Ageism is so rife everywhere that many of us struggle with self-consciousness as we get older. With messaging all around us implying that we aren’t good enough, hot enough, or capable enough anymore, our self-esteem often feels like it’s sliding southward at an astonishing rate.
Furthermore, when we have moments that cause us embarrassment or make us feel terribly vulnerable, we might feel like crawling back into bed and never emerging again. There are many ways to overcome these feelings, however, and those listed below are some of the best to start with:
1. Stop following 20-something lifestyle “influencers” on social media.
One of the worst things you can do for your self-worth and self-esteem is to follow fitness or fashion influencers who are half your age on social media. Constantly seeing images of the type of appearance you’ll never have again will only intensify feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
Instead, follow accounts of people within your own age group (or older) who are doing the things that you aspire to. Let them inspire you to pursue things that your peer groups are doing, without any of the negative feelings about no longer being X or Y. You are who you are now, so embrace this truth fully and celebrate it however you can.
As the British poet Edith Sitwell once said:
“Why not be oneself? That is the whole secret of a successful appearance. If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?”
2. Emphasize aspects of yourself that you feel amazing about.
What do you love most about yourself? Are there aspects of your appearance that still make you feel immensely confident? What about abilities that you’ve honed with years of practice? Refocusing your thoughts towards what you love about yourself keeps you in a positive, more self-confident mindset.
Your jawline may not be as sharp as it was 20+ years ago, but maybe your hair looks absolutely incredible. Are your legs in great shape? Do you have an amazing smile, elegant hands, or gorgeous eyes? Emphasize these things with elegant, well-made clothing and accessories that you love, and you’ll notice that you’ll behave and move with a lot more self-confidence.
3. Do whatever you can to keep your mind sharp.
Memory loss and brain fog — whether from perimenopause or other health issues — can make a person feel a great deal of insecurity and self-doubt. After all, it’s difficult not to feel embarrassed or incompetent when the most basic words manage to elude you mid-conversation.
I started doing word games and puzzles as part of my stroke recovery protocol, and found that my vocabulary and clarity have improved exponentially as a result. Consider doing a mix of digital and analog ones, such as the New York Times puzzle and games app, as well as printed versions. Learn a new language, take up some new hobbies, and create healthy new brain pathways to keep your mind sharp as you age.
4. Change your perspective about your worth.
Younger people are inundated with the idea that their worth is dependent on how many people find them physically attractive. This mindset can be devastating in middle age when gravity starts to take its toll.
Make a list of all the traits you value in yourself that don’t revolve around your physical appearance or potential sexual appeal to others. It may help to ask those around you what they value most about you. Maybe you’re an incredible artist or carpenter, or the work you do has helped thousands of people. Focus on these traits instead of your perceived loss of “hotness” in others’ eyes, and your self-consciousness will evaporate.
5. Develop a great sense of humor.
Transforming vulnerability or embarrassment into humor can take the sting out of situations that might otherwise cause a great degree of self-consciousness (or even humiliation). These bodies of ours can falter or give out on us at any moment, so being able to take foibles and faux pas with humor and amusement works wonders for alleviating discomfort.
Learn to laugh when you have a pee sneeze or if you have to trombone your reading glasses to be able to focus on labels at the grocery store. Joke with your healthcare providers when you have appointments for yet another healthcare issue, and if you need a mobility device like a cane, own it and get one that completely captures your personality. (Mine is bright turquoise and I’ve decorated it with glittery unicorn stickers.)
6. Understand that how your body looks doesn’t dictate your capability.
One of the most important things to remember in your maturation journey is that companies make a lot of money from your insecurity and self-consciousness. The anti-aging industry is worth nearly 40 billion dollars in the USA alone, so consider how much money it makes worldwide! Any time you start to feel self-conscious about aging, ask yourself where that voice is coming from: is it from yourself, or the adverts that keep telling you that you aren’t “enough” anymore?
You may not have taut skin over washboard abs, but you’re (hopefully) still capable of great strength and flexibility. Furthermore, your hands might get a bit sore now and then, but they’re still capable of creating beauty, growing gardens, soothing those who are hurting, etc. Think of your body as a vehicle that you’re using to navigate life with rather than an object to be ogled by strangers, and you’ll lose an astonishing amount of self-consciousness and insecurity about it.
7. Take note of what you admire in other elders.
When you think about older people whom you admire and respect, what are the traits that you love most about them? Is it the way that they treat other people? The elegance with which they dress and adorn themselves? The carefree manner in which they live life entirely on their own terms?
Annika Von Holdt’s silver mane inspired me to let my own grey hair grow in, and I adore Helen Mirren’s cheeky grace, Patrick Stewart’s sincerity and philanthropy, Jane Goodall’s activism, and Jeremy Irons’ nobility and ethics. These are all traits that I hope to continue to embody as my life unfolds, and are of far greater importance to me than the traits I gravitated towards in my youth.
8. Find the strength and beauty in dependence.
One of the things that many people find challenging and humiliating during the aging process is the increased need to depend on others. Those of us who have always been strong and fiercely independent may resent the fact that we now need others to run errands for us if we aren’t feeling well (or if health issues or chronic pain prevent us from doing so ourselves), or to take care of issues that we simply don’t have energy for at the moment.
Needing to rely on others for certain things isn’t a weakness, and accepting that the vehicle you’re inhabiting needs a bit of extra care and support isn’t something to be ashamed of. We can’t output nonstop until we finally drop, nor should we want to!
You’ve put so much time and energy into others all your life: it’s time to learn to ask for help and allow them to do things for you now. And this leaves you to focus your attention on the softer, quieter pursuits you’ve always wanted to do but always set aside as a lower priority.
9. Realize that you’re stepping into your power.
When you think about the most inspiring stories around, they don’t revolve around the young heroes: they centre on elders. In The Lord of the Rings, for example, the Hobbits are full of youthful exuberance and energy, and they’re also really foolish and annoying at times. In contrast, Gandalf and Galadriel are calm and wise, with experience, skill, and clear purpose, and they are the ones that the others turn to for strength and wisdom.
Younger people may be fiery and full of energy and enthusiasm, but their impulsivity and lack of perspective can often be their downfall. Many end up regretting the things that they didn’t think through before leaping into action.
In contrast, elders who have a great deal of experience under their belts can determine which is the best path forward, what will be needed on the journey, and what contingency plans to fall back on should things go awry.
Final thoughts…
Aging is inevitable, but depression or misery about it doesn’t have to be. There are always going to be good days and less-than-good ones, but you can have far fewer of the latter if you can learn to embrace the aging process instead of getting terribly insecure about it.
Not only is it impossible to bribe time to slow down, but there’s no dignity in pretending to be young forever: those who try to still its progress end up being far more miserable than those who embrace and enjoy every moment as it unfolds.
