It’s an uncomfortable truth that many parents have difficulty recognizing that their grown children are sovereign, autonomous adults — even when said children have careers, homes, children of their own, and a fair amount of grey hair coming in.
These overbearing parents still try to interfere in their adult children’s lives, including interrogating them about their personal choices and expecting their kids to justify themselves like they did when they were small. In reality, their adult kids don’t need to justify anything at all, and the following things are at the top of that list.
1. Their health or lifestyle choices.
Parents often feel entitled to explanations as to why their grown children choose to do different things, especially if those choices are different from their own. They might mock health or lifestyle choices that they don’t partake in themselves, and may interrogate their children about why they think their choices are beneficial. If they end up disagreeing, they’ll often mock those choices further, or might even try to sabotage their grown kids’ endeavors. A lot of the time, this boils down to the parents’ insecurity about their own choices.
For example, parents might demand that their adult child explain why they’re getting a salad or veggie burger when they go out to eat together: are they trying to lose weight? Do they think they’re “better than” the parents who are eating pizza and fries? Why did they walk to the restaurant instead of driving? I even knew one person who went vegetarian only to have their parents add meat to their plate “as a joke” because they didn’t justify their choice sufficiently.
2. Why they are or are not having children.
People’s reproductive choices are their own and don’t need to be explained. Many parents take a person’s lack of desire to reproduce as a reflection of their own parenting, like: “I was such a bad parent that now you don’t want your own kids, is that it?” Others will behave as though they’re owed grandchildren as payment for having raised their own children, or imply that it’s not fair that their kids won’t experience the same misery they put them through.
You never owe anyone an explanation for why you are (or aren’t) having kids. You might want a large family because you were an only child, or you might not want to reproduce because of health issues, personal ethics, or so on. This choice is between you and your partner, if you have one. Not your parents.
3. Their relationship status.
When I was in my twenties, my mum was always asking whether I was gay or not because, in her view, I was never in a relationship. What she was looking for was evidence of a conventional, long-term relationship, and as a young man, it wasn’t working out for me like that. I was dating women quite casually at the time, and preferred to keep the details of my relationships to myself.
It’s one thing for parents to let you know that you can always talk to them about your relationships if you want to, and something completely different if they’re harassing you about the issue every time you’re in a captive situation with them, such as at dinner or when you’re stuck in the car for a while.
If you find that they keep badgering you about it despite having established that you don’t want to discuss it, be sure to point out how utterly inappropriate it is for them to ask you what you’re doing in the bedroom department, and with whom. That usually stops them in their tracks, at least for a while.
4. Where they’re going, and why.
This is one of the most foundational things that a person should learn once they reach adulthood: they no longer need to account for their whereabouts as far as their parents are concerned. If they want to let them know where they’re going for the sake of safety — like “Hey mom, I’m going to go drink under the big bridge in town with some trolls” — that’s understandable. What isn’t okay is when a grown adult’s parents demand to know where they’re going, who they’ll be with, and why.
Your life is your own, and you’re free to go wherever you like, with whomever you like, and do whatever you feel like doing, on your own terms. Now, adults who still live with their parents might get pushback about how still living under their roof means abiding by their rules, but if you’re paying for rent in any way, that makes you a tenant, so they can only enforce landlord’s rules. Should they push further, that’s your cue to move out.
5. Their spiritual beliefs.
While some people grow up to share the same spiritual beliefs as their parents, many others end up following very different paths. I know people who were raised as atheists who became staunch Buddhists or Muslim reverts, while others were raised with other faiths and were then drawn to various flavors of Christianity or Paganism. Some parents will respect the fact that their kids don’t share their religious leanings, but others will get belligerent and demand to know what their kids believe and why, in the hope of arguing them down and forcing them to believe as they do.
Your spiritual path is no one else’s business, and it’s entirely up to you who you open up to about whatever faith you follow. Or don’t. Enforce strict boundaries about this if your parents get pushy about it, and make it abundantly clear that your beliefs aren’t up for discussion. You don’t have to justify why you believe as you do, especially not to people who are going to harangue you for feeling differently than they do.
6. Their political leanings.
Most of us have experienced uncomfortable family dinners at which various members started yelling at each other across the table because they disagree about political causes. Whether you’re related to the people you’re talking to or not, it’s usually best to refrain from discussing either politics or religion, lest the conversation degrade into a screaming or throwing match.
Although your parents may want to know everything about you (including whom you’ll be voting for or what your views are on contentious topics), that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to tell them. You have your leanings for good, personal reasons, and just because these people made you with bits of their DNA, doesn’t mean you need to explain or justify your political choices to them — even if they’d approve of them.
7. Their personal aesthetics.
Those who choose to cultivate an appearance that’s different from their parents’ preferences will often find themselves harangued about their choices. They’ll be asked why they wear their hair a certain way, why they don’t wear jeans (or other common clothing items), why they do their makeup that way, and so on. Basically, their parents expect their adult child to explain themselves to their satisfaction before they’ll consider accepting their choices
There is no explanation or justification needed here. One can simply reply “because I like it” and refuse to discuss it further. Establish the boundary that continued harassment about the subject isn’t going to be tolerated, and leave or end conversations if they’re brought up.
8. Your parenting style.
If you’re raising your children in a very different manner from how your parents raised you, you’re likely to get some flak from your elders about it. They might think that they did an amazing job and didn’t traumatize you in the least, and are likely to get defensive when you take a different approach than they did.
How a person raises their children is up to them, and doesn’t need to be explained or justified to their parents at all. They simply lay down the ground rules about how the children are being reared, and if their parents disagree with them or flat-out state that they won’t abide by them, then they’ll be forced to limit contact accordingly.
Final thoughts…
Sometimes, when people keep asking you why you’re doing something like exercising or drawing all the time, and you remind them that you’ve already explained yourself, they’ll reply that they’re “just asking”, and you’re being rude.
In reality, there’s nothing “just” about their question: you’re doing something that they don’t, and they’re harassing you about it. Essentially, they want a justification that’ll stop them from being insecure about their own choices. If this happens, the following sentence can end this type of exchange very quickly:
“I am living my own life. Go live yours, and kindly stay out of mine.”
