Do other people boss you around? Do you find that you just seem to attract that kind of negative attention? As though you don’t have a brain between your ears, which enables you to think and decide for yourself?
Bossy people can tell when someone isn’t going to stand up for themselves through a variety of social cues like body language, tone of voice, and personality. So, if you want people to stop targeting you, consider working on these habits and behaviors.
1. Recognize your self-worth.
As Dr. Jennifer Litner writes, people who try to control others often target those who have low self-esteem and self-worth. They look for people who won’t put up much of a fight. A person who is down on themselves, has low self-esteem, low self-worth, or is visibly resigned to life is an ideal target because they often don’t have the energy or desire to stand up for themselves.
Manipulative people can see that. It’s hard to mask things like low self-esteem or depression completely because they tend to leak out in unexpected ways for people who know what they’re looking at. Not only that, but if you spend enough time with someone, you can figure out quite a lot about them just through observation.
2. Set clear boundaries.
There is no skill more important for healthy social relationships than clear boundaries. People with poor boundaries are easy to push in directions that you want them to go. They may be people-pleasers, so they just agree to earn favor and validation. It could also be that they just don’t have the courage to stand up for themselves, so they don’t.
The thing to understand about boundaries is that they need to exist to keep you well, safe, and healthy. As therapist Ainhoa Indurain writes, boundaries are more about keeping the right people in rather than pushing people out.
Otherwise, you are left vulnerable to the movements and choices of other people. You have to stand up for your boundaries, because other people can’t know what you’re okay with otherwise. Boundaries are how you keep the same conflicts from happening over and over again.
3. Practice saying “no” without guilt.
You don’t need to explain or justify your every decision if someone tries pushing. “No” is a complete sentence, but it needs to be spoken firmly to properly communicate that the other person is pushing against a boundary. If you timidly say “no”, then the person may feel inclined to push harder, to get what they want.
But what if you have a hard time with that? Start small. Say “no” in low-stakes situations to help yourself get used to the feelings. If you’re saying “no” in low-stakes situations, then there’s not likely to be as intense of a response.
Some people can’t take no for an answer, so it’s best to learn how to handle it in low-stakes situations rather than when it’s important.
4. Use confident body language.
Body language reveals more about you than you may realize. People with low self-esteem and self-worth often exhibit body language signs. Indicators like slumped posture, timid voice, non-committal answers to questions, and a lack of opinions can all point to a vulnerable person.
The solution is to be mindful of your body language, especially when you’re standing up for yourself. If you tell someone “No,” stand tall and don’t slump. Don’t avoid eye contact if you can help it. You only need to make eye contact for a few seconds when you respond, then you can look away.
If you find eye contact uncomfortable for whatever reason, you don’t have to force it, but you may want to try looking at the space between their eyes or at their forehead instead. You don’t need to stare them down, but unfortunately, many people take a lack of eye contact as a sign of weakness, so looking off to the side, replying in a timid voice, “Um, I really don’t want to…” screams, “take advantage of me!”
5. Don’t over-explain yourself.
Bossy people thrive on wearing you down to get what they want. The idea being that if they can soften your boundaries, then they can keep pushing to get exactly what they want. One way they do that is by trying to pick apart your justifications for why you’re enforcing the boundary.
The way to combat that is to provide short, clear responses rather than long explanations. When you give a long justification, you are subconsciously communicating to that person that the boundary is up for debate. But there’s a balance to be struck, because communication is what you need to make relationships work in general.
Sometimes it’s good to explain yourself, sometimes it’s not. Ask yourself, is this person acting with good intentions? If they are, then maybe giving them the benefit of the doubt is in order.
6. Directly call out controlling behavior.
Sometimes, bossy people don’t realize they are being bossy. It’s not necessarily that they’re malicious; they may just have a strong personality, and that’s how they roll. They may be used to being the decision-maker, making things move how they need to. That attitude can carry over into other areas of their life without realizing it.
A good friend of mine, Cathy, is inadvertently “bossy”. But “bossy” has a negative connotation often used as a way to denigrate women. A man is “commanding”, but a woman is “bossy,” bitchy, or a nag. Cathy is commanding, and she’s commanding because no one was doing anything to support her in her family in taking care of the responsibilities.
She was balancing managing her kids, husband, career, and a few extracurricular activities, where she just did not have time to wait around for people to maybe get the idea to get something done. She has appointments, and she’s not going to be late, so help out or get out of the way.
For people like Cathy, sometimes they just need a gentle or friendly reminder that you can do your thing as you need to do it. Sometimes you just have to say, “Hey, I can decide for myself. Thanks.”
7. Surround yourself with supportive people.
Sometimes, a particular environment just attracts dominating personalities. For example, there are some high-powered careers where competition is fierce, and people will push against one another to meet their own goals. It may be that you have a boss who oversteps bounds, or maybe it’s a group of friends that doesn’t treat you with respect.
You may find that the best approach is to change your environment and the people around you. Some people just won’t or can’t curb that kind of behavior. If you don’t feel like you can keep pushing back, then it’s well within reason to find a better environment and more respectful people to be around.
8. Stay calm under pressure.
Bossy people often use urgency or intimidation to try to force other people to do what they want. When they try that, it’s important to stay calm and enforce your boundaries with as cool a head as you can manage. Otherwise, they can turn around and weaponize your anger against you, which creates a whole other problem to deal with.
They can pull the victim card. “All I did was ask you for a little help…” Never mind the fact that no, they didn’t ask. They tried to command. And they definitely aren’t a victim, either, so don’t let them pull that card. You want to pay close attention to what they say, because they may try to skew the encounter to their favor, which is another way they are trying to control you.
Final thoughts…
The simple truth is that some people just won’t respect your boundaries. They aren’t healthy people themselves; they don’t carry themselves in a healthy way, and they have no interest in changing. There’s no good reason to subject yourself to that unpleasantness regularly. If enforcing boundaries and reasonable communication don’t work, then maybe it’s just time to walk away.
Of course, no one wants to do that to a friend or family member, but when it comes to your mental health, you may not have the luxury of choice. Just being in that kind of environment and around those people can cause you a lot of mental and emotional harm. It’s just not worth the future therapy bills.
