If people have consistently told you that you’re amazingly emotionally mature (especially at a young age), you might have taken that as a great compliment. After all, you’ve proven that you can stay calm in a crisis, and you’re resilient enough to bounce back from things that would damage other people quite intensely.
The question here is: are you actually emotionally mature? Or have you gotten so accustomed to suppressing your emotions over the years that it has become a default response for you? Let’s take a look at how to tell the difference.
1. Stoicism in stressful situations: Are you remaining engaged, or are you disassociating?
If you hear a loud noise nearby that startles other people around you, do you simply look around calmly to see what it was rather than freaking out? Similarly, if a person starts shouting at you, do you respond calmly and rationally instead of getting upset or shouting back?
If you remain calm and stoic in difficult situations like these, that could very well be a mark of immense emotional maturity. You might focus on the underlying cause of the shouting person’s distress and refuse to be moved by their outburst, or seek to determine what caused the bang instead of assuming the worst and reacting to it.
That said, it’s possible that you’re instead suppressing your emotions by automatically dissociating whenever something “bad” occurs as a subconscious defense mechanism. If this is the case, you’ll shut down emotionally, and you may feel detached from reality until the stressful situation passes.
2. Coping with your challenging emotions: Are you processing them healthily, or do you use escapism to avoid dealing with them?
Challenging emotions such as stress, anger, and grief are inevitable, so it’s important to have coping mechanisms that help you work through them as needed. Emotionally mature people use healthy approaches such as meditation, journaling, physical movement, or talk therapy, to work through these challenges productively.
Meanwhile, emotionally suppressed people zone out and use escapism instead. They might spend hours scrolling on their phone while watching their favorite movie for the 80th time, or turn to self-destructive behaviors like binge eating, online shopping sprees, or sex.
3. Taking responsibility for wrongdoing: Do you do it to come to a resolution or to keep the peace?
When you say “I’m sorry” for having done something wrong, are you being sincere? Or is this something you’ve learned to say to regulate other people’s emotional responses? Emotionally mature people will take responsibility for their actions and the potential consequences associated with them, and will also take action to make amends if they’ve done any harm.
In contrast, emotionally suppressed people will often find themselves apologizing for things that they didn’t do to keep the peace or stop others from making them feel bad. They tend to be conflict-avoidant and will happily accept responsibility for another’s discomfort as long as it means that they don’t have to deal with any tension.
4. Expressing anger or discomfort: Are you clear and concise, or passive-aggressive and sarcastic?
We all get angry or upset at times, whether it’s a work-related issue or a misunderstanding with a friend, partner, or family member. The key is to be able to express what we’re feeling in a way that seeks resolution.
When you’re dealing with uncomfortable emotions, can you express what you’re feeling in a clear, neutral manner? Or are you bitingly sarcastic or passive-aggressive?
Emotionally mature people recognize that it’s okay to feel these emotions, but it’s not okay to lash out at others about them. Those who aren’t capable of discussing difficult feelings in a calm-but-firm manner often imply that they’re okay, but then make scathing, passive-aggressive comments or stomp about, slamming doors to let their ire be known.
5. Verbal expression: Do you explain how you’re feeling, or stick to curt responses like “I’m fine”?
When you’re struggling with a challenging emotion, are you capable of explaining to others how you’re feeling in a way that allows them to understand what you’re going through? Or do you offer clipped responses such as “I’m fine”, or “It’ll pass”, and get on with it?
There’s a lot to be said about the positive aspects of resilience, namely the ability to keep on keeping on without breaking down into hysterics, but resilience doesn’t mean repression.
With resilience, you can still express that you’re upset or hurting and keep on going anyway, whereas with repression, you keep on keeping on by suppressing everything you’re feeling instead of acknowledging it or admitting to anyone that you’re going through difficulty.
6. Listening calmly: Are you sincerely paying attention, or seething internally?
When someone has done something to upset us, it can be terribly difficult to remain neutral to determine whether our response is justified or not.
When someone is explaining themselves to you about a difficulty you’re negotiating, are you able to set aside your feelings to pay attention to what they’re saying? If so, this is a great mark of emotional maturity: you recognize that you may have misinterpreted things (or overreacted to them), and are therefore holding space for discussion and resolution.
Those who suppress their emotions, however, respond quite differently. They may also be silent while the other person explains themselves, but they aren’t truly listening. They’re simply tolerating this individual’s blathering without hearing them: all they care about is their own inevitable retaliation. As such, they’ll sit and seethe, thinking about their own responses, the revenge they’ll take, and so on.
7. Using humor: Do you make jokes as a tension release or for redirection?
Humor can work wonders for alleviating tension in countless different circumstances. Those with a fair bit of emotional maturity might crack a joke amid a terrible situation to diffuse tension, for example, or as a means of putting another at ease if they seem anxious or upset.
In contrast, people who suppress their emotions often make jokes to redirect attention away from themselves or the situation at hand. Their goal is to distract the other person and derail the conversation so they either have the chance to change the subject or to escape to do something else.
This kind of behavior makes them very difficult to deal with in both work and personal environments: a person who refuses to take things seriously and makes jokes instead of acknowledging important issues is rarely someone who can be trusted or relied upon.
8. Comfort with emotional expression: Are you supportive or do you shut down and walk away when people get emotional?
Take note of how you respond when other people get emotional around you. For example, let’s say you’re spending time with a friend or colleague when they suddenly break down in tears. When this happens, are you able to sit comfortably with their emotions and offer the type of support they need? Or do you feel overwhelmed and seek the quickest escape route?
Emotionally suppressed people don’t like to deal with anyone’s emotions — including their own — and will avoid situations in which others are expressing themselves intensely. They’ll inevitably find an excuse to leave, or might simply walk away without a word under the guise of “protecting their own energy” or similar.
In contrast, emotionally mature people can acknowledge that someone else is hurting and try to help, without being drawn into the issue or feeling responsible for regulating that other person’s emotions for them.
Final thoughts…
Being aware of your emotional responses is vital for self-awareness as well as healthy relationships with others. If you’ve realized you’re suppressing emotions rather than working with them in a healthy manner, you can adapt your behavior with approaches such as mindfulness and/or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques.
In contrast, if you discover that you’re far more emotionally mature than you realized, that’s great: just be aware that a challenging or traumatic experience can always push you into suppressing your feelings rather than working through them.
