotions aren’t neat and clean, nor do they fit neatly into a box. Conflict is inevitable in every relationship because we all have different needs, experiences, and desires. That requires some clarification to be fully understood.
It’s not that every relationship is going to have arguing and fighting. It’s more that sometimes you’re going to need to assert yourself when the need arises, and you need to make the choice to do that. If you don’t, then you may find that resentment festers because your needs are not being met or you are not being considered in the way that you want.
Conflict is okay and to be expected given the nature of people. You have to be the one to advocate and defend yourself because you can’t rely on others to do it for you.
4. Constantly pretending you’re okay.
It feels like a strength to wear a mask every day, suppressing whatever problems you may have. That’s what I believed for a large part of my life, up until I had to go to talk therapy for my mental illness and anger issues. I lived with undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder for 15 years, so I spent a lot of time pretending that I was okay.
That, of course, was incredibly unhealthy because it made it harder for me to navigate those emotions when they did finally bubble forth. What I learned the hard way is that you can’t suppress it forever, no matter how much you try. And you shouldn’t suppress it, because the people who really care about you will want to try to be there for you and help.
But then I also didn’t want to be a burden to anyone else, either. Unfortunately, I inadvertently burdened others more severely with the unexpected explosions of emotions that came from built-up resentment and not allowing myself to feel my own emotions.
It’s not strength to suppress your emotions. Its strength to allow yourself to feel everything that you need to feel and process it in a healthy way.
5. Living with unresolved guilt or regret.
The effects of guilt or regret over missed chances and past actions add invisible emotional weight to your present. The negative feelings linger in your subconscious, waiting to pop back up at inopportune times. Even if you’re not thinking about it, they can still influence the way you act today and the choices that you make.
Resolving your regret or guilt is far easier said than done. Sometimes, the circumstances just don’t provide an avenue to resolve the issue. At that point, we’re challenged to find ways to create peace and acceptance within ourselves that will allow us to move forward unimpeded. If we can’t, the negative feelings just continue to pile up, making the present worse than it needs to be.
6. Being surrounded by the wrong people.
There’s no worse feeling than being alone in a crowded room. The people that we spend our time around have a lot of influence on us, whether we realize it or not. Your brain will internalize the way other people treat you. You may not feel valued or loved like you should if you’re spending your time with emotionally unavailable people.
Not everyone is meant for every group, and not every group is something you want to be a part of. Surrounding yourself with emotionally available, supportive people will uplift you in ways that may not be obvious. For example, you’re more likely to pursue the things you want out of life when you have other people cheering you on.
The alternatives are people not showing interest or tearing you down. They can make you feel like you aren’t deserving or that you don’t belong, and that can linger.
7. Never feeling like you’re “good enough.”
Your wins may feel empty if you never take the time to appreciate them. You can’t constantly strive, compare yourself to others, or try to prove yourself without making yourself miserable. Being “better” is a nonstop grind that doesn’t have an end to it. It whittles you away, little by little, until you’re a burnt-out husk of yourself.
The relationship you have with yourself is an important brick in the foundation of your self-esteem, self-worth, and personal happiness. It can also fuel catastrophic thinking, which causes significant issues in navigating the challenges of life.
You may find that you personalize issues that aren’t personal if you don’t feel like you’re good enough, blaming yourself for situations and circumstances outside of your control.
8. Living a life that doesn’t align with who you are.
When your life doesn’t reflect your values, passions, or authentic self, it creates a slow emotional erosion within you. It may cause you to feel depressed, numb, restless, or vaguely unsatisfied without knowing why. That’s your subconscious telling you that it’s time to strive for more, and it’ll only get louder the longer you ignore it.
You are the one who needs to live the 24 hours a day of your life. You’re not going to be able to force yourself to live inauthentically forever without forcing yourself into depression and unhappiness. And, really, once you experience the freedom of your authenticity, it’s hard to want to put yourself back into the kind of life you came from.
Final thoughts…
Every decision we make in life, large or small, has repercussions. Some of those repercussions are harder to see than others. It may not seem like a big deal to accept situations that aren’t good or healthy for you. You may stay in a job that you hate or be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you properly, and you’ll pay for that mentally and emotionally.
It’s hard to be happy and at peace with life when you’re constantly at war with yourself. It takes a heavy toll, even if it’s not obvious.
